The Nerve pt. 2

I generally feel like a brave person. I am not scared by much, with the exception of spiders of any kind and the thought of being buried alive.

But with some things, very specifically, I feel like I could use some liquid courage. I feel like the cowardly lion. Specifically, I get nervous around the person I like. I sometimes wonder if anyone else gets this way around the special person in their life. The person they think of in the cracks of idle time throughout the day. The person I strive to be better for. I am not a bad person, but I constantly try and be the best I can be around this person, in hopes that she will notice. In hopes that I can as amazing a person as she is.

These nerves I feel around her, and giddyness I feel around her inhibits me in a way. I somehow hold myself back in this process, and I don't know why. Sometimes I have the urge to say some things are "go-for" little spontaneous things to reach out to her and show her how I feel. But my pre-conceived notions that I have in my mind hold me back. I so badly want to grab her hand, or say something sweeter than a friend would say, or just tell her how I feel. But I keep myself from these situations that I want to be in, from doing the things I want to do, from getting to closer to this person. Its almost like I see myself doing the things that a better, more courageous me, would do. Not a better me (I know I am okay), but you know what I mean.

I think about this and I wonder how I can think of this person so highly and think of them a lot and somehow not have the nerve to "go for" it sometimes. Maybe its best I don't at times, because maybe my inhibitions are right, but I cannot help but question sometimes. Its just my nature. I need to work on being spontaneous, and allowing things to happen. But more importantly, I think, that I need to believe in myself and believe that some other human can find me attractive and find me as interesting as I find them. I need to believe that another person can see the value and see the good things in me that I so often overlook in myself. That is what I need.

If I only had the nerve...