Before I start this blog post, I wanna start by saying that this blog is not just me rambling about my favorite Disney movies. I love Disney, and this post, as well as my last post references Disney movies. Pure coincidence.
Anyways, I was walking to my Statistics class today, and was listening to my iPod like I usually do. My playlist was on shuffle, and a song came up that I absolutely love. Its a Disney song, called "I'm Still Here" by John Rzeznik (of the Goo Goo Dolls). The song is from Treasure Planet, one of Disney's less popular movies of the past years, but still a great one, nonetheless. "I'm Still Here" has always been one of those sentimental songs that gets to me, from the first time I heard it in sixth or seventh grade. It was an angsty, yet uplifting song. If you know me well, you will know sentimental and uplifting are two of my calling cards.
My best ideas and realizations tend to happen as if certain moments in my life flash before me like a stack of photographs. All of these moments move quickly as they flash through my mind, but often times they culminate into this amazing, unifying thought. The best part of "I'm Still Here" is when the writer exclaims "I want a moment to be real, wanna touch things I don't feel." Its about this part of the song that I had this flash of emotions and my mind whirred with moments, that left me with unified feeling. I felt amazing in that moment, though I couldn't quite explain it yet. I felt the biggest need to blog, but sadly had class, and studying to do before I could.
The flash of photographs in my mind, triggered by this amazing song, gave me this feeling like I felt something real. I have had great times in my life, and met amazing people. I have been to multiple countries, and been apart of things bigger than myself. Yet somehow, this feeling was unlike any of those previously mentioned.
This past year has been a constant up-hill battle, filled with trials I though I would never have to face; the kind of trials that just a few years ago, I would laugh at, because it could never happen to me. But at the same time, this year has presented me with so many moments to be real. Its hard to explain, but as I was walking, I had images of things happening to me this past year, good and bad, and they all started to fit together like a puzzle. People I have known before this year, grown closer to, developed true relationships; Roommates, who know me better than anyone. People I have met, that I am still getting to know, that I look forward to bright futures with; That girl that I like, that I wish I did a better job of getting to know. People I don't know, that I will never know, but that still influenced me this past year, in some way, in some form. They are presenting me daily with moments to be real. I have never felt this real, this alive, like I have touched things I don't feel.
This feeling of real and genuine gives me hope for things to come. It gives me confidence moving forward with the people I know and love, and hope for more like them in the years to come. It gives the realization that I am still here after the trials I have faced, and it gives me faith that I will continue to get through whatever it is I am dealing with. Like the Rzeznik sings, "I'm the one now, cause I'm still here." I'm still here.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Monkey's Uncle
As my week home for the Thanksgiving holidays comes to an end, I look back on things I have been thinking about this week. Like most people, I have been thinking of all the things I am thankful for, and thinking of what truly matters in life. But being me, and having my own thoughts, another seed has been planted; another thought has been going around my noggin.
As I mentioned before, in previous posts, I struggled a lot last year and into this year with something personal. Through the struggle, I slowly had changes come across me. Things I did not appreciate before, things I in fact disliked at times, were lost thanks to my struggle. It is only now that I seem to see things for how they were and and how they are now, and at first thought, I would give anything to have some of things in me that I feel I lost, back in me. At first thought, I resent all everything the struggle presented me, every challenge I faced, every dark place I had to go because of it. It was not a good place for me, the past year, and at first thought, I wish I never had to face any of it.
But, by the fact that I have these thoughts over the Thanksgiving holiday, I had second, and different approach to my struggle. Despite the resentment for the changes and places I have been to, despite my wish to give anything to change things, I know I could never change anything that happened. I was given the cards I was given, and I did the best I could do with it, and I am okay. Things are hard, but they are getting better and I am okay.
Maybe I am feeling this way because the day before I went home for break, a few friends of mine watched the Lion King with me. The Lion King is easily my favorite movie (as I mentioned to my friends multiple times, without fail) because of the deep philosophical messages that it preaches, among other things. In the Lion King, there is a resounding message (at least, resounding to me) from some of the characters about the past and how you let it affect your decisions in the present. Timon starts this message by saying "You gotta put your past behind you." What really hits the message home to me every time I watch the movie is Rafiki's conversation with Simba. Rafiki hits Simba with his stick, and tells him that the pain doesn't matter, because "it is in the past." When Simba says that it still hurts, Rafiki replies, "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it."
I am definitely learning from my past. I am learning not to blame myself for what happened, but to also forgive myself as well. I am learning to come to peace with it, and working to love myself no matter what. I am also learning the importance of allowing others into my life with this learning process. The learning I am doing can be hard, and sometimes as hard as the struggle itself. The people I care about are here for me, and are exactly what I need going forward. They are what I am thankful for this holiday season.
As I mentioned before, in previous posts, I struggled a lot last year and into this year with something personal. Through the struggle, I slowly had changes come across me. Things I did not appreciate before, things I in fact disliked at times, were lost thanks to my struggle. It is only now that I seem to see things for how they were and and how they are now, and at first thought, I would give anything to have some of things in me that I feel I lost, back in me. At first thought, I resent all everything the struggle presented me, every challenge I faced, every dark place I had to go because of it. It was not a good place for me, the past year, and at first thought, I wish I never had to face any of it.
But, by the fact that I have these thoughts over the Thanksgiving holiday, I had second, and different approach to my struggle. Despite the resentment for the changes and places I have been to, despite my wish to give anything to change things, I know I could never change anything that happened. I was given the cards I was given, and I did the best I could do with it, and I am okay. Things are hard, but they are getting better and I am okay.
Maybe I am feeling this way because the day before I went home for break, a few friends of mine watched the Lion King with me. The Lion King is easily my favorite movie (as I mentioned to my friends multiple times, without fail) because of the deep philosophical messages that it preaches, among other things. In the Lion King, there is a resounding message (at least, resounding to me) from some of the characters about the past and how you let it affect your decisions in the present. Timon starts this message by saying "You gotta put your past behind you." What really hits the message home to me every time I watch the movie is Rafiki's conversation with Simba. Rafiki hits Simba with his stick, and tells him that the pain doesn't matter, because "it is in the past." When Simba says that it still hurts, Rafiki replies, "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it."
I am definitely learning from my past. I am learning not to blame myself for what happened, but to also forgive myself as well. I am learning to come to peace with it, and working to love myself no matter what. I am also learning the importance of allowing others into my life with this learning process. The learning I am doing can be hard, and sometimes as hard as the struggle itself. The people I care about are here for me, and are exactly what I need going forward. They are what I am thankful for this holiday season.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Shoes, part 2
I feel like I have more to say in continuation from my last post. Continuing on the idea of each of us, strangers to each other, coming from our own background, our own walk of life, there is something that I have been thinking about. While the idea that we are all different and unique and have our own story may seem very isolating and polarizing from each other, I feel it is the exact opposite.
My personal story involves me being raised a Catholic, my whole life. The word catholic itself means "universal", and this characteristic is something that frequently arises in Catholic discussions and is one of the most resounding characteristics of my faith. I think this trait holds true with what I was discussing earlier in the week. We may all be different, and we may have no earthly idea anything about people we pass daily. We may interact with these people, or these people may just pass us by. We all have busy lives, and there is a great number of people we pass daily that we do not even notice or take into account. But the fact of the matter is that what makes us different brings us together as a human race.
I may not have experienced exactly what the person that I pass on the street at 3:28pm on my way to Nutrition today, but what we do share is that we have struggled and we have laughed. We have hurt a friend before, and we have asked forgiveness. We have celebrated birthdays, and most likely have experienced the exhilaration of riding a bike for the first time. The point is, we have walked our own paths, and we are different in thousands of ways, but the similarities we share is what makes us all one family in the universe. I guarantee you, though we walk opposite ways on the sidewalk, and though we speak no words to each other, we both strive to live a good life, to know God or some sort of higher power, and we are both just trying to find our way in life.
Thinking about this gives me a greater empathy and understanding in other people. A friend of mine asked me this week, "Do you ever get angry at anyone, Nikko?" I stopped to think. I get frustrated at people and things that annoy me, but do I ever really, truly get angry at people. The answer is no. I cannot remember the last time I was honestly angry at someone. I attribute this to the fact that I have been actively trying to look at people in a newer light, or with a different lens, perhaps. The lens I use is one not of judgement or criticism, but of acceptance and empathy for my fellow man. Its not easy at first, but I find this way of looking at things to allow me to accept others, and I ultimately feel like I am a better person for it.
My personal story involves me being raised a Catholic, my whole life. The word catholic itself means "universal", and this characteristic is something that frequently arises in Catholic discussions and is one of the most resounding characteristics of my faith. I think this trait holds true with what I was discussing earlier in the week. We may all be different, and we may have no earthly idea anything about people we pass daily. We may interact with these people, or these people may just pass us by. We all have busy lives, and there is a great number of people we pass daily that we do not even notice or take into account. But the fact of the matter is that what makes us different brings us together as a human race.
I may not have experienced exactly what the person that I pass on the street at 3:28pm on my way to Nutrition today, but what we do share is that we have struggled and we have laughed. We have hurt a friend before, and we have asked forgiveness. We have celebrated birthdays, and most likely have experienced the exhilaration of riding a bike for the first time. The point is, we have walked our own paths, and we are different in thousands of ways, but the similarities we share is what makes us all one family in the universe. I guarantee you, though we walk opposite ways on the sidewalk, and though we speak no words to each other, we both strive to live a good life, to know God or some sort of higher power, and we are both just trying to find our way in life.
Thinking about this gives me a greater empathy and understanding in other people. A friend of mine asked me this week, "Do you ever get angry at anyone, Nikko?" I stopped to think. I get frustrated at people and things that annoy me, but do I ever really, truly get angry at people. The answer is no. I cannot remember the last time I was honestly angry at someone. I attribute this to the fact that I have been actively trying to look at people in a newer light, or with a different lens, perhaps. The lens I use is one not of judgement or criticism, but of acceptance and empathy for my fellow man. Its not easy at first, but I find this way of looking at things to allow me to accept others, and I ultimately feel like I am a better person for it.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Shoes
I meant to blog about this the other day when this was more fresh in my mind, but sadly life got in the way. I am going to try and write this as well as possible and try to remember it correctly, so here it goes.
The other day, a friend and I were casually talking. He and I were discussing things that really "grinded our gears." I mentioned things like slow walkers, ridiculous habits of professors of mine, and the divide between the rich and poor in this world. We continued to talk, when he started telling me about this person that he really did not care for. He described the numerous reasons why that person annoyed him, including the general lack of kindness in this person. The picture he painted of this person was needless to say, awful.
The more he talked about this person, the more I started to feel his annoyance. But right when I started to share my friends feelings on this person I had never even met, I caught myself. What am I doing? How can I feel this way, think this way about someone I had never met? I am not a judgmental person at all, but when I had this sentiment, I pulled back. I suddenly had a new train of thought, one that sadly, led me away, far away from my conversation with my friend. He continued to talk, but I was in my own head, thinking...
Who is this person, really? Where have they been? My friend had a very clear and defined judgement and decision made on who this person was and exactly why that person was the way he saw them. But is that really true. I started to think of all the things that go into and define a person and who they really are. Using myself as an example, I know that even the closest of all my friends still don't know every little thing, about me. Sure, they know a lot, don't get me wrong, but there are so many things that define who I am.
So I put myself in that person's metaphorical shoes, if only for just a minute. Where have I (that person) been in life, what things have I (that person) seen, that I (that person) have only seen in my (their) own unique way. Where had I (that person) been in the past hour, the past day, the past week, the past year? What have I (that person) overcome, and what am I (that person) still struggling with right now.
This thought really struck a chord with me. I did not bring it up to my friend as he talked, because that would be rude, for one, and because it was a new thought to me that I had not grasped completely. But for the rest of the day, well beyond that casual, 5-minute conversation with my buddy, this thought consumed my thoughts, if not sat at the back of my mind.
Life will present us with all kinds of people that we will naturally make decisions on. Its how we work. But we can never truly know what they are dealing with and what they have dealt with. So, regardless of how they present themselves to us, we must remember that we are all unique and all from different backgrounds. I think its best to be empathetic in our judgements, taking this into account, when we do make judgements on people. We all have our own shoes, equally worn and tired, dirty from walking our own individual paths.
The other day, a friend and I were casually talking. He and I were discussing things that really "grinded our gears." I mentioned things like slow walkers, ridiculous habits of professors of mine, and the divide between the rich and poor in this world. We continued to talk, when he started telling me about this person that he really did not care for. He described the numerous reasons why that person annoyed him, including the general lack of kindness in this person. The picture he painted of this person was needless to say, awful.
The more he talked about this person, the more I started to feel his annoyance. But right when I started to share my friends feelings on this person I had never even met, I caught myself. What am I doing? How can I feel this way, think this way about someone I had never met? I am not a judgmental person at all, but when I had this sentiment, I pulled back. I suddenly had a new train of thought, one that sadly, led me away, far away from my conversation with my friend. He continued to talk, but I was in my own head, thinking...
Who is this person, really? Where have they been? My friend had a very clear and defined judgement and decision made on who this person was and exactly why that person was the way he saw them. But is that really true. I started to think of all the things that go into and define a person and who they really are. Using myself as an example, I know that even the closest of all my friends still don't know every little thing, about me. Sure, they know a lot, don't get me wrong, but there are so many things that define who I am.
So I put myself in that person's metaphorical shoes, if only for just a minute. Where have I (that person) been in life, what things have I (that person) seen, that I (that person) have only seen in my (their) own unique way. Where had I (that person) been in the past hour, the past day, the past week, the past year? What have I (that person) overcome, and what am I (that person) still struggling with right now.
This thought really struck a chord with me. I did not bring it up to my friend as he talked, because that would be rude, for one, and because it was a new thought to me that I had not grasped completely. But for the rest of the day, well beyond that casual, 5-minute conversation with my buddy, this thought consumed my thoughts, if not sat at the back of my mind.
Life will present us with all kinds of people that we will naturally make decisions on. Its how we work. But we can never truly know what they are dealing with and what they have dealt with. So, regardless of how they present themselves to us, we must remember that we are all unique and all from different backgrounds. I think its best to be empathetic in our judgements, taking this into account, when we do make judgements on people. We all have our own shoes, equally worn and tired, dirty from walking our own individual paths.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Red Herring
Tonight I went to a speaker series held at the University Center. The speaker was for extra credit in my nutrition class, and I knew it would be more beneficial for me to go then to not go. The speaker was very vague, speaking almost 75-25 percent in metaphor to normal, conversational talk. She was a little hard to follow at times, but I feel like I got a lot of her talk in retrospect.
She started off with some metaphor that confused most, about a husband and wife's rules about checking a jar. I know right? Anyways, she started after that with something I actually appreciated. She started talking about the kind of people she counsels. She mentioned that the people she counsels are typically what she calls "thin-skinned." She described these people as very detail-oriented, big picture focused, and most importantly, extremely sensitive and emotionally connected people. Her description of these people struck a chord with me. It reminded me of me. I related completely with the traits she mentioned, and so my interest was instantly sparked.
She said a lot of the problems they deal with stem from their natural, personalities interacting with a world that is not adjusted to their nature, to a society that is predominantly thick skinned. This interaction, she said, causes the sensitive, thin-skinned people to feel rejection, to feel disapproval. They feel negative energies from others who do not know how to interact with them and often times question what is wrong with theses interactions, what are the causes. The speaker said that naturally, the emotional thin-skins blame themselves first, and fall into the mindset of "it must be something wrong me." She added that though this type of personality is often times given negative connotations, it could not be farther from the truth. As she said "the world would be a better place if the world had more people like this."
I instantly went from thinking this lady was a kook, to thinking, "Has this lady been following me around my whole life?" Walking back from the speaker, I couldn't help but think differently about myself. Previously, I had always hated and back lashed against my natural personality. I knew that was me, but I hated that I had these frequent negative interactions with thick-skinned people. And like she said, I always blamed myself. I was always the weird one, the one that should change.
But this lady presented me with a newer way to see it. I am different, we all are. I offer so much as a person, that for me to change would be tragic to my character, to who I am. God made me how I am for a reason, and just because the things I can offer this world are different and harder to find or see is not a bad thing. I have so much to bring to this world, and I just have to come to terms with who I am. I am thin-skinned, and that can be hard to deal with, but it allows to me be a better friend to the people I love. And, to be honest, that is the most important thing to me right now.
I am going to work on looking for what I bring to the table, and maybe try and find something each day that I, as a unique individual, bring to my relationships. I think I will notice things I never did before, and ultimately find greater value in myself.
She started off with some metaphor that confused most, about a husband and wife's rules about checking a jar. I know right? Anyways, she started after that with something I actually appreciated. She started talking about the kind of people she counsels. She mentioned that the people she counsels are typically what she calls "thin-skinned." She described these people as very detail-oriented, big picture focused, and most importantly, extremely sensitive and emotionally connected people. Her description of these people struck a chord with me. It reminded me of me. I related completely with the traits she mentioned, and so my interest was instantly sparked.
She said a lot of the problems they deal with stem from their natural, personalities interacting with a world that is not adjusted to their nature, to a society that is predominantly thick skinned. This interaction, she said, causes the sensitive, thin-skinned people to feel rejection, to feel disapproval. They feel negative energies from others who do not know how to interact with them and often times question what is wrong with theses interactions, what are the causes. The speaker said that naturally, the emotional thin-skins blame themselves first, and fall into the mindset of "it must be something wrong me." She added that though this type of personality is often times given negative connotations, it could not be farther from the truth. As she said "the world would be a better place if the world had more people like this."
I instantly went from thinking this lady was a kook, to thinking, "Has this lady been following me around my whole life?" Walking back from the speaker, I couldn't help but think differently about myself. Previously, I had always hated and back lashed against my natural personality. I knew that was me, but I hated that I had these frequent negative interactions with thick-skinned people. And like she said, I always blamed myself. I was always the weird one, the one that should change.
But this lady presented me with a newer way to see it. I am different, we all are. I offer so much as a person, that for me to change would be tragic to my character, to who I am. God made me how I am for a reason, and just because the things I can offer this world are different and harder to find or see is not a bad thing. I have so much to bring to this world, and I just have to come to terms with who I am. I am thin-skinned, and that can be hard to deal with, but it allows to me be a better friend to the people I love. And, to be honest, that is the most important thing to me right now.
I am going to work on looking for what I bring to the table, and maybe try and find something each day that I, as a unique individual, bring to my relationships. I think I will notice things I never did before, and ultimately find greater value in myself.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Adieu
This blog post is probably the most unintuitive I will ever write, and seemingly the most random as well. However, its really important to me. My brother introduced me to this song a few months back, and I probably listen to it at least 3 or 4 times a week now. It is from this very vague British Band, Enter Shikari, called "Adieu." The song is slow, and starts of sad. The lyrics are kind of melancholy as well, but the song is so unique in that it has two clear parts too it. The song, as I said, starts slow and melancholy, but by the end it speeds up a bit, and is so very uplifting.
Besides the music, there is a line at the end of the song that really gets to the core of me. Home could be anywhere, when I am holding you. This is so resounding, is it not? The context of the song is of a significant other that the writer loves, but it works on so many levels. Every time I listen to it, I think of someone important to me. Someone that makes me feel at home in this world, no matter where I am. It works for anyone I am close to. Roommates, friends, brothers, parents. Friends close to me, friends far away. Friends in the next room, 8 floors above; friends I haven't heard from in a few years. It also gives me hope that one day I will have that person, that special person that is special to me and I am special to her.
This blog isn't really going anywhere with my words, but I think you should all give it a listen, and try and put yourself in the mindset I am in when I listen to it. I think you will find it as beautiful as I do.
Besides the music, there is a line at the end of the song that really gets to the core of me. Home could be anywhere, when I am holding you. This is so resounding, is it not? The context of the song is of a significant other that the writer loves, but it works on so many levels. Every time I listen to it, I think of someone important to me. Someone that makes me feel at home in this world, no matter where I am. It works for anyone I am close to. Roommates, friends, brothers, parents. Friends close to me, friends far away. Friends in the next room, 8 floors above; friends I haven't heard from in a few years. It also gives me hope that one day I will have that person, that special person that is special to me and I am special to her.
This blog isn't really going anywhere with my words, but I think you should all give it a listen, and try and put yourself in the mindset I am in when I listen to it. I think you will find it as beautiful as I do.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Strong as a Lion.
I am writing this during my Nutrition discussion, for a number of reasons. Mostly because when I have something on my mind and want to write it down, it usually cannot wait. Secondly, I abhor this class. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that this class irks me to the core.
Among the many things that is on my mind is something I have been noticing over the past couple weeks. These past few weeks has been marked by new-found relationships with people that I am meeting and getting to know better, as well as rekindling relationships with older friends of mine. I attribute a great deal of this to the Awakening retreat that I mentioned in my "Alive Again" post, because it introduced me to these new friends that I have made and inspired to me to reconnect to the older friendships.
Simply the schedule of the retreat requires us to be around each other at all times, and that mindset is holding true beyond the retreat. I for one, have spent more time in 1528 than I have my own apartment (besides sleeping, of course) the past two weeks. The time spent with my friends up there or with them across campus has brought new people in my life, and I am finding that these people I meet are exactly the people I want to be around right now. I get so much energy out of people, and these people are no exception to the rule.
Having said this, I noticed something interesting about myself with the interactions I have had with these people. I am starting to feel naturally drawn to some people, where as I normally would just have a happy-go-lucky feeling with a large group. One or two of these people I find that I am wanting to know more and more about, to have tons of small conversations with, to share some of myself with, as I am starting to do more in my life (read "Alive Again'!)
Where as this is a natural feeling, I cannot help but feel the effects of my low self-esteem and confidence when I get these feelings. I let myself get worried about judgements on me as a person. What will this person think if I do pursue a great friendship with them? Am I awkward for trying to incorporate myself into their life? Am I welcome to this person like they are to me? These feelings come from my natural fear of rejection, and I wish I did not have to deal with this. I hate knowing people that I want to know better and be closer to and even open myself up, but being my own biggest hurdle. I hate feeling like a small bit of ice that I could break with a fork seems like a polar ice cap that takes a heavy ax to make a dent in.
I am working on this, of course, but it is easier said that done. It takes little steps to overcome fears of judgements. I am optimistic that things will change, because things are changing for the better. Maybe I am just a little impatient right now, with all these positive changes in my life. I am going to pray to God for patience, courage, and strength in this.
God, allow me to be as strong as a lion.
Among the many things that is on my mind is something I have been noticing over the past couple weeks. These past few weeks has been marked by new-found relationships with people that I am meeting and getting to know better, as well as rekindling relationships with older friends of mine. I attribute a great deal of this to the Awakening retreat that I mentioned in my "Alive Again" post, because it introduced me to these new friends that I have made and inspired to me to reconnect to the older friendships.
Simply the schedule of the retreat requires us to be around each other at all times, and that mindset is holding true beyond the retreat. I for one, have spent more time in 1528 than I have my own apartment (besides sleeping, of course) the past two weeks. The time spent with my friends up there or with them across campus has brought new people in my life, and I am finding that these people I meet are exactly the people I want to be around right now. I get so much energy out of people, and these people are no exception to the rule.
Having said this, I noticed something interesting about myself with the interactions I have had with these people. I am starting to feel naturally drawn to some people, where as I normally would just have a happy-go-lucky feeling with a large group. One or two of these people I find that I am wanting to know more and more about, to have tons of small conversations with, to share some of myself with, as I am starting to do more in my life (read "Alive Again'!)
Where as this is a natural feeling, I cannot help but feel the effects of my low self-esteem and confidence when I get these feelings. I let myself get worried about judgements on me as a person. What will this person think if I do pursue a great friendship with them? Am I awkward for trying to incorporate myself into their life? Am I welcome to this person like they are to me? These feelings come from my natural fear of rejection, and I wish I did not have to deal with this. I hate knowing people that I want to know better and be closer to and even open myself up, but being my own biggest hurdle. I hate feeling like a small bit of ice that I could break with a fork seems like a polar ice cap that takes a heavy ax to make a dent in.
I am working on this, of course, but it is easier said that done. It takes little steps to overcome fears of judgements. I am optimistic that things will change, because things are changing for the better. Maybe I am just a little impatient right now, with all these positive changes in my life. I am going to pray to God for patience, courage, and strength in this.
God, allow me to be as strong as a lion.
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