I love being home, don't get me wrong, but I cannot wait to be back at school.
I miss being so close to the people I love. I cannot say enough how hard it is to live this far away. I feel like I live on another planet. I miss my friends so much.
But random acts of kindness from people make things better. When people go out of their way to show me they miss me and that they are thinking of me, just like I think of them, it means the world to me.
I so badly want to see certain people. I want to see my friends. There is only so much I can do when I live so far.
I have made a lot of progress this summer. I am so happy for that. I am confident about being able to reciprocate when I am back at school. I feel like I have spent the last two years being only a portion of the full me, and for my friends to love me after only that, there is no wonder how much I can offer them, and how much fun we can have with the full Nikko present. Ever present, ever present, ever present. That is the key.
I want to get closer to certain people as well. I feel like I can truly do that now that I have taken this summer "off" for me, to get better, and prepare myself for this year and beyond.
I pray that people not fear my challenge, for it is not me. I am Nikko. The challenge, we can call it Ed. Two separate people. My challenge is to be Nikko, because Nikko is who my friends and family love. Do not fear me, because I, Nikko, want to be apart of your lives! I love you all.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
7/12 Thoughts
I had an interesting thought tonight.
Everything I have been through. Where I have been. From when I was a little fat kid, to a teenager, and up until now, I have had a hard time about not being anxious. I realized tonight, thinking about this, that a lot of my problems, my struggle, has stemmed from fear of the unknown, fear of what could happen to me. Fear gripped me, at the possibilities of the bad that could happen in return for my choices, for my actions. I have run from this fear for a while, avoiding decisions, avoiding times calling for my responsibility, action, and choice. I was caught up in doing things the right way, even if that meant avoiding the problem. It was really a crisis avoiding choice more so than a choice to do the right things. The fear just took the wheel.
But as I drove my dad home, who has a sprained knee, poor guy, I thought. And thought. And thought. It is what I do best. Its what I do a lot. I realized, for the first time in my life, I am able to find peace in not knowing the unknown. I find peace in seeing the future for what it is, the future. It was a liberating feeling, thinking about this.
The past is behind me, it is the past. It has made me who I am today, for better or worse. I cannot change anything about it. The future is the future. It lies ahead me, offering prosperous times and bad times, for sure. It offers me equal opportunities as it does tribulations, and I must accept that. The future cannot happen without the present. If I am not fully present in the present, I cannot hope for the future I want, or more importantly, the future God knows and has seen for me. The past and future, I can do nothing about. I can only choose to change my present. The past is what it is, and allows me to learn for the benefit of the choices I make now in the present. The future is out of my hands unless I am fully here, fully present for the time God gives me today.
When I wake in the morning, I look up at the old glow in the dark stars on my white wash ceiling, and I think differently than I used too. Some mornings, a few years ago, I would wake up groaning, wishing to live in my dreams. Not today. Today, and I say that as a general time period, not this twenty four hours, I woke up thinking, "God, thank you so much for allowing me another day to wake, to breath, to laugh, to love, to cry. Thank you so so much. There is no better gift. Amen." I am not going to live my life living in before or after. They are two of the great prepositions in the English language, but I refuse to live any other way than now.
Everything I have been through. Where I have been. From when I was a little fat kid, to a teenager, and up until now, I have had a hard time about not being anxious. I realized tonight, thinking about this, that a lot of my problems, my struggle, has stemmed from fear of the unknown, fear of what could happen to me. Fear gripped me, at the possibilities of the bad that could happen in return for my choices, for my actions. I have run from this fear for a while, avoiding decisions, avoiding times calling for my responsibility, action, and choice. I was caught up in doing things the right way, even if that meant avoiding the problem. It was really a crisis avoiding choice more so than a choice to do the right things. The fear just took the wheel.
But as I drove my dad home, who has a sprained knee, poor guy, I thought. And thought. And thought. It is what I do best. Its what I do a lot. I realized, for the first time in my life, I am able to find peace in not knowing the unknown. I find peace in seeing the future for what it is, the future. It was a liberating feeling, thinking about this.
The past is behind me, it is the past. It has made me who I am today, for better or worse. I cannot change anything about it. The future is the future. It lies ahead me, offering prosperous times and bad times, for sure. It offers me equal opportunities as it does tribulations, and I must accept that. The future cannot happen without the present. If I am not fully present in the present, I cannot hope for the future I want, or more importantly, the future God knows and has seen for me. The past and future, I can do nothing about. I can only choose to change my present. The past is what it is, and allows me to learn for the benefit of the choices I make now in the present. The future is out of my hands unless I am fully here, fully present for the time God gives me today.
When I wake in the morning, I look up at the old glow in the dark stars on my white wash ceiling, and I think differently than I used too. Some mornings, a few years ago, I would wake up groaning, wishing to live in my dreams. Not today. Today, and I say that as a general time period, not this twenty four hours, I woke up thinking, "God, thank you so much for allowing me another day to wake, to breath, to laugh, to love, to cry. Thank you so so much. There is no better gift. Amen." I am not going to live my life living in before or after. They are two of the great prepositions in the English language, but I refuse to live any other way than now.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Futures
I am going to have a big year this year.
I am going to start nursing.
The thing I have been waiting and working for so long is finally starting.
I am going to be diligent in my work, while enjoying myself!
I am going to slowly become a great nurse.
I am going to be the best nurse this world has ever seen.
I have no doubts in my mind.
Here's to the future, and to all I have to bring to it.
I am going to start nursing.
The thing I have been waiting and working for so long is finally starting.
I am going to be diligent in my work, while enjoying myself!
I am going to slowly become a great nurse.
I am going to be the best nurse this world has ever seen.
I have no doubts in my mind.
Here's to the future, and to all I have to bring to it.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Step Back
Sometimes in life, its good to step back, and clarify yourself. To step back and remind yourself why your doing something. I have recently been presented with some feedback that has made want to do so.
First and foremost, as I believe I said when I started this blog, I am not writing to an audience. I am writing this blog for me. It is not "Dear Journal" or "Dear So-and-So Whats-her-name." It is just me writing for me. This slowly turned into me writing as almost therapy in my "struggle" and as an aid in my journey. I have never once meant for this to be an intellectual blog, nor did I ever plan on having any followers. Granted I do now, and this website is public so just about anyone could read it, I still do not approach any single blog post as directed towards anybody other than myself. So that has become my self-proclaimed inspiration for this blog.
As for recent posts, particularly, my "I May Not" blog, I take nothing back and I mean every word. Maybe I wasn't clear with my writing (hey, I am a nurse hopeful, not a writer), but I in no way intended on writing that blog particularly as a stand against society's construct on girls (or guys) to be thin. I was not commenting on the millions of magazines that objectify women, nor was I commenting on modeling magazines that tell people what normal and beautiful is. If you truly knew me, and where I have been, you would know that, along with the rest of these blog posts, it has been specifically about my own struggle. My own body-image issues. That post was about me becoming comfortable with myself. For as long as I can remember, a little less than my whole 20 year life, I have never had good self-confidence in my body and my image. That's what "I May Not" was about.
I had made sincere progress while in Florida with my struggle. Among these, I finally found a confidence in my own body and in my self, for the first time in my WHOLE life. Imagine how exciting that is for me. I was thrilled. I am still thrilled. Clearly some people did not understand my post, because they have not been in my shoes, and do not know me enough to know exactly what I am talking about. This blog is contextual to my life. It's like going to a 3-D movie without the 3-D glasses. Your probably not going to understand it very well.
I am amazed at people every day, and yesterday is no different. My spirit was really crushed yesterday at the feedback I got. But I refuse to let anything get to me simply because none of it is true. I cannot say anything about you because, unless I know you, I do not know where you have been, how hard or easy the places you have been has been, or why you are doing the things you do. I do not know what you think, and until I get to know someone, I will not know this context of you. Therefore I would never say anything to you like that.
This applies to me as well. Ask my best friend, she will tell you that I am in no way aa hypocrite and in no way do I objectify anyone, especially not women. To think that about me is incorrect. I say this, and what I am getting at, is that there are very few people in this world that I can say know me well enough to tell me such a thing and be correct about it. My parents, my brother, my sister, my best friend, and a few other friends, I would say, know me better than anyone on the planet, and know what I have been through, to know where I am coming from when I write in this blog.
I'd like to wrap this up by saying that I am not going to lose any of the confidence I gained this past week, because its too important to me, and I honestly do not value any body' opinion that treats me a certain way when they do not know me, nor have any interest in knowing me. I listened to their opinion and recognize it as one, but honestly, I know who I am. I am not that. I am not going to change who I am, or be who I am supposed to be either. The only expectations I am listening to any more are the expectations I hold for myself.
Like I said, this blog is first and foremost for me. But I know some people follow it, and for those few people that I have talked to about this blog before, I thank you again. You are all wonderful people that I feel cherished and blessed to know and call my friends and family.
First and foremost, as I believe I said when I started this blog, I am not writing to an audience. I am writing this blog for me. It is not "Dear Journal" or "Dear So-and-So Whats-her-name." It is just me writing for me. This slowly turned into me writing as almost therapy in my "struggle" and as an aid in my journey. I have never once meant for this to be an intellectual blog, nor did I ever plan on having any followers. Granted I do now, and this website is public so just about anyone could read it, I still do not approach any single blog post as directed towards anybody other than myself. So that has become my self-proclaimed inspiration for this blog.
As for recent posts, particularly, my "I May Not" blog, I take nothing back and I mean every word. Maybe I wasn't clear with my writing (hey, I am a nurse hopeful, not a writer), but I in no way intended on writing that blog particularly as a stand against society's construct on girls (or guys) to be thin. I was not commenting on the millions of magazines that objectify women, nor was I commenting on modeling magazines that tell people what normal and beautiful is. If you truly knew me, and where I have been, you would know that, along with the rest of these blog posts, it has been specifically about my own struggle. My own body-image issues. That post was about me becoming comfortable with myself. For as long as I can remember, a little less than my whole 20 year life, I have never had good self-confidence in my body and my image. That's what "I May Not" was about.
I had made sincere progress while in Florida with my struggle. Among these, I finally found a confidence in my own body and in my self, for the first time in my WHOLE life. Imagine how exciting that is for me. I was thrilled. I am still thrilled. Clearly some people did not understand my post, because they have not been in my shoes, and do not know me enough to know exactly what I am talking about. This blog is contextual to my life. It's like going to a 3-D movie without the 3-D glasses. Your probably not going to understand it very well.
I am amazed at people every day, and yesterday is no different. My spirit was really crushed yesterday at the feedback I got. But I refuse to let anything get to me simply because none of it is true. I cannot say anything about you because, unless I know you, I do not know where you have been, how hard or easy the places you have been has been, or why you are doing the things you do. I do not know what you think, and until I get to know someone, I will not know this context of you. Therefore I would never say anything to you like that.
This applies to me as well. Ask my best friend, she will tell you that I am in no way aa hypocrite and in no way do I objectify anyone, especially not women. To think that about me is incorrect. I say this, and what I am getting at, is that there are very few people in this world that I can say know me well enough to tell me such a thing and be correct about it. My parents, my brother, my sister, my best friend, and a few other friends, I would say, know me better than anyone on the planet, and know what I have been through, to know where I am coming from when I write in this blog.
I'd like to wrap this up by saying that I am not going to lose any of the confidence I gained this past week, because its too important to me, and I honestly do not value any body' opinion that treats me a certain way when they do not know me, nor have any interest in knowing me. I listened to their opinion and recognize it as one, but honestly, I know who I am. I am not that. I am not going to change who I am, or be who I am supposed to be either. The only expectations I am listening to any more are the expectations I hold for myself.
Like I said, this blog is first and foremost for me. But I know some people follow it, and for those few people that I have talked to about this blog before, I thank you again. You are all wonderful people that I feel cherished and blessed to know and call my friends and family.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Afirmacion
My daily affirmation. Yet its more than an affirmation. Its something I believe, something I have confidence in, for once. Here it goes:
I am beautiful the way I am. I am comfortable in my body. I am no longer going to walk around this world hiding. I am comfortable in my own skin and I am going to rock it. No matter how much I change, how old I get, I am going to rock it. I am beautiful the way I am.
Happy Fourth!
I am beautiful the way I am. I am comfortable in my body. I am no longer going to walk around this world hiding. I am comfortable in my own skin and I am going to rock it. No matter how much I change, how old I get, I am going to rock it. I am beautiful the way I am.
Happy Fourth!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I May Not
Consider this my own personal Taken cell phone scene...
I may not be the best looking guy around. I may not have not chiseled abs or strong arms. I may not be the kind of guy people seek out. But what I am is beautiful. God made me Nikko Hulshof Lane, probably the only one on the planet, unique and in his image. I am beautiful for my qualities, my characteristics that cannot be seen with two eyes alone. I used to believe that because I wasn't considered specifically beautiful by society's standards, that I was the problem. But really, society is lazy. You could find my beauty, my unique personality, if you, society, didn't hold such a lazy standard for beauty. Go ahead, seek the beautiful people, the people are easily seen as beautiful. But I am a diamond in the rough, and you have to work to find me. For those people, my friends, family, who take the time to find it, they know me for who I am. Its not my fault if someone doesn't want to take the time to get to know me. Its out of my hands.
This is what I took from vacation in Florida. So many beautiful people around. I could have become jealous for their beauty, but I realized it helped me realize my own form of beauty. Vacation has helped me realize that I am who I am, and the best people in my life will accept me or have already accepted me for exactly how I am and nothing about my body changing will change that. They love me for my personality, not for my physique. The people who want to judge me on my physique are not worth my time or thoughts. I am what I am and I am not gonna let anything affect me anymore,and not let it affect some of my most primal and necessary needs.
So thank you, those of you who love me for me. Your the most important people in my life. I truly love you, and pray for your well-being, daily. Your love keeps me going!
I may not be the best looking guy around. I may not have not chiseled abs or strong arms. I may not be the kind of guy people seek out. But what I am is beautiful. God made me Nikko Hulshof Lane, probably the only one on the planet, unique and in his image. I am beautiful for my qualities, my characteristics that cannot be seen with two eyes alone. I used to believe that because I wasn't considered specifically beautiful by society's standards, that I was the problem. But really, society is lazy. You could find my beauty, my unique personality, if you, society, didn't hold such a lazy standard for beauty. Go ahead, seek the beautiful people, the people are easily seen as beautiful. But I am a diamond in the rough, and you have to work to find me. For those people, my friends, family, who take the time to find it, they know me for who I am. Its not my fault if someone doesn't want to take the time to get to know me. Its out of my hands.
This is what I took from vacation in Florida. So many beautiful people around. I could have become jealous for their beauty, but I realized it helped me realize my own form of beauty. Vacation has helped me realize that I am who I am, and the best people in my life will accept me or have already accepted me for exactly how I am and nothing about my body changing will change that. They love me for my personality, not for my physique. The people who want to judge me on my physique are not worth my time or thoughts. I am what I am and I am not gonna let anything affect me anymore,and not let it affect some of my most primal and necessary needs.
So thank you, those of you who love me for me. Your the most important people in my life. I truly love you, and pray for your well-being, daily. Your love keeps me going!
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