I Wish

That I didn't have to walk around with extra baggage, every single day.
I wish that I could live normally, like everyone else. I wish I did not have to think about this the way I do.
I know for certain that others do not even think twice about this, and if they do, they don't let it affect them for more than a moment.
I wish I was free, free from the guilt I feel daily, multiple times a day. The littlest things strike this feeling in me. Feelings of regret come up in me that in others would never. Why must I go through this, why must I be tied down.
I imagine a day in which I never think of this the same way anymore. The day that I can think straight, and be normal, and it is so unimaginable. It's like a heaven on earth for me. I used to live this way, before this all started, before my struggles, but now I can't even remember how it is to live like that. I so greatly want to go back to that, to live like my friends and family do, and feel good about it and myself.
Instead, I feel stuck in this way of living, and even worse, it doesn't really make me feel better about myself.
Its like this endless cycle that I cannot break free from. My self-esteem and lack of self-love causes me to see my self in a negative way, and that in turn causes me to feed this way of thinking, which ultimately works against me in that I feel worse and worse about my image, and my self-love takes a dip because of this.
I wish I didn't have to go through this.
But I am, and right now, all I can do is sit in it. Sit in it, and be patient. Patience and prayer. And hope. Hope is what I am living for.

Letter to Kyle

This is for my brother.
He is going through a stage that I am all too familiar with. He is on the opposite end of past mistakes, and looking back on them.
He is struggling to forgive himself, despite other people's clear love for him and forgiveness of what he has done. He acted in a way that many boys our age do, and I cannot blame him. We all did, and some still do. It is no big deal in my eyes.
What I wish he understood was that, just because he has made mistakes, he is not a bad person. As mature as he feels, he has little experience in life. Experience comes with making mistakes, and learning from them. Nothing he did were malicious in any way. That is what makes him a good person. Even good people sometimes do malicious things when driven to, but even in this scenario he did not.
Kyle, you are a good boy. When I hear you so upset over things that you have done, things that you wish you hadn't, things that you feel like are coming back to bite you in the butt, I understand how you feel. Its that guilty feeling in the pit of your stomach. Its the yearning for a rewind button. I get it. But we all make mistakes. Among other things, it is one of the driving characteristics of each of us as humans. Even the Lord's own son Jesus was human and made mistakes early in life. It is what we do.
But when you talk about yourself in a way that concerns yourself over good and bad people, all I can think of is how I imagine a parent to think like. I am your brother, not your dad, but hear me out. I picture you as the young boy that I grew up "taking care of", specifically with the pictures I had added below. Those pictures are the epitome of innocence, and though you may be older than some of them, your good nature, your heart, your genuine care for others, some of the best things about you, my brother, still resonates from you today.
I hope you know the importance of forgiveness, but also forgiving yourself. It is something I struggle with myself, but in order to move on in life and learn from our mistakes, we have to accept our regrettable actions as precisely what they are... regrettable. No matter the degree of regret an act may cause you, you are always a good person. You are always the good-natured little brother I know and love. I love you. Love yourself, too.

Tongue of Fire

For the longest time, I have been looking for love. Its a recurring theme of this blog, because I am a hopeless romantic, who has a seemingly hard time finding what I am looking for. But much thinking, thanks to nice down time on spring break, has given me time to compress some thoughts.

I think that for me, this life, for the foreseeable future is going to be about connected with my own loving nature. I mean this in the sense of appreciating my own love that I can offer the greatest amount of other children of God, as opposed to "who can I be in an intimate, one on one, relationship with?" Some people are perfect for that. Maybe I am not. This isn't to say that if that form of love was presented to me, that I wouldn't accept it fully. Heck, for all I know, this kind of love could be right in front of me, and I just don't know how to see it yet. But what I mean is that instead of falling in love and taking from someone else (not that its a symbiotic relationship), I may be called to give off my love. Give, not receive.

This life on earth, as sensory and physically pleasurable as it may be in nature, is short in the long run, and is very much dated. My days are numbered on this earth, and it is an imperfect world. There is so much that I can get out of this world, if I really try and force things to happen that way. But what can I give? I want to fall in love someday, I really do, but for now, I think I am content with something else. I want others to fall in love with Him, like I have, through my actions and loving nature.

Being Catholic, we always talk about striving to be saints. I think this discussion of love can relate here. I think all the saints, in some way, let go of themselves. They let go of who they are, so that they could do the most they could for others. If they held onto their comfort, and what they are getting out of situations, I think they would not have been able to do the holy things they did for others. This is how I would like to learn to be. Sainthood is a lifelong process, and its a lifestyle that is hardly ever mastered, I assume. But I want to give of myself. Every heart beat, breath I take, every step I take, I want it to be for Him. And not just for Him, but for anyone loved by him. Which is everyone. I want to be satisfied with the bare necessities, eating, sleeping, a safe abode to live in, and the interactions and relationships of people I love, and are important to me. Other wise, I want to show as much love as I can, and put all my energy towards God's children, especially those that are going unnoticed in today's world.

This life is short, and I only have a certain amount of time to do these things. I can rest easy one day in heaven, when I am reunited with Him. But until then, I am his vessel of love, I am his son, I am called to help those in need. I am so blessed daily, and with this blessing comes responsibility. I pray I am strong enough to continue this way of thinking and to have courage when the time comes for me to make a leap of faith and go do the work I want to do.

Another Kind of Love

I am a life-long and loyal Catholic. I was born into this belief system, I was raised under the Catholic church traditions, and it is what shapes my life to this day. I am in love with my faith, it inspires and invigorates me. It drives me to be a good person, to go above and beyond what is expected, what is the minimum requirements for decency today.

But do not get me wrong. One of my biggest long term goals in life is to gradually gain a greater understanding of people's religious beliefs, and share in their experiences. I want to travel the world, and not only share the fire burning strong in my heart for the love of God and connection I feel, but to also feel the same fire burning inside others, of different and various faiths.

I find faith in general beautiful. It is my favorite thing that distinguishes humans from other animals. Among other functions, humans can form their own beliefs about a God figure. Though I feel confident in the accuracy of my faith, I have so much respect for people of different faiths, even if they contradict my own. Its the mere belief, the faith and hope they have and feed into their religion that is so admirable. Its this feeling that drives me, and drives others, and this pursuit of understanding is so strong within me, I cannot help but describe it as another form of love. There are only three of these loves of my life, that I can firmly identify. I am in love with God, I will some day be in love with the special someone, and I am in love with the universality of religion, and the human belief in God. The concept of it surrounds me and makes who I am, and I am at this point gushing. But this gives me passion unlike no other, besides God and the future love of my human, physical, life.

I pray that we all feel a sense of understanding for other faiths, even if it is not on my level. I pray we can grow in peace together, though separate in our beliefs, we are connected by our desire to know and understand things greater than us. He is greater than us, and he alone can bring us the peace to understand each other. We just have to open ourselves up to his love.

Passing

Today, another kid my age passed away.

It is a little ridiculous. Two friends of friends have passed away this month. Both were young men who had not yet experienced all the great things life can offer. Both were taken from this world, in their own way, much earlier than any of us are used to, and who any of us want for them.
I didn't know either of them well, though I went to high school with one of them, but I feel such a great sadness for them and their families right now. They were in the prime of their youth, with life ahead of them, and now they are gone.

But at the same time, the fact that I am not close to them, allows me another perspective on their passing. While so many close to Scott and Kevin are in serious mourning right now, I feel like God only allows things like this to happen when it is best. To us, death is the end of life, a life on this earth. It is a very sad thing, because we will never experience anything with that person again. But to God, death is the beginning of Eternal life with Christ Jesus.

Furthermore, I not only think God allows these things to happen, but I feel like God may call for their joining him in heaven. Like he almost needs them, and his meeting with them cannot wait any longer. This is just an idea, but maybe this material, Earthly life is just a chance for us to do a little good here, among our fellow man, until God can no longer go without your presence in heaven. When the time comes, death may come upon us, and we shouldn't necessarily think of it as an end. It is a beginning. A beginning of something we cannot as humans comprehend.

I apologize if it is a little early to ponder these things, and I do not mean to be insensitive to those deeply mourning their losses. We are humans, and just because God may be calling for them in heaven, doesn't make it any easier for us to say goodbye to them. That doesn't have to change, if it ever could. But I pray that those who are hurt the most by the losses of these two great guys take comfort in knowing that God could no longer delay their role in heaven any longer. They are truly in a better place right now, as hard as it is for us to let them go.

I also pray that each of us, but me especially, can learn to appreciate life here on Earth while we can. I feel so careless in the way I treat myself physically, like I am walking a thin line of non-gratitude for what God has given me. I cannot help but feel ashamed of how I spend my time on this earth and how I treat myself, when someone like Kevin or Scott, are no longer with us here. How ungrateful am I? I of course am grateful, but I just am not acting much like it right now. Its times like these that you really remember what is important, and gives you a better perspective on life.

For these things I pray, Lord, God Almighty.

Ashamed

UNESCO stands for the United Nations Educational, Science and Cultural Organization, and according to their website, their mission is "to contribute to the building of peace, the eradication of poverty, sustainable development and intercultural dialogue through education, the sciences, culture, communication and information." This group is admirable in its works, and should garnish our support. However, if you haven't heard in the news already, the United States has pulled funding from UNESCO. Now why would we do that, as the world's most prosperous nation?

Apparently, the president and higher government has enacted this because the UN disagrees with us on a matter between Israel and Palestine. The UN supports Palestine's proposition for their own separate nation from the Israelites, and because the United States are so politically intertwined with Israel, we decided we must punish the UN. We recognize that UNESCO does great things for so many people around the world, but its a matter of principle, darn it, and we have to make a point to the UN, that we will not stand by there stance.

I don't get mad or angry often. My blood pressure remains pretty level, unless I am flying or under certain physical strains throughout the day. But hearing this really makes my blood boil. I really want to apologize in advance for my swearing in this next sentence, and I do not take the Lord's name in vain often, but hear me out. Hearing all this news about UNESCO, all I can think to say is, "These are human beings, goddammit!" We are fucking with the lives of so many people in need, around the world, especially in the so-called "third world." These are people. They have two lungs and heart, all fighting to breathe and beat, just like the rest of us. They aren't as well off as us, but they have the same needs as any of us do. Representative Robert Wexler, of Florida, is quoted as saying "the American government's hands are tied, here." The leaders of UNESCO, he goes on to say, should have thought of the consequences of their actions in supporting Palestine.

Yes, UNESCO should have considered their consequence. Are you kidding me? These are human beings who we are choosing to not help as Americans, the people of promise and good fortune, the people who are better off. This is not the only thing that upsets me. It is just the tip of the iceberg for me. It highlights a greater problem: to us first-worlders, the lives of the third-world is about as valuable to us a common housefly. What is wrong with that? There is no greater injustice in this world than to have the means to help those who do not, and choose to do nothing.

A better man once said, "Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” That good man was Jesus, of course, and not Robert Wexler. We are all the same anatomically, but even more importantly, we are all equally human and equally created in the image of God. So why are we not treating those among us, though far away, like we are their brothers and sisters of a single, loving creator?

I for one refuse to stand by, much longer, and do nothing, while people go hungry, tired, needing relief, in so many different ways. Shame on you, US government, for pulling funding, just because your closest ally in the Middle East is caught up in a multi-decade argument over land. Shame on you, for deeming the political future with Israel more important than the support of people who direly need it from us. We are the world's most prosperous country, and we are actively choosing to end this support. I am American, and today, I am ashamed.

Third-world children, 

Please know that the choices of my government does not reflect my feelings towards you, at all. I am so sorry they cannot see what I see in you. I will be there soon. I am praying for you every day, praying you stay safe until I can come help you. Keep pushing on.


I love you,


Nikko

Patience

So many times I am impatient with my answer to "where I am right now?" I get so impatient with the menial tasks I have to do while at college each day. The classes I am taking to get my degree have become really uninteresting and not stimulating. They have become a means to end, and its frustrating.

I have such big ideas and plans, and all I want to do is get to them, skip the unimportant stuff, and make a difference.  Why do I have to take this stupid class, write this dumb essay, spend hundreds of hours in the library for what feels like nothing? Why can't I do these big things now?

I have been pondering these questions, frequently, every day this past semester. It is such a struggle to stay motivated and be on the same page as the master plan here. But I have been thinking, and have come to a conclusion about all this.

This time, though often seemingly menial and useless, is a blessing from God. Whether this time was originally apart of his plan or not, he has set it aside just for me. He has blessed me with some time, free of charge, in my life to just figure out myself. I haven't had appropriate time to find myself over the past years, and with recent problems and struggles coming my way, I need extra time to sort my issues out.

I need to recognize this and take advantage of it. How many times in your life do you get time to really find yourself, (for the most part) uninterrupted? Not often. I need to suck up the classes and menial tasks that I get tired of, and take it with a grain of salt. But in the mean time, I need to focus on figuring me out, garnishing the relationships I cherish, and prepare myself physically for the big plans I have for the future.

This is what I was thinking of lately, and today especially. Just because I have big plans and know what I want to do, doesn't mean that it has to happen right now. God sees my life in the big picture even when I can't because he is the Creator; how else can he see things? I need to remind myself that he has a masterplan, and I don't need to question it so often. I need patience.

Doing the things to prepare myself for the long haul will benefit not only me, but the people I so long to help.

Give me the patience to do the things I need to do, even if I do not want necessarily want to.

Bury That Horse in the Ground

I just conquered a fear.
A huge fear, that I consistently fear.
I conquered it.
It may be little to everyone else who is normal, but to me its a huge deal.
I sat in my fear and was scared a little bit, but I made an active choice not to give in to it.
I allowed to be within me, and recognized it for what it was. I asked it when it was finished, and when it was, I went back to logic, as hard as it was.
I conquered a fear.
I buried the horse in the ground.
Here's to this happening more often, it times of fear.
Thank you Lord.

Weekends

Weekends are a trigger for me.

During the week, I am too busy some days to notice my loneliness. I may feel it during the week, but usually I have too much to do to give it any more than a moment's notice. I have menial tasks to do each day, and if I give any notice to the loneliness, I get lost in my tasks.

But the weekends are different.

The weekends, I have enough time to study, and get all my work done, with hours of time to spare. The weekends are great, because it gives me much needed down time, much needed Nikko time. But everyone else is enjoying the weekend as well. I cannot help but feel my loneliness arise the most on the weekends. I crave the weekend all week because of the hard work I put in during the week, and then I spend the treasured weekend time, wishing I wasn't so lonely.

I know the obvious answer is go do something with people. But its not as simple for me. My struggle makes it hard for me to branch out of what feels comfortable for me. It makes it hard to test the waters, and with that, I end up doing what I do best, which is relaxing with the roomies. I don't dislike doing this, don't get me wrong. But when my roomies consist of a very individual guy, and a very committed and close relationship between a guy and girl, where does that leave me. That leaves me spending quality time with them, but ultimately I feel alone.

I feel alone because I am the only one who knows what I deal with while up here at college. I do have someone to correspond with who has been there, a professional in Nashville, but its not easy when I am here. Its not easy being in your own metaphorical bubble.

I am trying to learn how to deal with this feeling and almost accept it, because, for a lot of people, loneliness is a fact of life. How many people, who live alone, go to work, and come home, and are alone in general, day to day. Plenty. This feels like something I have to get used to, because not everyone can feel wanted all the time, or special all the time, and that is okay, I guess.

But that doesn't change the fact that the feeling sucks, and it is hard either way. I am going to do all I can to not feel this way, without fighting the feeling, and accepting it if that is how it is. The rest I will give up to God, through prayer.

Lord, 

I turn to You as my source of strength when I feel so alone. I think of Christ and know that the loneliness he felt in Gethsemane and on the cross must have been far greater than I feel now. Still, I find my feelings difficult to bear. Help me to overcome my isolation and to reach out to others once again.

Amen.