Strong as a Lion.

I am writing this during my Nutrition discussion, for a number of reasons. Mostly because when I have something on my mind and want to write it down, it usually cannot wait. Secondly, I abhor this class. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that this class irks me to the core.

Among the many things that is on my mind is something I have been noticing over the past couple weeks. These past few weeks has been marked by new-found relationships with people that I am meeting and getting to know better, as well as rekindling relationships with older friends of mine. I attribute a great deal of this to the Awakening retreat that I mentioned in my "Alive Again" post, because it introduced me to these new friends that I have made and inspired to me to reconnect to the older friendships.

Simply the schedule of the retreat requires us to be around each other at all times, and that mindset is holding true beyond the retreat. I for one, have spent more time in 1528 than I have my own apartment (besides sleeping, of course) the past two weeks. The time spent with my friends up there or with them across campus has brought new people in my life, and I am finding that these people I meet are exactly the people I want to be around right now. I get so much energy out of people, and these people are no exception to the rule.

Having said this, I noticed something interesting about myself with the interactions I have had with these people. I am starting to feel naturally drawn to some people, where as I normally would just have a happy-go-lucky feeling with a large group. One or two of these people I find that I am wanting to know more and more about, to have tons of small conversations with, to share some of myself with, as I am starting to do more in my life (read "Alive Again'!)

Where as this is a natural feeling, I cannot help but feel the effects of my low self-esteem and confidence when I get these feelings. I let myself get worried about judgements on me as a person. What will this person think if I do pursue a great friendship with them? Am I awkward for trying to incorporate myself into their life? Am I welcome to this person like they are to me? These feelings come from my natural fear of rejection, and I wish I did not have to deal with this. I hate knowing people that I want to know better and be closer to and even open myself up, but being my own biggest hurdle. I hate feeling like a small bit of ice that I could break with a fork seems like a polar ice cap that takes a heavy ax to make a dent in.

I am working on this, of course, but it is easier said that done. It takes little steps to overcome fears of judgements. I am optimistic that things will change, because things are changing for the better. Maybe I am just a little impatient right now, with all these positive changes in my life. I am going to pray to God for patience, courage, and strength in this.

God, allow me to be as strong as a lion.