Madness

 I wasted so much time last year, caught up in my own world of problems. I isolated myself thanks to my problems, and I missed out on a lot of opportunities that year. I was so disappointed in retrospect that I promised I would not let the same thing happen this year.

Now that this year is over, I am looking back on it, and I feel the same disappointment in myself. I isolated myself again this year, partly because I was busy, getting caught up in my studies. Part of it was that I was lonely, more than I have ever felt, this year. And yet a final part of it is directly related to my issues, my struggle. I don't know what led to the other, but all of these perfectly set me up for the times I isolated myself, unintenionally (I swear), and was distant from some of the people that matter most.

Because I was lonely, it was significantly easier for me to go off some place and get hours of work done for my studies. Or is it that because I was doing so much work, I was lonely? I don't know, and I never will. It is probably a little bit of both. But what I do know, is that a lot of it was due to complicated things that I have trouble explaining. I guess what I am trying to say is that my fears with my struggle, fears of scaring others off, fears of regressing back to old habits, fears of having to face things I really do not want to face, made it really easy, almost setting the stage, for this loneliness-busy construct I have been under this year. I know this is some deep shit, and most people my age would just say chill out, enjoy yourself. But I am just speaking my mind, looking back on the semester.

I hate knowing that the last two weeks of the semester, while some of my closest friends where "playing," something I love to do with them, I was off either studying, or relaxing with my roommates. Those friends where spending good quality time with each other, and not only that but they were saying goodbyes to some of the seniors who were graduating, some of my role models for the past two years. Yet I was nowhere to be found, and though no one particularly told me, I am sure they would have rather enjoyed my presence than not.

So all I can think to ask myself in this situation is "What am I doing?" Why must my struggle make it so hard for me to connect with the people I love. It traps me in fear and of regression, fear of not being able to do what I need to be doing, but most of all fear of making others uncomfortable and making myself uncomfortable in the process. I don't blame myself, because the person that makes me do these things, the reason I am not around or distant at times IS NOT ME. That's why it hurts when I hear my friends sound their regret about me going home immediately when I am done with exams, as opposed to staying and "playing." Or when I tell them I can't go to something, I need to study or have something to do. It is not me. It kills me though, because though it is not Nikko upsetting them or letting them down, it is Nikko who has to hear the disappointment in their voice, see the regret in their faces. I hate that.

I don't know who said it, but someone once said "The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result." I feel like though I did improve this year with putting myself out there and being sociable, I still made the same mistakes, and hoped to make improvements. I gotta be better about this. I gotta be a better friend, not just for me, but for the people I love. I hate that. I hate hate hate it. I am better than this. This is not me.