Weekends

Weekends are a trigger for me.

During the week, I am too busy some days to notice my loneliness. I may feel it during the week, but usually I have too much to do to give it any more than a moment's notice. I have menial tasks to do each day, and if I give any notice to the loneliness, I get lost in my tasks.

But the weekends are different.

The weekends, I have enough time to study, and get all my work done, with hours of time to spare. The weekends are great, because it gives me much needed down time, much needed Nikko time. But everyone else is enjoying the weekend as well. I cannot help but feel my loneliness arise the most on the weekends. I crave the weekend all week because of the hard work I put in during the week, and then I spend the treasured weekend time, wishing I wasn't so lonely.

I know the obvious answer is go do something with people. But its not as simple for me. My struggle makes it hard for me to branch out of what feels comfortable for me. It makes it hard to test the waters, and with that, I end up doing what I do best, which is relaxing with the roomies. I don't dislike doing this, don't get me wrong. But when my roomies consist of a very individual guy, and a very committed and close relationship between a guy and girl, where does that leave me. That leaves me spending quality time with them, but ultimately I feel alone.

I feel alone because I am the only one who knows what I deal with while up here at college. I do have someone to correspond with who has been there, a professional in Nashville, but its not easy when I am here. Its not easy being in your own metaphorical bubble.

I am trying to learn how to deal with this feeling and almost accept it, because, for a lot of people, loneliness is a fact of life. How many people, who live alone, go to work, and come home, and are alone in general, day to day. Plenty. This feels like something I have to get used to, because not everyone can feel wanted all the time, or special all the time, and that is okay, I guess.

But that doesn't change the fact that the feeling sucks, and it is hard either way. I am going to do all I can to not feel this way, without fighting the feeling, and accepting it if that is how it is. The rest I will give up to God, through prayer.

Lord, 

I turn to You as my source of strength when I feel so alone. I think of Christ and know that the loneliness he felt in Gethsemane and on the cross must have been far greater than I feel now. Still, I find my feelings difficult to bear. Help me to overcome my isolation and to reach out to others once again.

Amen.