It's Sunday morning, and as of late, Sundays end up being my weekly look back. I am usually awake before everyone else around me, and the quietness of the apartment gives me time to thinkable reflect about the past week.
This past week has been one of the tougher one's for me. I have always been somewhat hard on myself, and this week could prove it. Thursday night started it. I let myself listen to negative thoughts directed toward myself, an that negative energy grew. Friday was a little better, because the extra long Labor Day weekend showed promise. Saturday started off fine enough, but negative thoughts crept back in I let I get the best of me. Though I would rather not mention what these negatives are, it will suffice to say that looking back on them proves how stupid and unimportant they are. How could I have let them eat at me like that, and ruin some perfectly good evenings for me?
That is a hypothetical question, of course, but one that my Sunday morning reflection gave me an answer to. I am a) too rough on myself, and b) I hold myself to such ridiculously high standards.
It is amazing how much I care for people who are important to me. This is not me doting on myself, but stating the true. When you are my friend and I trust you, I put 110% into our friendship. I am loyal, genuine, empathetic, completely invested in our friendship. I would be there for you if you called, and nothing could change that. I love all things good and bad about my friends because no one is perfect, and I love you for who you are!
But if, out of everything I just said, replaced "your friendship" for "myself", that would not hold true. I am an awful friend to myself. I beat myself up or stupid little things that no one else probably cares about or notices, and that mean nothing in the ultimate journey of life.
As for higher standards, it's simple. Some things friends of mine will do, I will see and smile or maybe laugh, even, and there is no judgement involved. I am not a judgmental person at all. But had it me doing the same thing, I would have a whole Sanhedrin of judges directed on myself. Why? Why do I do that? I know that I strive to be as healthy and responsible as possible, and sometimes lean for perfection in certain areas of life. But to this extent? Why?
I do not mean the for this entry to be sad and self-wallowing, because that is not my mindset at all while writing this. Rather, it's reflective in nature. I hope that by freewriting this, I can pull some answers and conclusions from these questions. Answers and conclusions that may take me some time to process. But I decided to post this because offers food reflection value for others out there.
Here is my reflection for you:
How many times have I ignored what God has given me?
How many times have I focused too inwardly?
How can I recognize God's gifts better and love myself better?
How can I use these gifts for the people around me?
God created us in his image, so why do we, why do I invest so much energy on the imperfections?
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