Litany Against Fear

Best quote I have heard in a while. I will keep this close to my heart.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing… Only I will remain.”

    -Frank Hebert’s Litany Against Fear

News & Thoughts

1. I found out today that my family is going to vacation to the Grand Canyon. At first I was like "Really?", but now I am excited to go. I haven't gone on a real outdoors trip in a long time, and I have never been out southwest besides California. It will be nice to connect with nature and get away from civilization.

2. I start my online Microbiology class in a week or so. I am not excited at all. I like not having a plan or anything on my agenda during the summer. Now I have to learn about something I am not in the least bit interested in, and its my last class before Nursing. So over school, to be honest. But what else would I do? Lord knows how its gonna be when I actually have a job and live in the real world.

3. I ordered my first pair of Chacos today. Judge me all you want. I feel like I will either love them or hate them. They are definitely odd sandals.

4. Being home makes me realize or remember how much I love dogs. I love being home with my dogs Kilo and Dmitry. Two of the best Yorkies ever. I have already decided one of my first purchases I will make as a postgrad (besides the basics of living) is a dog. I am looking at different breeds and trying to be acquainted with multiple breeds. I like Yorkies of course, but I also like Boston Terriers, French bulldogs, Shiba Inus, and Shepperkes. I am sure that means nothing to you, but Google them! You won't be disappointed!

5. I am still trying to do everything I have to do to get better this summer and improve, but things are uncomfortable so often. I hate it. This is tough, and I really think no one understands it. I am still gonna keep pushing to improve, but I can't act like I am enjoying this either. It kinda sucks.

6. I am in such a weird place right now. I don't even know how to describe it! Its not necessarily bad, I just feel that if I had to describe my life in one word right now I probably couldn't.

7. I am usually heartset on doing missionary work abroad with my nursing skills I will gain from college. But lately, I just feel so unsure about it. I feel like if its God's will for me to go, I would need to go. But I can't discern whether that's what he wants of me. Who knows, may be I meant to help a community here in America, anywhere from my home Nashville, to some place like Boston, or small town in the middle of nowhere Montana? I don't know. I want to help abroad, but its a HUGE decision, and something I cannot just do on a whim. I will ponder this more over the next couple of years. I do want to help the best I can no matter what, no matter where I am, that is for sure.

8. I finished a book quicker than I ever had this week. It wasn't a small book either. It is called "Music for Torching" by A.M. Homes. Long story short, it tells the story of a married couple who does not get a long at all, and end up burning their house down. They frame it as an accident later when they realize how crazy they were, and their lives unfold in a terrible way in the midst of the friends they live with in their neighborhood. The story itself is terrible, leaving you feeling awful in a way, for their marriage, for the disintegration of their family, like their house early in the book. But it was so well written, so vivid in its descriptions and connection to characters, that I really couldn't get enough. Its amazing how a great writer can make a terrible story irresistible to me. The book left me with these thoughts: I am so much better than Paul and Elaine. I will find the person for me and I would never let things get bad with that person, ever. I would know if I love them and I wouldn't let anything change that. Positive out of a negative, yep.

Staring Out My Window

For the first time this summer, I was awake for the start of a storm. It was great. I am always captivated by those perfect summer storms. The summer heat is there so it is not unpleasant, and the dampness of the rain against the foliage creates this smell unlike any other. When it began, I watched the rain fall, soundtracked by the thunder in the background. It was beautiful. As I looked out my window, I got caught up, lost in my thoughts. My thoughts wandered from the scene outside, the street, other houses, to where I am at as a person. I started to think, more specifically about how I am trying to learn to love myself.

With enough time, I can come across some great realizations. I realized that for so long, I sought love from my friends, peers, girls. I spent a lot of time as a kid rejected for various reasons (including being different, being overweight). When I finally found myself in a comfortable point with friends and I was old enough to start dating, I wanted to feel accepted, to feel loved. My biggest fear, besides dying or spiders, has always been rejection, and when rejection presented itself, I assumed it was all because I did something wrong, or something was naturally wrong with me. Like if a person I wanted to be friends with disliked me, it must be because of a personality trait of mine. The same with girls I was interested in. If they didn't share the interest, it must have been me. This complex made it hard for me to love myself, and made me equate my own self love based on others' judgments. How messed up is that?

I had always feared that some future girl I liked wouldn't love me unless I was a certain way, even if that way of living was detrimental to myself. This made me really hard on myself, making myself my own biggest critic, and my self-love declined further. I made so many stupid decisions and acted so stupidly because of this. Most of my troubles right now are directly stemming from this way of thinking. But this way of thinking was missing a bit of logic: do I really desire someone that doesn't love me for me? Besides, close family and friends love me for me, regardless of my appearance. So why can't I? So in all reality, the issues is not with how others view me, but how I view myself, and also how much value I put on what others see me as. When I realized all this (especially the "do I really want someone who doesn't love me for me" part), I couldn't help but think "DUH. What was I thinking?" I shouldn't worry about my appearance just to please others, and I really should value myself and hold myself to the standards I hold others: for their personality, for who they are as a unique individual, and the intangible things I love about them. That's how they value me, and that's how I should value myself. I will eventually find a girl that likes me for me, and she will like me for the things I bring to her as a person, as opposed to superficial reasons. I hope she comes soon, but who knows. Life is long. I may know her, I may not. Life is all about not knowing, and trusting.

It is at this that I snapped back to reality (ope there goes gravity... haha sorry). I was looking out the window still, checked my phone, and it was 15 minutes since I last checked. The rain had stopped, but the thunder persisted. I love summer storms.

Quote For A Friend

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”- Helen Keller

Summer Playlist

So I have a lot of time on my hands this summer, and I really enjoy it. So I figured I would make a playlist of the Summer of '12. Hope you all enjoy, I encourage anyone reading to take a listen.
Here we go

1. Rizzlekicks- "Down with the Trumpets"
This song is fantastic. Its got Latin vibes, which reminds me of the hot summer nights, when you wish you could find a way to get cooler, beating the heat. I love these guys, they rap so fresh.

2. Third Eye Blind- "Semi-Charmed Kinda Life"
Do not even act like you don't know and love this song. This song brings me back to summers of my early youth. Oh the 90's, you never cease to amaze me. This isn't the only 90's song on this playlist, but its probably the one I remember listening to most.

3. Grouplove- "Naked Kids"
 Don't let the title scare you off, it has nothing to do with young children (lol awkward). This is one of my favorite songs from one of my recent favorite bands. I listen to this song and listen to the lyrics, and I imagine doing these things with my group of friends. The feeling I get is that of my skin with used sunscreen on it, in wet swimtrunks, a damp tank top, sunglasses on, at the beach with a drink, with my favorite people in the world. That eternal feeling you get with good friends is what I feel.

4. Biggie Smalls- "Mo Money Mo Problems"
Besides the catchy chorus in the background, this is a summer song for Biggie's pure rap talent. Enough said. Enjoy.

5. Noah and the Whale- "Five Years Time"
This song has one of my single favorite instrumental parts of any song, and that's the ukulele playing in the background the whole time. But the lyrics are catchy and sweet and that's why I love this song. It makes me think of laying in a grassy field looking at the summer sky, so blue!

The more I make of this playlist, the more I think I will add to it, maybe in 5 song parts. But for now, this is excellent. Love it!

Trump Card

I thought I was improving and doing better, but when I met up with my professional earlier this week, I had regressed slightly. I was so sad and disappointed to see myself take steps in the opposite direction, though I did not do it intentionally. It sucks. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, the hardest time of my life by far. It is amazing because this all started to keep myself from a place I thought was the worst of the worst feelings in the world. Now look where I am at!

I have been working so hard and trying to improve that when I see myself move backwards, it hurts. It hurts me, it hurts my family, it hurts loved ones. It affects many people, whether they know it or not. But it does affect me the hardest. It really scares me.

So I have been thinking and decided I am going to make a change. The environment I have been in this semester that has been so hard is one that I have some time off from. I am so scared of how this is going to affect me and my remaining years at school, but I am going to focus my concerns elsewhere. I have roughly three months to get myself in good shape, to prepare myself for the future, and make significant steps forward. It should be easier considering the circumstances, but the fear is still there. Whats different this time around is that I am doing everything I can to face the fears head on.

My biggest fear, one that I don't want to mention on this blog, but I am more than willing to talk about if asked, has been holding me back from doing this originally. But these recent steps backward have scared me enough to change, almost surpressing my fears. The fear of not changing, of not being able to do things like nursing school, going and helping the third world like I want to, and to who knows, maybe be a good husband someday (I can dream, shut up!), is currently trumping my "biggest fear." I figure, if my biggest fear does happen in any situation, than I have done the best I can do.

I have been to hell and back multiple times, and I am just beyond caring right now. This sounds dangerous and negative, but its really not, at least I don't think so. I see it more as St. Joseph's patronage hanging around my shoulders, relaxing me, giving me peace of mind to do what must be done, for me.

Madness

 I wasted so much time last year, caught up in my own world of problems. I isolated myself thanks to my problems, and I missed out on a lot of opportunities that year. I was so disappointed in retrospect that I promised I would not let the same thing happen this year.

Now that this year is over, I am looking back on it, and I feel the same disappointment in myself. I isolated myself again this year, partly because I was busy, getting caught up in my studies. Part of it was that I was lonely, more than I have ever felt, this year. And yet a final part of it is directly related to my issues, my struggle. I don't know what led to the other, but all of these perfectly set me up for the times I isolated myself, unintenionally (I swear), and was distant from some of the people that matter most.

Because I was lonely, it was significantly easier for me to go off some place and get hours of work done for my studies. Or is it that because I was doing so much work, I was lonely? I don't know, and I never will. It is probably a little bit of both. But what I do know, is that a lot of it was due to complicated things that I have trouble explaining. I guess what I am trying to say is that my fears with my struggle, fears of scaring others off, fears of regressing back to old habits, fears of having to face things I really do not want to face, made it really easy, almost setting the stage, for this loneliness-busy construct I have been under this year. I know this is some deep shit, and most people my age would just say chill out, enjoy yourself. But I am just speaking my mind, looking back on the semester.

I hate knowing that the last two weeks of the semester, while some of my closest friends where "playing," something I love to do with them, I was off either studying, or relaxing with my roommates. Those friends where spending good quality time with each other, and not only that but they were saying goodbyes to some of the seniors who were graduating, some of my role models for the past two years. Yet I was nowhere to be found, and though no one particularly told me, I am sure they would have rather enjoyed my presence than not.

So all I can think to ask myself in this situation is "What am I doing?" Why must my struggle make it so hard for me to connect with the people I love. It traps me in fear and of regression, fear of not being able to do what I need to be doing, but most of all fear of making others uncomfortable and making myself uncomfortable in the process. I don't blame myself, because the person that makes me do these things, the reason I am not around or distant at times IS NOT ME. That's why it hurts when I hear my friends sound their regret about me going home immediately when I am done with exams, as opposed to staying and "playing." Or when I tell them I can't go to something, I need to study or have something to do. It is not me. It kills me though, because though it is not Nikko upsetting them or letting them down, it is Nikko who has to hear the disappointment in their voice, see the regret in their faces. I hate that.

I don't know who said it, but someone once said "The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result." I feel like though I did improve this year with putting myself out there and being sociable, I still made the same mistakes, and hoped to make improvements. I gotta be better about this. I gotta be a better friend, not just for me, but for the people I love. I hate that. I hate hate hate it. I am better than this. This is not me.