Regret

The past few months have been turbulent and stressful for me. Times of change brings crisis in many forms, both good and bad, and I have felt the effects both ways. Today, though, I can't help but focus on the fact that my school and clinical work have impinged on my ability to socialize the way I want to. The combination of time spent doing what I need to do for both school and clinical, as well as the amount of energy it takes away from me leads me feeling empty socially. I have backed out of events I should go to, become recluse in order to get my work done, and I feel somewhat empty when I am not busy. I love the feeling I get going to the hospital and doing what I love. I do the work I need to finish this degree, but I cannot help but feel somewhat empty. I expend all my energy towards work, and come home with only the energy to decompress alone or with my girlfriend, and it is fine in the moment. I know I am hurting my friends though. They don't see me and they let me know how much they wish I was around. I am struggling so hard to tell them "No, I have to do this" or "I can't, I am sorry." I hope they do not think I am blowing them off because I don't love them because I do, and that is why this hurts so much. Especially knowing that I will graduate in 4 weeks and that will it for my time here at the university. It makes me sick thinking about that. I haven't been to mass in months, because I am introverted and feel like crap every time Saturday or Sunday comes around. I just hate this feeling. I am a terrible friend and terrible Catholic.

Boy

Girl shows interest.
Boy notices interest, probably misreads and realizes that.
Boy likes the attention and thinks about asking out.
Boy takes prescription SSRI.
When boy thinks of taking a chance, he thinks "Do I really want to put myself out there on that level? Do I really have anything to say? Is dating worth the effort?"
Boy gets feedback from friends.
Friends say ask her out ask her out.
Boy resists, they don't know how this side effect feels.
To have some interest but not care enough to do anything about it.
Boy is happy, boy is in a good place.
But, put simply, boy doesn't feel the need.
Boy has the Lord.
Boy feels the Lord will let him know when it is worth the effort.
Boy writes blog.

What's Goin' On Here?

Too many signs lately are showing me how grown up I am.

Its telling.

Examples:

1. Party this weekend at my apartment. I am considering not drinking because I just think I am gonna need to be responsible for my guests. 

2. Friends were doing something that was probably fun yesterday, but I didn’t join them because I was looking at nursing openings in Nashville and Washington D.C.

3. Friends are turning 21. I am staying in to “master my craft” in nursing school. 

Who am I? 

Honestly

It’s been hard for me to go to mass lately.

1. A lot of peers in the church act self-righteous and pious to the point of me feeling bad about myself and honestly annoyed.

2. I disagree with the church’s stance on homosexuality right now.

3. Some things I am not ashamed of, but cannot justify to the church keep me from going at times.

4. I just can’t deal with some people at church my age. Church has always been a personal thing for me anyways. This one goes with number one. I shouldn’t feel like less of a person for having political opinions and being told “shame on you” for thinking that way.

Having said that, I am excited about my holy day of obligation tomorrow. I’m going to a church I have never been to, so I won’t be distracted by the reasons listed above. I can focus on what is important, my relationship with The Lord.

Homosexuality

Lately,  due to social issues, I keep feeling pushed away from my faith.

Born Catholic, and I will die Catholic, but man things just aren't as easy as the old days.

My dilemma:

Holding my beliefs about homosexuality that go completely against my faith.

I cannot believe that two people loving each other is immoral. 

The beliefs that my faith holds come from a time when homosexuality was new and unheard of. Of course St. Paul and other early church leaders condemned it as wrong. 

But two thousand years later, we evolved. We improved as people. We understand more now.

Friends and family I know that are homosexual, I just know it is not wrong. It is as much a sin as being born with a propensity against scrambled eggs and bacon. 

But peers of my own in my faith who believe differently from me push the opposite side of the argument.

And it always seems to me that these people walk around, talking like they are right end of story. They are holier than thou and it makes me sick. I know you believe what you believe, but I believe what I believe as well. They walk around talking about "defending the faith" like they its is their crusade of faith. "Defending the faith from people that are wrong" is essentially all I hear. 

My personality is one that does not push my beliefs on others, so much that I don't even really talk about it until heated arguments come up. With the people I love and am around that believe differently, they all push their faith hard, so much so that it makes me embarrassed how they act. 

They push other people away and wonder why they are constantly "misunderstood" by the lay people of this world.

I am fed up with being treated by them like I am a second rate Catholic, nay, a terrible catholic, supporting heathen beliefs.

I believe in Jesus Christ, the Lord Father, the Holy Spirit. 

I believe that Lord Father wants us to be our best people in faith, and I believe for those of us born homosexual or asexual or bisexual or transexual or heterosexual, no matter what we are inclined to do in our own bedroom, he supports and loves us because of the people we are not despite the people we are.

We were made sexual beings and I believe God not only understands but has a huge part in who we are sexually, among other things. He made us in his image.

Yellow Diamonds

My mind is trained to hear We Found Love and think of this one cabin weekend my sophomore year of college. I have these images in my head. Wooden table. My gray sweater and jeans. Ellie. Greg. Grace. Meeting Cady for the first time ever. Numerous drinks. Pictures. Standing on furniture. Dancing with plush fish. Sleeping on suitcases. Feeling infinitely young. Our friendship everlasting. Hearing this in the car for the first time in ages brings the biggest and best love-lump (I can't describe it any better than that) in my throat. The kind that makes it hard to breath because you instantly think of the happiest times with some of the most important people in your life. Ohhh my God, thank you for these memories. Please, don't ever let this feeling leave me.

Yellow diamonds in the light

as we're standing side by side.

As your shadow crosses mine

what it takes to feel alive.

Introvert

Being an introvert has its pros and cons. Today I am feeling the cons. I work ridiculous shifts and come home exhausted. I make plans with friends when I'm not exhausted and then get off work and just wanna rejuvenate. Except all my friends are extroverts and energized by seeing people. I just wanna come home and sleep and vegetate and relax. But bailing on plans makes me a disappointment and I absolutely hate that. I'm sorry.