I never know how to start these things. I usually just go right into what I have to say. Here it goes.
I think I have a realized a true crux of some of my issues right now.
I was thinking about everything last week, maybe the week before, and came to a great realization, that I just now decided to write about.
My feelings of loneliness the past couple months have been related to not feeling a similar amount of love from my external. When I am home, I am surrounded by my family, and we are very close. We are all equally invested in each other and each others' interests. We are four individuals, but we are really one body, one unit. I am constantly showered with love (not in a bad way), and never have to look hard for assurance from my family.
When I am here, at school, I have a great set of friends. They mean the world to me. But we are all more of our own individuals (sometimes, too much so, like me for instance). We all love each other and all care about each other deeply. But we are individuals nonetheless, and I don't feel the same type of love.
I went home a lot this semester, looking for a weekend to get away, back to my family, for that exact reason. They offered me a weekend get away to a place I knew I would feel the love and connection that only my family can bring. But what I realized a few weeks ago is that its not the issue of external love that is the issue.
I was feeling so down about lack of external love, but I was focused on the wrong kind of love. I was receiving enough love, clearly, but the external love I was getting was plenty. My friends are the best and the world, and it wasn't them. It was me. I was searching for external love to fill a huge hole I had within me, where internal love would normally be. I was so down about not getting enough external love, that I did not realize I had enough, and that I was overcompensating for the lack of internal love I offer myself on a day to day basis. I struggle so much with self love and seeing my own self worth, that I was asking way too much from my external sources of love, my friends and family, to fix problems that were within me.
Furthermore, I was extending this err to associating external love to mean external, one-on-one relationship love. I always seem to do this, looking back on it. I again, overcompensate for a feeling I don't have by going big, going all or nothing. By seeking a relationship, I was seeking security and a constant source of love for me and a constant place I could focus my intense amount of love on. But that is not what a relationship is about. A relationship is something that just happens, involving an individual you can't really live normally without loving in that special way. I am clearly not feeling that way for anyone, so I digress back to the root of the problem: my own self-love.
I always say I am going to work on that, and I will. But I cannot sit here, and act like its going to be a quick fix. It is something so hard for me, yet so trivial for others. But to get it to the second-nature, its going to take a lot of work. I hate that I have such trouble with this, but these are the cards I have been dealt, and I am going to see how I can wrestle out a win with this hand I have been dealt.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Letter to a Friend
Do you know how much you matter to me?
Do you know how much I care for you?
I think of all the things we have seen together, all the conversations we have had.
The arguments we have had, and the jokes we have shared.
It are these times, good and bad I think to when I think of you.
I see you, and I think of these times. They flash very quickly before my eyes when you enter the room.
I think to them, I see you, and I just want to hold you, embrace you, show you the love I have for you, my friend.
Your such a vital aspect of my life, in so many different ways.
I pray we never grow apart, and that I am never overbearing to you in any way.
May we have years together, I pray. I hope we grow old being as good of friends as we are now. I can't imagine anything different!
I love you so much.
Nikko
Do you know how much I care for you?
I think of all the things we have seen together, all the conversations we have had.
The arguments we have had, and the jokes we have shared.
It are these times, good and bad I think to when I think of you.
I see you, and I think of these times. They flash very quickly before my eyes when you enter the room.
I think to them, I see you, and I just want to hold you, embrace you, show you the love I have for you, my friend.
Your such a vital aspect of my life, in so many different ways.
I pray we never grow apart, and that I am never overbearing to you in any way.
May we have years together, I pray. I hope we grow old being as good of friends as we are now. I can't imagine anything different!
I love you so much.
Nikko
Chowder
Last week I decided to go home this weekend. I really needed to move stuff from my apartment back home. I almost didn't though. I almost stayed in town, but I am glad I didn't.
This weekend at home, was just me and my dad. My brother and mom were out of town. So it was a nice time to get to spend with just him.
The reason I am so glad I came home this weekend is not because it was particularly eventful or exciting. I am glad because of a thought I had on the way home. The thought I had was that many people whose fathers pass away often feel regretful for not saying something to their father, or not having more meaningful experiences with them. This was exactly the kind of weekend that I would wish to have later in life, when I can longer have a weekend alone with my dad.
My dad is a great man, Chowder, as I often call him. I look up to him a lot, and I am thankful daily that he is there for me. I miss him a lot, but I know he is closer than it feels.
I know he is always with me.
This weekend at home, was just me and my dad. My brother and mom were out of town. So it was a nice time to get to spend with just him.
The reason I am so glad I came home this weekend is not because it was particularly eventful or exciting. I am glad because of a thought I had on the way home. The thought I had was that many people whose fathers pass away often feel regretful for not saying something to their father, or not having more meaningful experiences with them. This was exactly the kind of weekend that I would wish to have later in life, when I can longer have a weekend alone with my dad.
My dad is a great man, Chowder, as I often call him. I look up to him a lot, and I am thankful daily that he is there for me. I miss him a lot, but I know he is closer than it feels.
I know he is always with me.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
What A Guy
I just checked the mail.
I check the mail daily, and don't really expect anything, other than my roommate's daily paper, or my weekly Sports Illustrated. But today I got a letter addressed to me in a plain white envelope! I had no clue who it was from but I assumed it was from home, it looked like my mom's handwriting.
What I assumed was some information about summer school registration, ended up being something significantly better.
It was a letter from my best friend in the world, my younger brother, Kyle.
I instantly lit up with excitement.
He had just been at his school's junior retreat and was asked to write to someone who has either "helped you get through something hard or is going through something hard right now." He said I fit both descriptions, and instantly came to mind. What a guy.
The letter was a simple page long, but it was one of those letters you know you will keep forever.
Kyle and I used to write letters frequently last year, but it stopped this year because we both got busier and I also had no stamps.
But to get this letter and to hear the things he had to say to me really got me emotional. Like I am not emotional enough as it is.
If there was ever anyone to doubt we were truly related, I would show them his writing and tell them that writing must run in our veins, just like the genes that gave us our father's "Lane teeth" or our mother's compassion for others.
I love that little guy like no other, and I really miss him.
He has no clue how much this little thing helped me.
What a guy.
I check the mail daily, and don't really expect anything, other than my roommate's daily paper, or my weekly Sports Illustrated. But today I got a letter addressed to me in a plain white envelope! I had no clue who it was from but I assumed it was from home, it looked like my mom's handwriting.
What I assumed was some information about summer school registration, ended up being something significantly better.
It was a letter from my best friend in the world, my younger brother, Kyle.
I instantly lit up with excitement.
He had just been at his school's junior retreat and was asked to write to someone who has either "helped you get through something hard or is going through something hard right now." He said I fit both descriptions, and instantly came to mind. What a guy.
The letter was a simple page long, but it was one of those letters you know you will keep forever.
Kyle and I used to write letters frequently last year, but it stopped this year because we both got busier and I also had no stamps.
But to get this letter and to hear the things he had to say to me really got me emotional. Like I am not emotional enough as it is.
If there was ever anyone to doubt we were truly related, I would show them his writing and tell them that writing must run in our veins, just like the genes that gave us our father's "Lane teeth" or our mother's compassion for others.
I love that little guy like no other, and I really miss him.
He has no clue how much this little thing helped me.
What a guy.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Whirlwind
The past couple weeks have been a whirlwind. I mean that in the sense of like its crazy looking back on it now. Even reading some of my posts from that time period, to thinking about some things that happened in those weeks, I can't believe I let things get so negative. I am naturally a positive thinker, and I normally try and see the bright side of things. But these past few weeks have been weird to say the least.
I blame myself. I was feeling really lonely again, and was aching for some closeness to the people I loved, and didn't feel it. But it was me, me alone that was keeping me from doing this. They were never "not there." They were, and always are, there. I just let myself get into this state that I can't even describe, where I turned my back from them. Though all this was unintentional, it happened, and I feel like I haven't been doing my part when it comes to getting the best out of relationships.
Friendships are not battery sources that you sap the life out of. They are two-way, giving relationships between two people who care about each other a lot. One cannot take away anything from a friendship unless they give themselves, and give themselves fully, to there respective friends. I haven't been doing this.
What I thought was loneliness, was really just me allowing myself to be isolated from the people that I really want to see the most. Do not ask me why I do this or let this happened. I do not know, I can't explain it. All I know is that I want it to stop. I am ready to be a better friend. I am always, always, thinking of my friends, but I could be better about being around and really showing them I care. Making an effort. These people are the most important people in my life, and I am happiest when I am around them. End of story, book closed, on the shelf, next story, please.
That's all I can think to say.
I am not writing this to say that I have all of a sudden changed, because I haven't, but I really am going to work on this. Its important to me. Its at the top of my mind right now, and I won't let this go that easily.
Happy Friday, everyone!
I blame myself. I was feeling really lonely again, and was aching for some closeness to the people I loved, and didn't feel it. But it was me, me alone that was keeping me from doing this. They were never "not there." They were, and always are, there. I just let myself get into this state that I can't even describe, where I turned my back from them. Though all this was unintentional, it happened, and I feel like I haven't been doing my part when it comes to getting the best out of relationships.
Friendships are not battery sources that you sap the life out of. They are two-way, giving relationships between two people who care about each other a lot. One cannot take away anything from a friendship unless they give themselves, and give themselves fully, to there respective friends. I haven't been doing this.
What I thought was loneliness, was really just me allowing myself to be isolated from the people that I really want to see the most. Do not ask me why I do this or let this happened. I do not know, I can't explain it. All I know is that I want it to stop. I am ready to be a better friend. I am always, always, thinking of my friends, but I could be better about being around and really showing them I care. Making an effort. These people are the most important people in my life, and I am happiest when I am around them. End of story, book closed, on the shelf, next story, please.
That's all I can think to say.
I am not writing this to say that I have all of a sudden changed, because I haven't, but I really am going to work on this. Its important to me. Its at the top of my mind right now, and I won't let this go that easily.
Happy Friday, everyone!
Monday, April 9, 2012
Just A Wish
If I had one wish, I would wish for self-esteem. I would wish for a positive body image. I would wish for self-love, something I possess so little of. I wish I could be easier on myself. I wish I wasn't just another one of projects that I am trying to perfect.
I so badly want to love myself like others do. Not only that, but I wish I had an easier time believing the positives about myself.
I wish.
I so badly want to love myself like others do. Not only that, but I wish I had an easier time believing the positives about myself.
I wish.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
I'm Still Here pt. 2
This is a kind of continuation of a post from last year, that I titled "I'm Still Here". I was listening to this song on the drive back from home to college today.
I had a new-found perspective on this song that I had never realized before. Originally, I was more relating to the lyrics directly, feeling like I am not seen and I am not important to many, but that I have a lot of promise and am always still here.
But the drive home made me realize that I also see it in relation to my so-called "struggle." Except this time, I want to describe my "struggle" not as a struggle, but as something different. It is something that takes over me, makes me something I am not, someone who I am not. My thoughts and logic change when this takes over, and in retrospect, I can clearly delineate between my true, "Nikko thoughts" and my these "Struggle thoughts." This is all well and good, but in the heat of the moment, the thoughts blend, and I become one with this other personality. This is where my struggle comes from. It makes things so hard for me. I sometimes feel like I am smothered by the struggle thoughts, silenced by them, hiding the true me, and it makes me unhappy. It is harder and harder to shout out when these thoughts suffocate me. It makes me feel like I am becoming these thoughts.
But as I listened to this song, my new perspective was that I am not my thoughts. As the song suggests, I want a moment to be real, I'm still here. As loud as my struggle thoughts are, I, Nikko am still here. I can do this, as impossible as it seems. I will eventually get over this. It is so unbelievably hard. But in the heart of the Easter season, we are all welcome to new beginnings, just like Jesus was. All thanks to our Lord, I can start anew. Sooner rather than later, if it is your will, God.
I had a new-found perspective on this song that I had never realized before. Originally, I was more relating to the lyrics directly, feeling like I am not seen and I am not important to many, but that I have a lot of promise and am always still here.
But the drive home made me realize that I also see it in relation to my so-called "struggle." Except this time, I want to describe my "struggle" not as a struggle, but as something different. It is something that takes over me, makes me something I am not, someone who I am not. My thoughts and logic change when this takes over, and in retrospect, I can clearly delineate between my true, "Nikko thoughts" and my these "Struggle thoughts." This is all well and good, but in the heat of the moment, the thoughts blend, and I become one with this other personality. This is where my struggle comes from. It makes things so hard for me. I sometimes feel like I am smothered by the struggle thoughts, silenced by them, hiding the true me, and it makes me unhappy. It is harder and harder to shout out when these thoughts suffocate me. It makes me feel like I am becoming these thoughts.
But as I listened to this song, my new perspective was that I am not my thoughts. As the song suggests, I want a moment to be real, I'm still here. As loud as my struggle thoughts are, I, Nikko am still here. I can do this, as impossible as it seems. I will eventually get over this. It is so unbelievably hard. But in the heart of the Easter season, we are all welcome to new beginnings, just like Jesus was. All thanks to our Lord, I can start anew. Sooner rather than later, if it is your will, God.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Looking Ahead
I hate writing posts like this, because it is so unfulfilling for readers.
But I really need to write soon. I have a lot on my mind, about a few things among others. I just need some time to really think about what I want to say.
Lot on the mind, almost too much, not sure what I think.
Decompress is what I need to do. Good thing I have an Easter break to do so.
I have a feeling I will have many posts one after another, coming fairly soon.
More to come later!
But I really need to write soon. I have a lot on my mind, about a few things among others. I just need some time to really think about what I want to say.
Lot on the mind, almost too much, not sure what I think.
Decompress is what I need to do. Good thing I have an Easter break to do so.
I have a feeling I will have many posts one after another, coming fairly soon.
More to come later!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Spirit and Body
What an amazing quote I read today for a class. Proof of the truly amazing religious experiences I want to encounter in my life, from others' perspectives. I am not Hindu, but it still is applicable to just about any believer of God or a higher power.
"Here, I stand, and if I shut my eyes and try and conceive my existence, “I,” “I,” I,” what is the idea before me? The idea of a body. Am I, then, nothing but a combination of matter and material substances? No, I am a spirit, living in a body. I am not the body. The body will die, but I will not die. Here am I in this body, and when it will fail, still I will go on living."
- Swami Vivekananda
This helps me through a lot right now. Helps me to remember the importance of my soul and spirit and things that cannot be seen or touched, as opposed to my body, my image and things that are not nearly as important. What a nice, Sunday meditation for us all. I hope we all are able to find love for ourselves outside of our worldly bodies today.
With love,
Nikko
"Here, I stand, and if I shut my eyes and try and conceive my existence, “I,” “I,” I,” what is the idea before me? The idea of a body. Am I, then, nothing but a combination of matter and material substances? No, I am a spirit, living in a body. I am not the body. The body will die, but I will not die. Here am I in this body, and when it will fail, still I will go on living."
- Swami Vivekananda
This helps me through a lot right now. Helps me to remember the importance of my soul and spirit and things that cannot be seen or touched, as opposed to my body, my image and things that are not nearly as important. What a nice, Sunday meditation for us all. I hope we all are able to find love for ourselves outside of our worldly bodies today.
With love,
Nikko
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