Staring Out My Window

For the first time this summer, I was awake for the start of a storm. It was great. I am always captivated by those perfect summer storms. The summer heat is there so it is not unpleasant, and the dampness of the rain against the foliage creates this smell unlike any other. When it began, I watched the rain fall, soundtracked by the thunder in the background. It was beautiful. As I looked out my window, I got caught up, lost in my thoughts. My thoughts wandered from the scene outside, the street, other houses, to where I am at as a person. I started to think, more specifically about how I am trying to learn to love myself.

With enough time, I can come across some great realizations. I realized that for so long, I sought love from my friends, peers, girls. I spent a lot of time as a kid rejected for various reasons (including being different, being overweight). When I finally found myself in a comfortable point with friends and I was old enough to start dating, I wanted to feel accepted, to feel loved. My biggest fear, besides dying or spiders, has always been rejection, and when rejection presented itself, I assumed it was all because I did something wrong, or something was naturally wrong with me. Like if a person I wanted to be friends with disliked me, it must be because of a personality trait of mine. The same with girls I was interested in. If they didn't share the interest, it must have been me. This complex made it hard for me to love myself, and made me equate my own self love based on others' judgments. How messed up is that?

I had always feared that some future girl I liked wouldn't love me unless I was a certain way, even if that way of living was detrimental to myself. This made me really hard on myself, making myself my own biggest critic, and my self-love declined further. I made so many stupid decisions and acted so stupidly because of this. Most of my troubles right now are directly stemming from this way of thinking. But this way of thinking was missing a bit of logic: do I really desire someone that doesn't love me for me? Besides, close family and friends love me for me, regardless of my appearance. So why can't I? So in all reality, the issues is not with how others view me, but how I view myself, and also how much value I put on what others see me as. When I realized all this (especially the "do I really want someone who doesn't love me for me" part), I couldn't help but think "DUH. What was I thinking?" I shouldn't worry about my appearance just to please others, and I really should value myself and hold myself to the standards I hold others: for their personality, for who they are as a unique individual, and the intangible things I love about them. That's how they value me, and that's how I should value myself. I will eventually find a girl that likes me for me, and she will like me for the things I bring to her as a person, as opposed to superficial reasons. I hope she comes soon, but who knows. Life is long. I may know her, I may not. Life is all about not knowing, and trusting.

It is at this that I snapped back to reality (ope there goes gravity... haha sorry). I was looking out the window still, checked my phone, and it was 15 minutes since I last checked. The rain had stopped, but the thunder persisted. I love summer storms.