Moments

Where to begin...

Today I had lunch with the girl I am interested in. We had been talking about how we had some things we both wanted to talk about, and seeing as how we hadn't seen each other at all over break, we met up for some lunch. As usual we talked with ease. After a while, she reminded me that I had promised to go first, and seeing as how my memory is still working, I went first.

The first thing I talked about is something I have been meaning to discuss with her for a while. The topic is nothing new to this blog, as I frequently write about it on here. Every other blog seems to be alluding in some way to this topic, and to those who do not know what I am discussing, it is just a vague "struggle" that I keep writing about. This girl and I have grown close this year, and I was sick of leaving her in the dark about it. Having said that, I was very nervous about talking about it, to say the least. I can count on one hand the number of people (excluding family) that I have told about this. It wasn't that I don't trust her to not judge me or anything, but I naturally worry about how people react to me, in any situation. This thing, I was about to tell her, is such a big deal, something I am not proud of, and something that at its core, is uneasy to talk about.

Though nervous, I told her. I got it off my chest. And the whole time I told her she seemed very calm. She listened intently, hearing everything I had to say, and made me feel like she understood deep down how I felt. That is one thing I like about her. She put me at ease, and when I was finished rambling off what I had to tell her, I felt relieved.

The moments after, I thought of how she would respond, what would she say? She told me something that stuck with me beyond lunch, that I didn't quite expect. She basically told me that even though this problem was the world to me, that even though it was a huge mountain to climb, I am not alone. She told me that even though its hard, I have to remember that everyone is going through something. The past is hard and does not change by simply knowing others are struggling, too. However, the shared struggle should comfort me in that I am not alone in this world. There are others to reach out to, that may not have been there exactly, but understand how I feel.

I felt so glad to have finally told her something I had meaning to for a long time. I have never really felt tense around this person, because she is so natural and easy to talk to, but after telling her this I felt like a tension or barrier was broken. I guess that it felt so good because it was a barrier I had never even noticed or felt before? Either way, I felt instantly closer to this person. Sometimes when you open yourself up and allow your vulnerabilities to show to others, you really get a stronger connection with them through it.

Needless to say, things were going well and the conversation continued. Eventually, the other thing we came to talk about came up. This was a little more "beat-around-the-bush-y", if that makes sense. Both of us were sort of waiting on the other to start, and I felt like we both were thinking the same thing...

To premise this, I wrote a blog post the day before Christmas break titled "The Nerve pt. 2". It mentioned a certain girl I like, and I used no names, as usual. This girl, of course, happens to follow my blog and read it. As we discussed days later about meeting up, she mentioned about how I had to tell her about some things in my blog that she was curious about. My girl translator was working that day, and I accurately read into that as, "You can tell the details of this girl anytime you want."

Anyways, back to the conversation at lunch. It was obvious I was the one that needed to come clean about all this. I told her the person I was mentioning in the blog was in fact her. This was no surprise to her, but something she had to hear from me to be certain. She responded by saying she liked me around the same time I liked her earlier this semester, even though, due to confusion, she and everyone else assumed that my best friend and I (you know who you are!) were an item of sorts. Its interesting because the same night that she mentioned talking to someone about me and my best friend as a "thing", I was talking to my best friend about how much I liked, was interested, and wanted to have the courage to talk to more!

She also told me that because of instances of nerves and "freak outs" as we call them, she really doesn't know where she is at right now with it all. Whether its how she sees other relationships from other people, or whether its nerves about the uncertainty of the future, she just doesn't know where she is at right now. She apologized for coming off as wishy-washy (which I continued to deny immediately).

Now, in any other time, at any other age, in any other context, I would have been crushed. But going into lunch, I didn't really know what to expect. I thought she had no thoughts of me other than a nice person, a good friend, a good guy. But to hear interest from her like I have in her was good, it was reassuring. It kind of allowed me to know where I stand, where as I otherwise didn't. I still don't know exactly where we are, but that is okay.

After she mentioned the future, and freak outs about it that she (don't we all?) has, I told her basically that the future will take care of itself. Plans after college do not define us, and graduation is not a finish line or the end of time for our friendship. It is a itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny stepping stone on the pathway of life. I didn't tell her this, but wish I had, but the things I like about her, is not because of what could be. Its because she is a good friend and natural to be around in any given moment. I am exactly the kind of person to over think things, and to worry about what has happened or what is to come. But I noticed today that I am focused on the now, the present, when around this person, and that is all that matters. Right now, in the present, we are both very content with where we are at in friendship, and though I like her a lot right now, I am completely happy with letting things happen and seeing where life takes us. This is something that is completely new to me, because I have always been invested in where I am headed, but this person, I am enjoying the moments and not taking more steps than I need to be at any given time.

Oh, before I wrap this amazingly long, 45 minute blog post up, I do remember her saying something along the lines of "You puzzle me. I can't quite figure you out." I cannot help but laugh at this. Am I really that puzzling?