I never know how to start these things. I usually just go right into what I have to say. Here it goes.
I think I have a realized a true crux of some of my issues right now.
I was thinking about everything last week, maybe the week before, and came to a great realization, that I just now decided to write about.
My feelings of loneliness the past couple months have been related to not feeling a similar amount of love from my external. When I am home, I am surrounded by my family, and we are very close. We are all equally invested in each other and each others' interests. We are four individuals, but we are really one body, one unit. I am constantly showered with love (not in a bad way), and never have to look hard for assurance from my family.
When I am here, at school, I have a great set of friends. They mean the world to me. But we are all more of our own individuals (sometimes, too much so, like me for instance). We all love each other and all care about each other deeply. But we are individuals nonetheless, and I don't feel the same type of love.
I went home a lot this semester, looking for a weekend to get away, back to my family, for that exact reason. They offered me a weekend get away to a place I knew I would feel the love and connection that only my family can bring. But what I realized a few weeks ago is that its not the issue of external love that is the issue.
I was feeling so down about lack of external love, but I was focused on the wrong kind of love. I was receiving enough love, clearly, but the external love I was getting was plenty. My friends are the best and the world, and it wasn't them. It was me. I was searching for external love to fill a huge hole I had within me, where internal love would normally be. I was so down about not getting enough external love, that I did not realize I had enough, and that I was overcompensating for the lack of internal love I offer myself on a day to day basis. I struggle so much with self love and seeing my own self worth, that I was asking way too much from my external sources of love, my friends and family, to fix problems that were within me.
Furthermore, I was extending this err to associating external love to mean external, one-on-one relationship love. I always seem to do this, looking back on it. I again, overcompensate for a feeling I don't have by going big, going all or nothing. By seeking a relationship, I was seeking security and a constant source of love for me and a constant place I could focus my intense amount of love on. But that is not what a relationship is about. A relationship is something that just happens, involving an individual you can't really live normally without loving in that special way. I am clearly not feeling that way for anyone, so I digress back to the root of the problem: my own self-love.
I always say I am going to work on that, and I will. But I cannot sit here, and act like its going to be a quick fix. It is something so hard for me, yet so trivial for others. But to get it to the second-nature, its going to take a lot of work. I hate that I have such trouble with this, but these are the cards I have been dealt, and I am going to see how I can wrestle out a win with this hand I have been dealt.
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