This week has brought a windstorm of change into my life.
First and foremost, nursing school. Unbelievable excitement, but I can hardly keep up with everything that is happening in just my 4 classes.
I have this feeling like I am going to have to push myself to the limit like never before to be a good nurse and get things done. They been emphasizing learning to be the best nurse you can be, not just pass and become a shitty one. I want to be best the nurse, and I think it will take a lot out of me, physically, mentally, in so many ways. I can already tell from my schedule, there will be 5 hour sleep nights. I will run on whatever energy I have, and I will make this work. I am not excited about the difficulty of this year, but maybe this is what I want? I have always wanted to God's work in some way, to the fullest of my potential, and if it takes me pushing and pushing this year just for that one patient, maybe thats worth it. Or maybe I am crazy, who knows?
Also, Spring Break. Costa Rica trip for the Nursing college..... but.... $3000 dollars. Damn. Have I not been talking about doing this FOREVER? I need that money bad, but I don't know how I will make it, especially in the negative financially, that I always feel I am.
Surprisingly, that is just about all I have to say about nursing. The other change this week is in love. My best friend and his girlfriend, also my friend broke up. They seem to be doing okay, and still care for each other, which is relieving. But boy, it came as a shock to me. It hit me all of a sudden, and brought fears and inhibitions of the relationship I so desire. What if that happened to me? Would I want to risk losing a friendship over a relationship? Am I plagued by my desire to be a good friend that I will never be able to break past that level of a relationship? These questions popped in my mind, consuming my thoughts.
But, on top of it all. I still believe in love. To me, love is the central force behind everything. Ask a physics professor and he will say gravity, a biology professor, oxygen, yadda yadda, but its love, I have no doubt. Love for a brother, a mother. Love for a girl you meet out of nowhere, or a boy who charms his way into heart. Love will not fail. Just because romantic love causes pain at times, doesn't mean it can't cause joy, emotion, passion. I desire that passion, but at the same time, I know love is not synonymous with relationships. Love for my friends drive me throughout my day. God, I love them, and they could never understand how I feel for them, how much I cherish a walk to Nursing class with them, or to see their happy asses living life crazy, drunken at some party. I love hearing about their days, the mishaps and the miracles, the things they learned each day, so on and so on. It brings me another kind of love and connection that I just love so much.
I may not act like it, but my friends mean so much to me, and if I had the voice to scream it, I would scream out everyday how much they change me, for the better.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Vessel
Oh man.
We are all given what we are given by the Lord Almighty. Most of us: two eyes, two arms, to legs, 10 fingers and 10 toes. The building parts of the vessel given to carry our soul by God, most commonly known as the body. I have never been more thankful for this vessel.
Think about it....
My eyes... they help me see all of God's creations, all of his children. They provide me a way to see, read, and therefore understand. They allow me to witness the beauty of the world, art, nature, people. They own their own hue, unique to me (and maybe my Grandfather), and distinguish my creation by God from someone else's. Ocean blue, God knew I would be a beach rat....
My ears... hang close to my brain, allowing the words of God and his children to enter my consciousness quickly. God blessed me with two of these to listen. When properly done, listening leads to wisdom. With these ears, I can experience the pleasure of hearing a familiar voice of a friend, and even the beauty of music (oh how I love music).
My arms and hands... my arms, oh they are getting stronger with time. I was weak, but I chose to stop letting them go to waste. My hands, God gave me hands to feel, to comfort a loved one, to hug, shake hands, cover my eyes in a scary movie. My arms and hands allow me to do the work I feel called to do, to nurse others to better health. God's blessings of arms and legs allow me to type these words now, to lift myself out of bed to a new day, to throw my arms in the air in exultation of Him.
My legs and feet.... oh how they take me places. Without them, we would go nowhere. We would sit idly, and in no way is that the way God wants us to live and help others. My legs and feet are strong, they allow me to walk, run, dance, skip, jump, and most importantly, kneel before Him.
My stomach... one of the toughest to see the beauty of, it is such a blessing by God. Beyond the anatomical and digestive purposes, the stomach is the feel good center given to us by Him. He gave us stomachs to laugh, to sing deeply, to feel warm inside when we are feeling good. In babies, their stomach is their connection to their mothers. Big or small, round or flat, stomachs are beautiful, as is mine, and I am thankful by God.
God gave me my height, my weight, my shape, my skin tone, my eye color, hair color, limb structure, for a reason. For the first time in my life, I am one with my body, with my vessel, and am completely, 100% satisfied with it. I am who I am, and this body is what God gave me. What mortal gift in the flesh is better than our own personal container for our soul and our spirit, that allows us to experience life in its fullest? I, by no means, walk around in a cocky manner, but I do love the way I look now and see my body as more than just an appearance. Its not cocky, its confident. Its the confidence in the sense of if someone has something negative to say about it, I do not care, because nothing can change what I see, the good I see, given to me directly by my God.
Thank God for our bodies and our health and the opportunities we have that go along with them.
We are all given what we are given by the Lord Almighty. Most of us: two eyes, two arms, to legs, 10 fingers and 10 toes. The building parts of the vessel given to carry our soul by God, most commonly known as the body. I have never been more thankful for this vessel.
Think about it....
My eyes... they help me see all of God's creations, all of his children. They provide me a way to see, read, and therefore understand. They allow me to witness the beauty of the world, art, nature, people. They own their own hue, unique to me (and maybe my Grandfather), and distinguish my creation by God from someone else's. Ocean blue, God knew I would be a beach rat....
My ears... hang close to my brain, allowing the words of God and his children to enter my consciousness quickly. God blessed me with two of these to listen. When properly done, listening leads to wisdom. With these ears, I can experience the pleasure of hearing a familiar voice of a friend, and even the beauty of music (oh how I love music).
My arms and hands... my arms, oh they are getting stronger with time. I was weak, but I chose to stop letting them go to waste. My hands, God gave me hands to feel, to comfort a loved one, to hug, shake hands, cover my eyes in a scary movie. My arms and hands allow me to do the work I feel called to do, to nurse others to better health. God's blessings of arms and legs allow me to type these words now, to lift myself out of bed to a new day, to throw my arms in the air in exultation of Him.
My legs and feet.... oh how they take me places. Without them, we would go nowhere. We would sit idly, and in no way is that the way God wants us to live and help others. My legs and feet are strong, they allow me to walk, run, dance, skip, jump, and most importantly, kneel before Him.
My stomach... one of the toughest to see the beauty of, it is such a blessing by God. Beyond the anatomical and digestive purposes, the stomach is the feel good center given to us by Him. He gave us stomachs to laugh, to sing deeply, to feel warm inside when we are feeling good. In babies, their stomach is their connection to their mothers. Big or small, round or flat, stomachs are beautiful, as is mine, and I am thankful by God.
God gave me my height, my weight, my shape, my skin tone, my eye color, hair color, limb structure, for a reason. For the first time in my life, I am one with my body, with my vessel, and am completely, 100% satisfied with it. I am who I am, and this body is what God gave me. What mortal gift in the flesh is better than our own personal container for our soul and our spirit, that allows us to experience life in its fullest? I, by no means, walk around in a cocky manner, but I do love the way I look now and see my body as more than just an appearance. Its not cocky, its confident. Its the confidence in the sense of if someone has something negative to say about it, I do not care, because nothing can change what I see, the good I see, given to me directly by my God.
Thank God for our bodies and our health and the opportunities we have that go along with them.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Sunshine
Have you ever wished you could be someone's guardian angel? I have. I realize lately that I am constantly thinking about my friends, how they are doing, praying their days are filled with the love of God, and praying for their well-being. I want to be there for them to make sure they know God's love as well as my love for them. They mean the world to me.
I am glad God made me into a human, but Lord, I would make a great guardian angel. I pray when I die, God willing some 60+ years from now, I will go to Heaven, and be a guardian angel to someone important to me.
I couldn't go to bed without writing this down, afraid I would forget what I had to say, and its not much, but I think its important. It makes me think of this great song by Matisyahu called "Sunshine." So pretty, and if you listen to it, you will understand how I cherish the people around me. Remember:
I care for you. I am thinking of you. I love you.
I am glad God made me into a human, but Lord, I would make a great guardian angel. I pray when I die, God willing some 60+ years from now, I will go to Heaven, and be a guardian angel to someone important to me.
I couldn't go to bed without writing this down, afraid I would forget what I had to say, and its not much, but I think its important. It makes me think of this great song by Matisyahu called "Sunshine." So pretty, and if you listen to it, you will understand how I cherish the people around me. Remember:
I care for you. I am thinking of you. I love you.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
All In
Lots of improvements made this summer. I am an overwhelming sense of relief and accomplishment. I have gotten so much better. I feel so good right now. Better than I have in a while. I am doing a decent job being happy with how I am and I have a lot of confidence that I never knew before.
So what next? I am feeling a list tonight, that is how my thoughts are laid out.
1. I move back in barely over a week, and I could not be more excited.
2. I think back to the past two years, how I felt, and I don't want that. Last year was good, but the combination of my struggle and my lack of confidence has kept me hidden away from others. I have been isolated, and it is no one's fault but my own. I used to feel bad that people didn't seek me out, but I realized they don't because of how I present myself to them. I didn't make myself available, and my rigidness isolated me from the people I love. That is not gonna happen again. First, I have gotten my struggle under control (minus a few occasional negative thoughts). Second, I have started getting confident with who I am and how I appear. Those two feed each other, both in positive and negative ways, and I am feeling great about making myself available.
3. I do have fears about this year, but part of the progress I have made this summer is being able to recognize my fears as what they are, but also realize that I have the power to control my fate, my outcome, up to a certain point. I am not going to drown in my fear like I have before. Not now, no longer. As I told a friend earlier this week, "This semester, I am game. This semester, I'm all in."
4. Part of why I am so happy about getting better through all this is that I feel I can finally be the best me to help others. My friends, and family, and new people I encounter daily is what bring me the most joy in life, and I really want to be able to serve them in any way the Lord sees fit for me. I am not talking about nursing, but more a general day to day thing. I have always held this in, but my number one goal day to day, my motto is "Be the best friend I can be everyday." Sounds like Notre Dame, I know, but I seriously walk around thinking this. I strive to be the best friend I can as possible. I can't explain it, nor why I started following this motto a few years ago, but its important to me. Now that I am my full, strong self, I can truly be the best I can for others, every day!
5. I am interested in someone. We shall see how it goes! Cheers to it, and cheers to if it's not meant to be, I am open to whatever God's plan for me.
6. I start nursing school this year. Holy yes. You know that song that goes, "I've been waitttttin, for a girl like you..."? Some old 80's song. Well this is what plays in my head for this year. Minus the girl part, add the moment. I am so ready to learn what it takes to save lives.
That's all I wanted to say. I hope everyone's doing well. God Bless.
So what next? I am feeling a list tonight, that is how my thoughts are laid out.
1. I move back in barely over a week, and I could not be more excited.
2. I think back to the past two years, how I felt, and I don't want that. Last year was good, but the combination of my struggle and my lack of confidence has kept me hidden away from others. I have been isolated, and it is no one's fault but my own. I used to feel bad that people didn't seek me out, but I realized they don't because of how I present myself to them. I didn't make myself available, and my rigidness isolated me from the people I love. That is not gonna happen again. First, I have gotten my struggle under control (minus a few occasional negative thoughts). Second, I have started getting confident with who I am and how I appear. Those two feed each other, both in positive and negative ways, and I am feeling great about making myself available.
3. I do have fears about this year, but part of the progress I have made this summer is being able to recognize my fears as what they are, but also realize that I have the power to control my fate, my outcome, up to a certain point. I am not going to drown in my fear like I have before. Not now, no longer. As I told a friend earlier this week, "This semester, I am game. This semester, I'm all in."
4. Part of why I am so happy about getting better through all this is that I feel I can finally be the best me to help others. My friends, and family, and new people I encounter daily is what bring me the most joy in life, and I really want to be able to serve them in any way the Lord sees fit for me. I am not talking about nursing, but more a general day to day thing. I have always held this in, but my number one goal day to day, my motto is "Be the best friend I can be everyday." Sounds like Notre Dame, I know, but I seriously walk around thinking this. I strive to be the best friend I can as possible. I can't explain it, nor why I started following this motto a few years ago, but its important to me. Now that I am my full, strong self, I can truly be the best I can for others, every day!
5. I am interested in someone. We shall see how it goes! Cheers to it, and cheers to if it's not meant to be, I am open to whatever God's plan for me.
6. I start nursing school this year. Holy yes. You know that song that goes, "I've been waitttttin, for a girl like you..."? Some old 80's song. Well this is what plays in my head for this year. Minus the girl part, add the moment. I am so ready to learn what it takes to save lives.
That's all I wanted to say. I hope everyone's doing well. God Bless.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Eliot
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
- T.S. Eliot
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