I Believe in Love

This week has brought a windstorm of change into my life.

First and foremost, nursing school. Unbelievable excitement, but I can hardly keep up with everything that is happening in just my 4 classes.

I have this feeling like I am going to have to push myself to the limit like never before to be a good nurse and get things done. They been emphasizing learning to be the best nurse you can be, not just pass and become a shitty one. I want to be best the nurse, and I think it will take a lot out of me, physically, mentally, in so many ways. I can already tell from my schedule, there will be 5 hour sleep nights. I will run on whatever energy I have, and I will make this work. I am not excited about the difficulty of this year, but maybe this is what I want? I have always wanted to God's work in some way, to the fullest of my potential, and if it takes me pushing and pushing this year just for that one patient, maybe thats worth it. Or maybe I am crazy, who knows?

Also, Spring Break. Costa Rica trip for the Nursing college..... but.... $3000 dollars. Damn. Have I not been talking about doing this FOREVER? I need that money bad, but I don't know how I will make it, especially in the negative financially, that I always feel I am.

Surprisingly, that is just about all I have to say about nursing. The other change this week is in love. My best friend and his girlfriend, also my friend broke up. They seem to be doing okay, and still care for each other, which is relieving. But boy, it came as a shock to me. It hit me all of a sudden, and brought fears and inhibitions of the relationship I so desire. What if that happened to me? Would I want to risk losing a friendship over a relationship? Am I plagued by my desire to be a good friend that I will never be able to break past that level of a relationship? These questions popped in my mind, consuming my thoughts.

But, on top of it all. I still believe in love. To me, love is the central force behind everything. Ask a physics professor and he will say gravity, a biology professor, oxygen, yadda yadda, but its love, I have no doubt. Love for a brother, a mother. Love for a girl you meet out of nowhere, or a boy who charms his way into heart. Love will not fail. Just because romantic love causes pain at times, doesn't mean it can't cause joy, emotion, passion. I desire that passion, but at the same time, I know love is not synonymous with relationships. Love for my friends drive me throughout my day. God, I love them, and they could never understand how I feel for them, how much I cherish a walk to Nursing class with them, or to see their happy asses living life crazy, drunken at some party. I love hearing about their days, the mishaps and the miracles, the things they learned each day, so on and so on. It brings me another kind of love and connection that I just love so much.

I may not act like it, but my friends mean so much to me, and if I had the voice to scream it, I would scream out everyday how much they change me, for the better.