As much as I try to play it off, or not act like it, the fact of the matter is, I am such a romantic.
That being said, my favorite Christmas song of all (if it can be called that) is What Are You Doing New Year's Eve. I am not sure who wrote it, but it hits me in the best spots possible. It is so beautiful, and such a me song. Enjoy!
Maybe it’s much too early in the game
Ah, but I thought I’d ask you just the same
What are you doing New Year’s
New Year’s Eve?
Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight
When it’s exactly twelve o’clock that night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year’s Eve
Maybe I’m crazy to suppose
I’d ever be the one you chose
Out of a thousand invitations
You’d receive
Ah, but in case I stand one little chance
Here comes the jackpot question in advance
What are you doing New Year’s
New Year’s Eve?
Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight
When it’s exactly twelve o’clock that night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year’s Eve
What are you doing New Year’s Eve?
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Ponder, Ponder
I don't have much to say in this post. I just have a little something on my mind that I feel I need to let slip through my fingertips and into this computer.
Do you ever talk to someone that you just don't get? I am going to have to rephrase that already. Basically, is there ever someone you talk to that you always feel like you need to talk to more after you part? I do. And I feel like the more I talk to this person, the more I want to know, the more I want to share with, the more I want to understand and to be understood.
Do you ever feel like you marvel at the thought of what they are thinking. Talking to this person, do you find yourself thinking "What is she thinking?"
Do you ever feel like you were so good at reading people, until you met this person, and now your not so sure?
These are some of the things I think about with this person. This may sound like me expelling my frustrations onto my blog, but its not, I can promise you. It is simply that I am amazed at these feelings right now, and I can't find a way to explain it with out writing it out. Writing usually helps me understand things I think or feel. But like this person, I am still amazed by them.
Do you ever talk to someone that you just don't get? I am going to have to rephrase that already. Basically, is there ever someone you talk to that you always feel like you need to talk to more after you part? I do. And I feel like the more I talk to this person, the more I want to know, the more I want to share with, the more I want to understand and to be understood.
Do you ever feel like you marvel at the thought of what they are thinking. Talking to this person, do you find yourself thinking "What is she thinking?"
Do you ever feel like you were so good at reading people, until you met this person, and now your not so sure?
These are some of the things I think about with this person. This may sound like me expelling my frustrations onto my blog, but its not, I can promise you. It is simply that I am amazed at these feelings right now, and I can't find a way to explain it with out writing it out. Writing usually helps me understand things I think or feel. But like this person, I am still amazed by them.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Courage Project
Yesterday was a weird day, considering it was the day after Christmas. Most years, this is the laziest day for my family. But this year was just odd. My dad had to go out of town because it was Monday, and Monday's are travel-out-of-town days for my dad, even on day-after-Christmas this year. This being said, this years day after Christmas was the opposite of years past.
Kyle, my younger brother, has been patient, but his cabin fever reached a breaking point. He asked me to drive him into town so he could see friends. I had wanted to spend day with my family since my Mah was going back to work the next day, so we all rode together to hang with his friends. My Mah and I made some errands up to waste time until he was done, and afterwards, we all wanted to see a movie. We decided on We Bought a Zoo, which I was surprised everyone would want to see it. I know I had for a while.
The movie was every bit of what I had expected and hoped for. As I had told my dear friend when describing it, "it was my type of movie." Basically, the movie hit me in all the right ways. It was very uplifting and inspiring, which is a reoccurring trait of mine. What I took away from the movie besides the great scenes that touched the romantic in me, was courage. I feel like I have been writing about courage a lot lately, or things that could use courage. Courage to seek out someone I like. Courage in situations that I fear. Courage to not falter in convictions about myself, to not forget my own self value.
Matt Damon's character talks towards the end of the movie about how it sometimes takes "20 seconds of insane courage" for something great to happen. He said that, I my mind instantly raced to my own life. I thought, "How many times have I been in a situation in which I needed courage, and I was inches from something great, something truly great, but failed to act? How many times did I choose to stay comfortable instead of testing the waters? How many times have I let my fears of outcomes dictate my decision to go for something truly wonderful? It may seem like no big deal in that moment of decision, but how different would things be for me if I had taken risks and been courageous a handful of times in the past.
This thought, and this movie came at the best time for me. Its amazing how things work like they do, but the past few weeks, I have been trying to take small, yet steady steps to being more courageous. Its funny to say it like that because courage has connotations of big, extravagant acts, like saving someone from a burning building. But for me, its on such a small scale, yet so important to me. These past weeks, I have been trying to face situations that call for courage head on, and sit in my discomfort, and in a way wait it out. Sometimes the situations aren't always comfortable, but I am finding, in little ways, that if take a small step of courage, I can get something good out of it.
I am going to continue taking these steps, and gradually do it on greater scales. I am sort of calling it my Courage Project. It is a personal thing, but I hope I can see results from it in aspects of my life like with people I want to be around, fears I have, and decisions I make. I feel positive about things to come from this project, and I think by giving it a name, though its not official, it will hold me accountable to it. More on this later for sure.
Kyle, my younger brother, has been patient, but his cabin fever reached a breaking point. He asked me to drive him into town so he could see friends. I had wanted to spend day with my family since my Mah was going back to work the next day, so we all rode together to hang with his friends. My Mah and I made some errands up to waste time until he was done, and afterwards, we all wanted to see a movie. We decided on We Bought a Zoo, which I was surprised everyone would want to see it. I know I had for a while.
The movie was every bit of what I had expected and hoped for. As I had told my dear friend when describing it, "it was my type of movie." Basically, the movie hit me in all the right ways. It was very uplifting and inspiring, which is a reoccurring trait of mine. What I took away from the movie besides the great scenes that touched the romantic in me, was courage. I feel like I have been writing about courage a lot lately, or things that could use courage. Courage to seek out someone I like. Courage in situations that I fear. Courage to not falter in convictions about myself, to not forget my own self value.
Matt Damon's character talks towards the end of the movie about how it sometimes takes "20 seconds of insane courage" for something great to happen. He said that, I my mind instantly raced to my own life. I thought, "How many times have I been in a situation in which I needed courage, and I was inches from something great, something truly great, but failed to act? How many times did I choose to stay comfortable instead of testing the waters? How many times have I let my fears of outcomes dictate my decision to go for something truly wonderful? It may seem like no big deal in that moment of decision, but how different would things be for me if I had taken risks and been courageous a handful of times in the past.
This thought, and this movie came at the best time for me. Its amazing how things work like they do, but the past few weeks, I have been trying to take small, yet steady steps to being more courageous. Its funny to say it like that because courage has connotations of big, extravagant acts, like saving someone from a burning building. But for me, its on such a small scale, yet so important to me. These past weeks, I have been trying to face situations that call for courage head on, and sit in my discomfort, and in a way wait it out. Sometimes the situations aren't always comfortable, but I am finding, in little ways, that if take a small step of courage, I can get something good out of it.
I am going to continue taking these steps, and gradually do it on greater scales. I am sort of calling it my Courage Project. It is a personal thing, but I hope I can see results from it in aspects of my life like with people I want to be around, fears I have, and decisions I make. I feel positive about things to come from this project, and I think by giving it a name, though its not official, it will hold me accountable to it. More on this later for sure.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Masterplan
Its interesting, life. In any given situation, you assume that things will play out exactly the way you expect it to. Yet, how often does life really happen like that? According to plan? Psh'aw! I can count on my hand the number of times life went according to plan in the past couple of years.
No, no, no. It does not work like that. Rather, life presents you with things that at first glance you shrug off, take for granted, or perhaps don't even notice. The things that get you going on the right path in life are usually subtle. Yet, its these little subtleties, that no matter how spontaneous, can really change things for you. They may be the littlest of things, but they can impact you in big ways.
Yesterday was rough for me, and I had something really bugging me, really eating at me and I wasn't in any mood to talk to anyone about it. I let the bugging persist, and I went to sleep without settling what was bugging me. This is always a bad idea for me, especially added to the fact that I did not get a good night's sleep last night. I woke up crabby as ever, in a worse mood than I was in the day before. But what woke me would alter the rest of my day, even though I didn't know it at the time.
I had no alarm set, and even though I am not the type to sleep in all morning, I definitely was not ready for what woke me. My dad had climbed the stairs to my room to wake me up, I am guessing because I hadn't seen him all week, thanks to work related travel (week of Christmas, I know!). I tend to curl up onto one side of the bed, leaving a good amount of the bed left unused, and he climbed right on top of my bed. He is such a goof ball and talked conversationally to me even though I acted still asleep. When I couldn't act asleep any longer, I made it clear I wasn't happy, naturally, because I wear my emotions on my sleeve (it sucks!). He could tell something was wrong, and asked me about what was up. I fought his kindness because I didn't want to be vulnerable and throw my problems on him, especially during Christmas. He persisted, and I finally gave in and told him exactly what was up, and why I was upset. I ended up having a really deep and emotional conversation with my dad, all while staying curled up in my sleeping position. It lasted a good 20 minutes, and after we were done, he made me breakfast. What a guy.
That was quite a story, but what I mean from it all is that it was something that presented me in a time that I wasn't expecting, in a context that I didn't expect, from something that presented itself as something less than significant, and to be honest, initially annoying. First glance, it was just any other moment. But what it turned out to do was push my day towards a better direction. It didn't fix everything, and I wasn't completely resolved on what as bugging me, but that was the turning point. From that point on, things were starting to change for the better, and I cannot help but thank my father for this little, probably meaningless act that he did. The little things people do are a big deal, and it all goes both ways. The little things I do, I may not realize, probably have an impact on others do, so I try to always do what I might otherwise take for granted.
This doesn't just apply to my situation this morning though. I reflected though on situations and people I met, that at first glance or first meeting, I think nothing more of than a kind person. But its this person I am thinking of, that has made a huge impact on my life. I meet this person, and for all I know, I assume this person and I may never speak again. We do, and each time, I assume this person becomes just an acquaintance. And yet, this person becomes a bigger influence on my life, an important person to me. Call it fate, call it what you will, but I cannot help but think that this person was put into my life for a reason, and though I can say this, I still don't know the reason yet.
It amazes me, the complexity of it, but I really believe in God's masterplan. I meet this person, and don't think twice about it, and they slowly make me realize their importance and significance to me. Its the same with moment's like today. Little things like my father waking me up and talking to me in a time of need can really alter the happenings of an entire day. Our days are numbered, so to me that is a huge deal.
Just my New Year's Eve Eve thoughts. Merry Christmas to us all!
No, no, no. It does not work like that. Rather, life presents you with things that at first glance you shrug off, take for granted, or perhaps don't even notice. The things that get you going on the right path in life are usually subtle. Yet, its these little subtleties, that no matter how spontaneous, can really change things for you. They may be the littlest of things, but they can impact you in big ways.
Yesterday was rough for me, and I had something really bugging me, really eating at me and I wasn't in any mood to talk to anyone about it. I let the bugging persist, and I went to sleep without settling what was bugging me. This is always a bad idea for me, especially added to the fact that I did not get a good night's sleep last night. I woke up crabby as ever, in a worse mood than I was in the day before. But what woke me would alter the rest of my day, even though I didn't know it at the time.
I had no alarm set, and even though I am not the type to sleep in all morning, I definitely was not ready for what woke me. My dad had climbed the stairs to my room to wake me up, I am guessing because I hadn't seen him all week, thanks to work related travel (week of Christmas, I know!). I tend to curl up onto one side of the bed, leaving a good amount of the bed left unused, and he climbed right on top of my bed. He is such a goof ball and talked conversationally to me even though I acted still asleep. When I couldn't act asleep any longer, I made it clear I wasn't happy, naturally, because I wear my emotions on my sleeve (it sucks!). He could tell something was wrong, and asked me about what was up. I fought his kindness because I didn't want to be vulnerable and throw my problems on him, especially during Christmas. He persisted, and I finally gave in and told him exactly what was up, and why I was upset. I ended up having a really deep and emotional conversation with my dad, all while staying curled up in my sleeping position. It lasted a good 20 minutes, and after we were done, he made me breakfast. What a guy.
That was quite a story, but what I mean from it all is that it was something that presented me in a time that I wasn't expecting, in a context that I didn't expect, from something that presented itself as something less than significant, and to be honest, initially annoying. First glance, it was just any other moment. But what it turned out to do was push my day towards a better direction. It didn't fix everything, and I wasn't completely resolved on what as bugging me, but that was the turning point. From that point on, things were starting to change for the better, and I cannot help but thank my father for this little, probably meaningless act that he did. The little things people do are a big deal, and it all goes both ways. The little things I do, I may not realize, probably have an impact on others do, so I try to always do what I might otherwise take for granted.
This doesn't just apply to my situation this morning though. I reflected though on situations and people I met, that at first glance or first meeting, I think nothing more of than a kind person. But its this person I am thinking of, that has made a huge impact on my life. I meet this person, and for all I know, I assume this person and I may never speak again. We do, and each time, I assume this person becomes just an acquaintance. And yet, this person becomes a bigger influence on my life, an important person to me. Call it fate, call it what you will, but I cannot help but think that this person was put into my life for a reason, and though I can say this, I still don't know the reason yet.
It amazes me, the complexity of it, but I really believe in God's masterplan. I meet this person, and don't think twice about it, and they slowly make me realize their importance and significance to me. Its the same with moment's like today. Little things like my father waking me up and talking to me in a time of need can really alter the happenings of an entire day. Our days are numbered, so to me that is a huge deal.
Just my New Year's Eve Eve thoughts. Merry Christmas to us all!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Fear
Today I was talking to a friend. I was telling him about situations in which I seem to either make stupid decisions, or I impede myself from making good decisions. Either way, either situation, I told him it is the fear I feel during the moment that causes me act this way. Looking back on moments like this, I realize how absurd or ridiculous the situation really is, but that is just it; I don't see this in the heat of the moment. In the heat of the moment, my fear or lack of confidence creeps in, and I allow it to take over. Where as I know I am strong and willed person, this feeling is strong within me and it really impairs me, making me feel weak in my actions.
As we talked, he mentioned that he knows how I feel. He said everyone has moments of seeming panic, in which they face things they wish they did not have to. He said in those moments, he personally tries to step out of himself, to notice the fear, and that by recognizing it, he feels greater than that fear, and able to overcome it. He said its tough, but for him it works.
This instantly made me think of Lost. Of course, Lost. He had never seen Lost, so I told him about this scene, in which the main character, Jack, tells of his interactions with fear. Jack is a spinal surgeon, and tells Kate, another passenger that landed on the island, about one of his first surgeries. Jack was very scared in the moment, and felt the pressure of this patient's life weigh him down. Just as the fear was rising in Jack, he said that he stopped, closed his eyes, and let the fear in, for only 5 seconds, and when he was done breathing and counting down, he would come back to reality, and do what he needed to do.
This scene from Lost, and my friends personal experiences with fear and confidence was exactly what I needed. Its amazing how scary a situation can be in the moment it hits you, but its important to remember that fear is going to happen. Its how I handle the situations that fear arises that is important. I can choose to wither in its midst, or I can choose to recognize it, and not allow it to take me over. It is all up to me. Allowing myself to "sit in my fear" or "let the fear in", metaphorically, will be hard, but with the right practice can benefit me in the long run.
St. Joseph, father of the Lord, be with me, give me the courage to face my fears, just as you did.
As we talked, he mentioned that he knows how I feel. He said everyone has moments of seeming panic, in which they face things they wish they did not have to. He said in those moments, he personally tries to step out of himself, to notice the fear, and that by recognizing it, he feels greater than that fear, and able to overcome it. He said its tough, but for him it works.
This instantly made me think of Lost. Of course, Lost. He had never seen Lost, so I told him about this scene, in which the main character, Jack, tells of his interactions with fear. Jack is a spinal surgeon, and tells Kate, another passenger that landed on the island, about one of his first surgeries. Jack was very scared in the moment, and felt the pressure of this patient's life weigh him down. Just as the fear was rising in Jack, he said that he stopped, closed his eyes, and let the fear in, for only 5 seconds, and when he was done breathing and counting down, he would come back to reality, and do what he needed to do.
This scene from Lost, and my friends personal experiences with fear and confidence was exactly what I needed. Its amazing how scary a situation can be in the moment it hits you, but its important to remember that fear is going to happen. Its how I handle the situations that fear arises that is important. I can choose to wither in its midst, or I can choose to recognize it, and not allow it to take me over. It is all up to me. Allowing myself to "sit in my fear" or "let the fear in", metaphorically, will be hard, but with the right practice can benefit me in the long run.
St. Joseph, father of the Lord, be with me, give me the courage to face my fears, just as you did.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Moments
Where to begin...
Today I had lunch with the girl I am interested in. We had been talking about how we had some things we both wanted to talk about, and seeing as how we hadn't seen each other at all over break, we met up for some lunch. As usual we talked with ease. After a while, she reminded me that I had promised to go first, and seeing as how my memory is still working, I went first.
The first thing I talked about is something I have been meaning to discuss with her for a while. The topic is nothing new to this blog, as I frequently write about it on here. Every other blog seems to be alluding in some way to this topic, and to those who do not know what I am discussing, it is just a vague "struggle" that I keep writing about. This girl and I have grown close this year, and I was sick of leaving her in the dark about it. Having said that, I was very nervous about talking about it, to say the least. I can count on one hand the number of people (excluding family) that I have told about this. It wasn't that I don't trust her to not judge me or anything, but I naturally worry about how people react to me, in any situation. This thing, I was about to tell her, is such a big deal, something I am not proud of, and something that at its core, is uneasy to talk about.
Though nervous, I told her. I got it off my chest. And the whole time I told her she seemed very calm. She listened intently, hearing everything I had to say, and made me feel like she understood deep down how I felt. That is one thing I like about her. She put me at ease, and when I was finished rambling off what I had to tell her, I felt relieved.
The moments after, I thought of how she would respond, what would she say? She told me something that stuck with me beyond lunch, that I didn't quite expect. She basically told me that even though this problem was the world to me, that even though it was a huge mountain to climb, I am not alone. She told me that even though its hard, I have to remember that everyone is going through something. The past is hard and does not change by simply knowing others are struggling, too. However, the shared struggle should comfort me in that I am not alone in this world. There are others to reach out to, that may not have been there exactly, but understand how I feel.
I felt so glad to have finally told her something I had meaning to for a long time. I have never really felt tense around this person, because she is so natural and easy to talk to, but after telling her this I felt like a tension or barrier was broken. I guess that it felt so good because it was a barrier I had never even noticed or felt before? Either way, I felt instantly closer to this person. Sometimes when you open yourself up and allow your vulnerabilities to show to others, you really get a stronger connection with them through it.
Needless to say, things were going well and the conversation continued. Eventually, the other thing we came to talk about came up. This was a little more "beat-around-the-bush-y", if that makes sense. Both of us were sort of waiting on the other to start, and I felt like we both were thinking the same thing...
To premise this, I wrote a blog post the day before Christmas break titled "The Nerve pt. 2". It mentioned a certain girl I like, and I used no names, as usual. This girl, of course, happens to follow my blog and read it. As we discussed days later about meeting up, she mentioned about how I had to tell her about some things in my blog that she was curious about. My girl translator was working that day, and I accurately read into that as, "You can tell the details of this girl anytime you want."
Anyways, back to the conversation at lunch. It was obvious I was the one that needed to come clean about all this. I told her the person I was mentioning in the blog was in fact her. This was no surprise to her, but something she had to hear from me to be certain. She responded by saying she liked me around the same time I liked her earlier this semester, even though, due to confusion, she and everyone else assumed that my best friend and I (you know who you are!) were an item of sorts. Its interesting because the same night that she mentioned talking to someone about me and my best friend as a "thing", I was talking to my best friend about how much I liked, was interested, and wanted to have the courage to talk to more!
She also told me that because of instances of nerves and "freak outs" as we call them, she really doesn't know where she is at right now with it all. Whether its how she sees other relationships from other people, or whether its nerves about the uncertainty of the future, she just doesn't know where she is at right now. She apologized for coming off as wishy-washy (which I continued to deny immediately).
Now, in any other time, at any other age, in any other context, I would have been crushed. But going into lunch, I didn't really know what to expect. I thought she had no thoughts of me other than a nice person, a good friend, a good guy. But to hear interest from her like I have in her was good, it was reassuring. It kind of allowed me to know where I stand, where as I otherwise didn't. I still don't know exactly where we are, but that is okay.
After she mentioned the future, and freak outs about it that she (don't we all?) has, I told her basically that the future will take care of itself. Plans after college do not define us, and graduation is not a finish line or the end of time for our friendship. It is a itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny stepping stone on the pathway of life. I didn't tell her this, but wish I had, but the things I like about her, is not because of what could be. Its because she is a good friend and natural to be around in any given moment. I am exactly the kind of person to over think things, and to worry about what has happened or what is to come. But I noticed today that I am focused on the now, the present, when around this person, and that is all that matters. Right now, in the present, we are both very content with where we are at in friendship, and though I like her a lot right now, I am completely happy with letting things happen and seeing where life takes us. This is something that is completely new to me, because I have always been invested in where I am headed, but this person, I am enjoying the moments and not taking more steps than I need to be at any given time.
Oh, before I wrap this amazingly long, 45 minute blog post up, I do remember her saying something along the lines of "You puzzle me. I can't quite figure you out." I cannot help but laugh at this. Am I really that puzzling?
Today I had lunch with the girl I am interested in. We had been talking about how we had some things we both wanted to talk about, and seeing as how we hadn't seen each other at all over break, we met up for some lunch. As usual we talked with ease. After a while, she reminded me that I had promised to go first, and seeing as how my memory is still working, I went first.
The first thing I talked about is something I have been meaning to discuss with her for a while. The topic is nothing new to this blog, as I frequently write about it on here. Every other blog seems to be alluding in some way to this topic, and to those who do not know what I am discussing, it is just a vague "struggle" that I keep writing about. This girl and I have grown close this year, and I was sick of leaving her in the dark about it. Having said that, I was very nervous about talking about it, to say the least. I can count on one hand the number of people (excluding family) that I have told about this. It wasn't that I don't trust her to not judge me or anything, but I naturally worry about how people react to me, in any situation. This thing, I was about to tell her, is such a big deal, something I am not proud of, and something that at its core, is uneasy to talk about.
Though nervous, I told her. I got it off my chest. And the whole time I told her she seemed very calm. She listened intently, hearing everything I had to say, and made me feel like she understood deep down how I felt. That is one thing I like about her. She put me at ease, and when I was finished rambling off what I had to tell her, I felt relieved.
The moments after, I thought of how she would respond, what would she say? She told me something that stuck with me beyond lunch, that I didn't quite expect. She basically told me that even though this problem was the world to me, that even though it was a huge mountain to climb, I am not alone. She told me that even though its hard, I have to remember that everyone is going through something. The past is hard and does not change by simply knowing others are struggling, too. However, the shared struggle should comfort me in that I am not alone in this world. There are others to reach out to, that may not have been there exactly, but understand how I feel.
I felt so glad to have finally told her something I had meaning to for a long time. I have never really felt tense around this person, because she is so natural and easy to talk to, but after telling her this I felt like a tension or barrier was broken. I guess that it felt so good because it was a barrier I had never even noticed or felt before? Either way, I felt instantly closer to this person. Sometimes when you open yourself up and allow your vulnerabilities to show to others, you really get a stronger connection with them through it.
Needless to say, things were going well and the conversation continued. Eventually, the other thing we came to talk about came up. This was a little more "beat-around-the-bush-y", if that makes sense. Both of us were sort of waiting on the other to start, and I felt like we both were thinking the same thing...
To premise this, I wrote a blog post the day before Christmas break titled "The Nerve pt. 2". It mentioned a certain girl I like, and I used no names, as usual. This girl, of course, happens to follow my blog and read it. As we discussed days later about meeting up, she mentioned about how I had to tell her about some things in my blog that she was curious about. My girl translator was working that day, and I accurately read into that as, "You can tell the details of this girl anytime you want."
Anyways, back to the conversation at lunch. It was obvious I was the one that needed to come clean about all this. I told her the person I was mentioning in the blog was in fact her. This was no surprise to her, but something she had to hear from me to be certain. She responded by saying she liked me around the same time I liked her earlier this semester, even though, due to confusion, she and everyone else assumed that my best friend and I (you know who you are!) were an item of sorts. Its interesting because the same night that she mentioned talking to someone about me and my best friend as a "thing", I was talking to my best friend about how much I liked, was interested, and wanted to have the courage to talk to more!
She also told me that because of instances of nerves and "freak outs" as we call them, she really doesn't know where she is at right now with it all. Whether its how she sees other relationships from other people, or whether its nerves about the uncertainty of the future, she just doesn't know where she is at right now. She apologized for coming off as wishy-washy (which I continued to deny immediately).
Now, in any other time, at any other age, in any other context, I would have been crushed. But going into lunch, I didn't really know what to expect. I thought she had no thoughts of me other than a nice person, a good friend, a good guy. But to hear interest from her like I have in her was good, it was reassuring. It kind of allowed me to know where I stand, where as I otherwise didn't. I still don't know exactly where we are, but that is okay.
After she mentioned the future, and freak outs about it that she (don't we all?) has, I told her basically that the future will take care of itself. Plans after college do not define us, and graduation is not a finish line or the end of time for our friendship. It is a itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny stepping stone on the pathway of life. I didn't tell her this, but wish I had, but the things I like about her, is not because of what could be. Its because she is a good friend and natural to be around in any given moment. I am exactly the kind of person to over think things, and to worry about what has happened or what is to come. But I noticed today that I am focused on the now, the present, when around this person, and that is all that matters. Right now, in the present, we are both very content with where we are at in friendship, and though I like her a lot right now, I am completely happy with letting things happen and seeing where life takes us. This is something that is completely new to me, because I have always been invested in where I am headed, but this person, I am enjoying the moments and not taking more steps than I need to be at any given time.
Oh, before I wrap this amazingly long, 45 minute blog post up, I do remember her saying something along the lines of "You puzzle me. I can't quite figure you out." I cannot help but laugh at this. Am I really that puzzling?
Saturday, December 17, 2011
For My Friend
Just today, my friend told me was experiencing drama with his girlfriend. She wasn't as happy with her grades this semester, and seeing as how my friend started dating her this semester, she, being upset, thinks its because of my friends influence. My friend told me he was upset because he doesn't think he has that much influence on her academically, and he also feels like he has been doing a lot better in school this past year. He has always felt pressure, like she would get sick of dating someone "under her level".
Today, they talked on the phone, and he said he could tell things were bad. I talked to him after he got off the phone, and things were not well. He was really sad. He told me that he thinks she will probably dump him tonight. The tone of his voice was one that was abnormally shaken, and lacking in its normal confidence.
Luckily, I am spending the day with him. But I feel like I could be doing more to help him. I came up with ideas of things to do, places to go, but he said he just wants to chill and stay in. Today is his day, and naturally, I am going to do whatever he feels like. I just want to more, I desire to do anything I can for him.
I guess where I am going with this is that sometimes there is nothing I can do, nothing any of us can do. This is life and its in God's hands. What I can do though is be here for him, pray, and think of my friend. God has to take care of all the rest.
God,
As you know, there is strength in numbers. Equip me with the Holy Spirit, all your angels and saints, so that I may be suitable to comfort to my friend. May he know that he has worth, that he is better than the little problems he faces these days. May he take comfort in knowing that there is so much more life than fleeting happiness. There is joy, and joy, not happiness comes through you alone. May he realize this, and turn to you in this time of need.
Amen.
Today, they talked on the phone, and he said he could tell things were bad. I talked to him after he got off the phone, and things were not well. He was really sad. He told me that he thinks she will probably dump him tonight. The tone of his voice was one that was abnormally shaken, and lacking in its normal confidence.
Luckily, I am spending the day with him. But I feel like I could be doing more to help him. I came up with ideas of things to do, places to go, but he said he just wants to chill and stay in. Today is his day, and naturally, I am going to do whatever he feels like. I just want to more, I desire to do anything I can for him.
I guess where I am going with this is that sometimes there is nothing I can do, nothing any of us can do. This is life and its in God's hands. What I can do though is be here for him, pray, and think of my friend. God has to take care of all the rest.
God,
As you know, there is strength in numbers. Equip me with the Holy Spirit, all your angels and saints, so that I may be suitable to comfort to my friend. May he know that he has worth, that he is better than the little problems he faces these days. May he take comfort in knowing that there is so much more life than fleeting happiness. There is joy, and joy, not happiness comes through you alone. May he realize this, and turn to you in this time of need.
Amen.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Hope
Hope is something I hold onto daily. Its my favorite virtue, and I think it always has been. The Holman Bible Dictionary says that hope is "the confidence that what God has done for us in the past guarantees our participation in what God will do in the future."This is so very true. I couldn't think of a better way to describe it.
I do all my best thinking in the car, and something I thought about in the 45 minute car ride home was hope. More specifically, things that give me hope. I thought of it because on my way into town this morning, I witnessed something that gave me hope, in things to come, in other people. A woman had pulled over on the side of the road, her car in smoke. She was probably 10 or so cars in front of me, and I didn't notice this until I saw something that made me believe in other people, in hope for us all. As the multitude of seemingly angry, rushed drivers on their way to work flew past her, a sedan pulled behind her. A man got out, and helped the woman out. He was in a suit, so my guess is he was on to work as well, and had "better" things to do. But he still stopped and I could tell he was offering any help he could. I continued on, but witnessing that act got me thinking of hope, today.
Specifically, I thought of what gives me hope. I knew that I would eventually blog about this, and I decided, since I am in a listing mood, I will list the things fresh in my mind that give me hope every day.
1. People offering random acts of kindness to other strangers, especially when they truly go out of their way to do so.
2. The never failing act of forgiveness.
3. Unconditional love of a parent, of a brother, a sister, a friend, no matter the situation.
4. The little conversations with a girl that I am interested in, that seem to make my day.
5. Seeing a loved one excel at something they truly love.
6. Witnessing relationships around me that are built upon what is important, instead of what is common in relationships these days.
7. Humility in the midst of arrogance.
8. People who have no reason to believe, who have overstretched every muscle of faith they have, and yet continue to have unflinching faith.
These are just a few things that give me hope every day. Hope for good things to come. Hope for a brighter tomorrow.
I end this with a quote about hope from one of my favorite movies, A Knight's Tale. It is simple, but its really beautiful in the context of the movie.
"Hope guides me, it is what gets me through the day and especially the night."
I pray that we all can let hope guide us through our days and nights.
I do all my best thinking in the car, and something I thought about in the 45 minute car ride home was hope. More specifically, things that give me hope. I thought of it because on my way into town this morning, I witnessed something that gave me hope, in things to come, in other people. A woman had pulled over on the side of the road, her car in smoke. She was probably 10 or so cars in front of me, and I didn't notice this until I saw something that made me believe in other people, in hope for us all. As the multitude of seemingly angry, rushed drivers on their way to work flew past her, a sedan pulled behind her. A man got out, and helped the woman out. He was in a suit, so my guess is he was on to work as well, and had "better" things to do. But he still stopped and I could tell he was offering any help he could. I continued on, but witnessing that act got me thinking of hope, today.
Specifically, I thought of what gives me hope. I knew that I would eventually blog about this, and I decided, since I am in a listing mood, I will list the things fresh in my mind that give me hope every day.
1. People offering random acts of kindness to other strangers, especially when they truly go out of their way to do so.
2. The never failing act of forgiveness.
3. Unconditional love of a parent, of a brother, a sister, a friend, no matter the situation.
4. The little conversations with a girl that I am interested in, that seem to make my day.
5. Seeing a loved one excel at something they truly love.
6. Witnessing relationships around me that are built upon what is important, instead of what is common in relationships these days.
7. Humility in the midst of arrogance.
8. People who have no reason to believe, who have overstretched every muscle of faith they have, and yet continue to have unflinching faith.
These are just a few things that give me hope every day. Hope for good things to come. Hope for a brighter tomorrow.
I end this with a quote about hope from one of my favorite movies, A Knight's Tale. It is simple, but its really beautiful in the context of the movie.
"Hope guides me, it is what gets me through the day and especially the night."
I pray that we all can let hope guide us through our days and nights.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Driving
Being home is tough.
The change in environments is making it easy for me to fall back to old habits, to regress from progress I feel I have made. I don't want to go back to how things used to be, but since I have been home (a whopping four days, so far), I feel a lot of the concerns I used to have and am constantly struggling with the things I have been struggling with the past couple of years.
Maybe its due to the free, idle time I have. I am not bombarded with miscellaneous school related tasks that I was mere days ago. If you ask anyone, I am one to have a hard time relaxing and really enjoying time off. I am the type to get antsy if I am not doing something productive. I am also not constantly around the friends I love so dearly, the ones that I am so used to walking 5 minutes to see. I am grateful for my family that I miss, don't get me wrong. But we are all doing our own thing, its the holidays you know, and its all a little hectic at my home.
Having said all this, I am left to resort to old struggles. I feel I am doing okay managing these struggles, but I am still confronted with them daily, and its nothing that I am overly happy about. These daily encounters, with enough excess, tend to pile up and over time can get me down. I gotta stay positive, because that's what I know how to do, but I get mixed results.
I was thinking in the car today, on the drive home from an errand, that maybe, I should be focusing on actively, and I mean actively times 100, reminding myself of a few things daily. While driving, I made this list, on the notepad of my mind:
The change in environments is making it easy for me to fall back to old habits, to regress from progress I feel I have made. I don't want to go back to how things used to be, but since I have been home (a whopping four days, so far), I feel a lot of the concerns I used to have and am constantly struggling with the things I have been struggling with the past couple of years.
Maybe its due to the free, idle time I have. I am not bombarded with miscellaneous school related tasks that I was mere days ago. If you ask anyone, I am one to have a hard time relaxing and really enjoying time off. I am the type to get antsy if I am not doing something productive. I am also not constantly around the friends I love so dearly, the ones that I am so used to walking 5 minutes to see. I am grateful for my family that I miss, don't get me wrong. But we are all doing our own thing, its the holidays you know, and its all a little hectic at my home.
Having said all this, I am left to resort to old struggles. I feel I am doing okay managing these struggles, but I am still confronted with them daily, and its nothing that I am overly happy about. These daily encounters, with enough excess, tend to pile up and over time can get me down. I gotta stay positive, because that's what I know how to do, but I get mixed results.
I was thinking in the car today, on the drive home from an errand, that maybe, I should be focusing on actively, and I mean actively times 100, reminding myself of a few things daily. While driving, I made this list, on the notepad of my mind:
1. Acknowledge what you value in others, in loved ones, in friends, in others.
Think about it daily, focusing one person at a time.
When done, remind myself to hold myself to those values.
Just as I hold all my people, friends or strangers, to the same standard,
so should I hold myself to that standard.
It is in this way that I value, love, and see myself the way my peers and my family do.
2. Remind myself that there is more inside of me than skin and bones.
Like a transformer, there is more to me than meets the eye.
Remind myself that though my physicality is what is seen,
there is a whole world of person and whole lot more to me, to Nikko, that lies beneath it all.
3. Remind myself to get out of myself daily.
This one is tough for me.
Being a naturally reflective person, I am constantly thinking
and connected with my feelings.
But by "getting out of myself," and putting my energy towards
something else, or even better someone else,
that is energy better spent.
It is a more rewarding way to spend my time, too.
I think if I can really work hard to remind myself of these things daily, I can work to not let myself fall back to old habits, to old ways of thinking, especially habits and ways that I cannot afford to fall back to. Its really tough to do, but if it was easy it wouldn't be a struggle, and its all about the journey, not the destination.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Caspar David Friedrich
This is all I have been doing all day. Looking at these three fantastic paintings by Friedrich. They have so much to say.
Friday, December 9, 2011
When I Was A Youngster
Yet another song and musician that my brother Kyle has introduced me to. I absolutely love it. Great music, but the song itself has a resounding message I can relate to. The song is called "When I Was A Youngster" by Rizzle Kicks.
The song talks about being young and having big dreams, but growing up to have those dreams and ambitions dwindle, naturally. I don't always feel this way, but I am guilty of this feeling at times. I have told my closest friends before that I sometimes wish I could be a stay a husband. I sometimes want to make a career out of social justice and service. My dreams of being an athlete, a rock star, something big, have been dilute naturally as I have grown. I don't feel sad about it, because I think it is natural, but its just something to think about.
Granted, a lot of these feelings come out typically during the hardest stretch of the semester, and now the semester is over, I do not feel it, but it is all the same.
Oh by the way, I also love this song because Kyle says he could see me doing the dances that these guys do in the video. That made me happy. Me and my dance moves...
The song talks about being young and having big dreams, but growing up to have those dreams and ambitions dwindle, naturally. I don't always feel this way, but I am guilty of this feeling at times. I have told my closest friends before that I sometimes wish I could be a stay a husband. I sometimes want to make a career out of social justice and service. My dreams of being an athlete, a rock star, something big, have been dilute naturally as I have grown. I don't feel sad about it, because I think it is natural, but its just something to think about.
Granted, a lot of these feelings come out typically during the hardest stretch of the semester, and now the semester is over, I do not feel it, but it is all the same.
Oh by the way, I also love this song because Kyle says he could see me doing the dances that these guys do in the video. That made me happy. Me and my dance moves...
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Nerve pt. 2
I generally feel like a brave person. I am not scared by much, with the exception of spiders of any kind and the thought of being buried alive.
But with some things, very specifically, I feel like I could use some liquid courage. I feel like the cowardly lion. Specifically, I get nervous around the person I like. I sometimes wonder if anyone else gets this way around the special person in their life. The person they think of in the cracks of idle time throughout the day. The person I strive to be better for. I am not a bad person, but I constantly try and be the best I can be around this person, in hopes that she will notice. In hopes that I can as amazing a person as she is.
These nerves I feel around her, and giddyness I feel around her inhibits me in a way. I somehow hold myself back in this process, and I don't know why. Sometimes I have the urge to say some things are "go-for" little spontaneous things to reach out to her and show her how I feel. But my pre-conceived notions that I have in my mind hold me back. I so badly want to grab her hand, or say something sweeter than a friend would say, or just tell her how I feel. But I keep myself from these situations that I want to be in, from doing the things I want to do, from getting to closer to this person. Its almost like I see myself doing the things that a better, more courageous me, would do. Not a better me (I know I am okay), but you know what I mean.
I think about this and I wonder how I can think of this person so highly and think of them a lot and somehow not have the nerve to "go for" it sometimes. Maybe its best I don't at times, because maybe my inhibitions are right, but I cannot help but question sometimes. Its just my nature. I need to work on being spontaneous, and allowing things to happen. But more importantly, I think, that I need to believe in myself and believe that some other human can find me attractive and find me as interesting as I find them. I need to believe that another person can see the value and see the good things in me that I so often overlook in myself. That is what I need.
If I only had the nerve...
But with some things, very specifically, I feel like I could use some liquid courage. I feel like the cowardly lion. Specifically, I get nervous around the person I like. I sometimes wonder if anyone else gets this way around the special person in their life. The person they think of in the cracks of idle time throughout the day. The person I strive to be better for. I am not a bad person, but I constantly try and be the best I can be around this person, in hopes that she will notice. In hopes that I can as amazing a person as she is.
These nerves I feel around her, and giddyness I feel around her inhibits me in a way. I somehow hold myself back in this process, and I don't know why. Sometimes I have the urge to say some things are "go-for" little spontaneous things to reach out to her and show her how I feel. But my pre-conceived notions that I have in my mind hold me back. I so badly want to grab her hand, or say something sweeter than a friend would say, or just tell her how I feel. But I keep myself from these situations that I want to be in, from doing the things I want to do, from getting to closer to this person. Its almost like I see myself doing the things that a better, more courageous me, would do. Not a better me (I know I am okay), but you know what I mean.
I think about this and I wonder how I can think of this person so highly and think of them a lot and somehow not have the nerve to "go for" it sometimes. Maybe its best I don't at times, because maybe my inhibitions are right, but I cannot help but question sometimes. Its just my nature. I need to work on being spontaneous, and allowing things to happen. But more importantly, I think, that I need to believe in myself and believe that some other human can find me attractive and find me as interesting as I find them. I need to believe that another person can see the value and see the good things in me that I so often overlook in myself. That is what I need.
If I only had the nerve...
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