Ramblings

I am at a great place.

Can I just take the time to point out how far I have come this year? No more avoiding events that would make uncomfortable, in the environment that is triggering me to act in ways I used to that weren't healthy. 

Fear doesn't leave, but the fear is no longer suffocating, lung-clenching, impairing my every day life. I can breathe, just like Jack from Lost, for 5 or 10 seconds, and return myself to the situation with a new ease. 

I have been told time and time again this semester from people that mean soooo much to me that they notice a huge difference in me this year in the best way possible, and I can't even begin to express my excitement and happiness to hear what they say. They say I look healthy, well, and happy, most of all happy.

And I am. I am very happy. I cherish so many friendships that are the utmost quality. I feel like I could write a book on all the most important people, with each of them getting their own chapter. I think it could be a legit book too, not just some 10 page essay or something. They are my rock, my everything, and I would gladly die for any of them to live another day. 

I really, really am happy, and I am closer to God than I have been in a while. This is not to say I wasn't earlier; on the contrary I was very close to God over my hard times. I just have a huge appreciation for being close to God and happy at the same time.

I do have that usual wish for a significant other, that I think will never escape me, but lately I am realizing I am wanting her for different, better reasons than I have had before. Where as I may have wanted her for selfish reasons, for me, I want her for her sake. I want someone to be intimate with, someone I can trust, and confide in with things that I never even speak of, not even on this blog. I want someone I can love with all my heart. This person and my relationship goes beyond what our physical bodies hold, but rather what is inside those bodies: our souls.

And, not too mention, on a non-deep note, someone I enjoy to be around and have fun with (because not everything my age has to be about intimate, deep, Notebook-esque love). I want someone I want to play FIFA with and someone wants to share the little loves of her life with too. 

That's what I want. That's what I have always wanted. But for once my happiness does not rely on that hope. It would just be nice. Very nice. That's all I have to say. Love.