Trump Card

I thought I was improving and doing better, but when I met up with my professional earlier this week, I had regressed slightly. I was so sad and disappointed to see myself take steps in the opposite direction, though I did not do it intentionally. It sucks. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, the hardest time of my life by far. It is amazing because this all started to keep myself from a place I thought was the worst of the worst feelings in the world. Now look where I am at!

I have been working so hard and trying to improve that when I see myself move backwards, it hurts. It hurts me, it hurts my family, it hurts loved ones. It affects many people, whether they know it or not. But it does affect me the hardest. It really scares me.

So I have been thinking and decided I am going to make a change. The environment I have been in this semester that has been so hard is one that I have some time off from. I am so scared of how this is going to affect me and my remaining years at school, but I am going to focus my concerns elsewhere. I have roughly three months to get myself in good shape, to prepare myself for the future, and make significant steps forward. It should be easier considering the circumstances, but the fear is still there. Whats different this time around is that I am doing everything I can to face the fears head on.

My biggest fear, one that I don't want to mention on this blog, but I am more than willing to talk about if asked, has been holding me back from doing this originally. But these recent steps backward have scared me enough to change, almost surpressing my fears. The fear of not changing, of not being able to do things like nursing school, going and helping the third world like I want to, and to who knows, maybe be a good husband someday (I can dream, shut up!), is currently trumping my "biggest fear." I figure, if my biggest fear does happen in any situation, than I have done the best I can do.

I have been to hell and back multiple times, and I am just beyond caring right now. This sounds dangerous and negative, but its really not, at least I don't think so. I see it more as St. Joseph's patronage hanging around my shoulders, relaxing me, giving me peace of mind to do what must be done, for me.