Boy

Girl shows interest.
Boy notices interest, probably misreads and realizes that.
Boy likes the attention and thinks about asking out.
Boy takes prescription SSRI.
When boy thinks of taking a chance, he thinks "Do I really want to put myself out there on that level? Do I really have anything to say? Is dating worth the effort?"
Boy gets feedback from friends.
Friends say ask her out ask her out.
Boy resists, they don't know how this side effect feels.
To have some interest but not care enough to do anything about it.
Boy is happy, boy is in a good place.
But, put simply, boy doesn't feel the need.
Boy has the Lord.
Boy feels the Lord will let him know when it is worth the effort.
Boy writes blog.

What's Goin' On Here?

Too many signs lately are showing me how grown up I am.

Its telling.

Examples:

1. Party this weekend at my apartment. I am considering not drinking because I just think I am gonna need to be responsible for my guests. 

2. Friends were doing something that was probably fun yesterday, but I didn’t join them because I was looking at nursing openings in Nashville and Washington D.C.

3. Friends are turning 21. I am staying in to “master my craft” in nursing school. 

Who am I? 

Honestly

It’s been hard for me to go to mass lately.

1. A lot of peers in the church act self-righteous and pious to the point of me feeling bad about myself and honestly annoyed.

2. I disagree with the church’s stance on homosexuality right now.

3. Some things I am not ashamed of, but cannot justify to the church keep me from going at times.

4. I just can’t deal with some people at church my age. Church has always been a personal thing for me anyways. This one goes with number one. I shouldn’t feel like less of a person for having political opinions and being told “shame on you” for thinking that way.

Having said that, I am excited about my holy day of obligation tomorrow. I’m going to a church I have never been to, so I won’t be distracted by the reasons listed above. I can focus on what is important, my relationship with The Lord.

Homosexuality

Lately,  due to social issues, I keep feeling pushed away from my faith.

Born Catholic, and I will die Catholic, but man things just aren't as easy as the old days.

My dilemma:

Holding my beliefs about homosexuality that go completely against my faith.

I cannot believe that two people loving each other is immoral. 

The beliefs that my faith holds come from a time when homosexuality was new and unheard of. Of course St. Paul and other early church leaders condemned it as wrong. 

But two thousand years later, we evolved. We improved as people. We understand more now.

Friends and family I know that are homosexual, I just know it is not wrong. It is as much a sin as being born with a propensity against scrambled eggs and bacon. 

But peers of my own in my faith who believe differently from me push the opposite side of the argument.

And it always seems to me that these people walk around, talking like they are right end of story. They are holier than thou and it makes me sick. I know you believe what you believe, but I believe what I believe as well. They walk around talking about "defending the faith" like they its is their crusade of faith. "Defending the faith from people that are wrong" is essentially all I hear. 

My personality is one that does not push my beliefs on others, so much that I don't even really talk about it until heated arguments come up. With the people I love and am around that believe differently, they all push their faith hard, so much so that it makes me embarrassed how they act. 

They push other people away and wonder why they are constantly "misunderstood" by the lay people of this world.

I am fed up with being treated by them like I am a second rate Catholic, nay, a terrible catholic, supporting heathen beliefs.

I believe in Jesus Christ, the Lord Father, the Holy Spirit. 

I believe that Lord Father wants us to be our best people in faith, and I believe for those of us born homosexual or asexual or bisexual or transexual or heterosexual, no matter what we are inclined to do in our own bedroom, he supports and loves us because of the people we are not despite the people we are.

We were made sexual beings and I believe God not only understands but has a huge part in who we are sexually, among other things. He made us in his image.

Yellow Diamonds

My mind is trained to hear We Found Love and think of this one cabin weekend my sophomore year of college. I have these images in my head. Wooden table. My gray sweater and jeans. Ellie. Greg. Grace. Meeting Cady for the first time ever. Numerous drinks. Pictures. Standing on furniture. Dancing with plush fish. Sleeping on suitcases. Feeling infinitely young. Our friendship everlasting. Hearing this in the car for the first time in ages brings the biggest and best love-lump (I can't describe it any better than that) in my throat. The kind that makes it hard to breath because you instantly think of the happiest times with some of the most important people in your life. Ohhh my God, thank you for these memories. Please, don't ever let this feeling leave me.

Yellow diamonds in the light

as we're standing side by side.

As your shadow crosses mine

what it takes to feel alive.

Introvert

Being an introvert has its pros and cons. Today I am feeling the cons. I work ridiculous shifts and come home exhausted. I make plans with friends when I'm not exhausted and then get off work and just wanna rejuvenate. Except all my friends are extroverts and energized by seeing people. I just wanna come home and sleep and vegetate and relax. But bailing on plans makes me a disappointment and I absolutely hate that. I'm sorry.

How to Fall in Love with Yourself

       "Stand naked in front of a mirror for a long time, under unflattering light if possible. Trace the rises and falls of the little ripples on your skin—the scars, the dimples, the cellulite—and think about how much you try to hide these things in your day-to-day. Wonder why you hate them so much, and if this hate stems from somewhere within yourself, or as a result of being told all your life that it’s wrong to have physical flaws. Wonder what you would think of your body if you never looked at a magazine, if you never thought about celebrities and models, if you never had to wonder where someone would rate you on a scale of 10. Look at yourself until the initial recoil softens, and you can consider your features in a more forgiving frame of mind.

       Listen to the music which makes you want to both sob and dance with uninhibited joy, and allow yourself to repeat any song you want as many times as your heart desires. Think of the person you are when you have your favorite song in your headphones and are walking down a street you feel you own completely, swaying your hips and smiling for no good reason — remember how many things you love about yourself during those moments, how much you are willing to forgive in yourself, how confident you are for no good reason. Try to think of confidence as a gift you give yourself when you need it, instead of something you have to siphon from every unreliable source in your life. Dance because the music makes you remember how much you love yourself, not because it allows you to forget the fact that you don’t.

       Write a list of all the things you like about yourself, even if you think it’s a self-indulgent and narcissistic activity. Start as early as you like in your life — put down that time you won a trophy playing little league soccer when you were eight and then got an extra-large shake at the DQ on the way home, and don’t feel silly for remembering it. Try to understand how many sources in your life happiness can come from, how many things you could be proud of if you chose to. Ask yourself why you so tightly limit the things you take pride in, why you set your own hurdles for happiness and fulfillment so much higher than you do with anyone else in your life. Let your list go on for pages and pages if you want it to.

       Touch and care for yourself with the attention and the patience that you would someone you loved more than life itself. Rub lotion in small circles on your elbows and hands when it is cold and your skin is dry and cracked. Make soup for yourself when your nose is running and curl up, with your favorite movie, in a pile of expertly-stacked pillows. Light a few candles and let their glow flicker against your body. Admire how gentle they are, how delicately their warmth touches you — wonder why you don’t let yourself do the same. Soak your feet in warm water at the end of a long day, until they have forgiven you for walking on them for so long without so much as a “thank you.” Listen to your body when it aches to be touched, and don’t be afraid to give it every orgasm that you may have been too ashamed to ask for in someone else’s bed.

       Be patient with yourself, and don’t worry if a switch doesn’t flip in you which abruptly takes you from “crippling self-doubt” to “uncompromising self-love.” Allow yourself all the trepidation and clumsy, uneven infatuation that you would with a promising stranger. Try only to be kinder, to be softer, and to remember all of the things within you which are worth loving. Listen to the voice in the back of your head which tells you, as much out of sadness as anger, “You are ugly. You are stupid. You are boring.” Give it the fleeting moment of attention it so craves, and then remind it, “Even if that were true, I’d still be worth loving.""

— Chelsea Fagan, How To Fall In Love With Yourself

Ugh

I need some relief to this loneliness.

I came home from Knoxville so I could go on vacation with my family before I start working and taking summer classes, and its been nice. However, I am about 2 days beyond ready to go back to Knoxville, and I won’t be going back til Wednesday.

I love my family, but I find myself just being stir crazy, bored, restless at home. All my friends are either in Knoxville or on the other side of the city when I am home. 

I am an introvert but god dammit, I need some people around me my age that I love. Its really frustrating and the loneliness has made me sad the past few days.

I have a 13+ hour car ride tomorrow, and I am already melancholy about things. I have to get up at 5 am to leave, but I just do not care to get rest. I don’t care about much right now.

This hurts.

Adjust

It has come to my realization that I might come across as objectifying women when I go crazy over my favorite female celebrities/celebrity crushes/fanboying/etc. A friend told me that, and I really did not want to hear it. That is the last thing I want.
I used to be very reserved about things like crushes or just in general. Somewhere along the way I have strayed from that, and I think it would be better for everyone not to know what I am thinking (as opposed to "oh, Nikko is crazy about blank").
I think I will start refraining my outward reactions to seeing shows or movies or any situation with these crushes as well as cut back on reblogging things about them. I do not support the objectification of women at all, and I certainly do not want to come across like I do to them or any other women. The women in my life are very important and I am not interested in doing anything against them or any other women.

She

I really just want to find that person for me.

My heart aches sometimes with the amount of love I have inside me for that special girl that I am waiting on.

I worry I might explode.

When I find her, I am going to make her know she is loved more than just her beauty and her physical attributes. 
I will fall for her soul and she will fall with mine.

And I will never let to of that infinite happiness that I feel just loving her.

I will treasure her like nothing else on this world.

I know she is out there.

I hope to be patient while waiting to find her.

I love you.

Ell and Dean

Talks with my two girls like last night make my life. I'm known to be over dramatic and exaggerate, but I'm not in this situation.
Talking to them about life makes me feel like everything's gonna be alright.
And it will.

Friends

Thinking, I realize that I have a lot of friends. A lot.
But the friends that really show to me they care are the ones that ask me how I am doing. I have a lot of great friends that don't really ever ask about me. Do they assume that because I am there I must be okay? Or does it not cross their mind?
The friends that ask me something about me out of the blue, that reach out to me, that include me in conversation, sends me a text randomly, or calls me just to say hello, those friends are the ones that make the difference in my life.

Sorry World

So much rejection this week.
Its ridiculous.
I feel like the world doesn't want me.
Two job offers failed.
One externship fell through.
Two living situations fell through.
As well as numerous other things in my life.

But I am not going anywhere.
So this is awkward.....

Maybe

I will just sell plasma and live out of my car this summer.

Todayayay

Things that have gone wrong today:
1. Got a 76 on my a paper that really didn't deserve to get that on.
2. Let a girl lead me on who has been leading me on forever.
3. Sat in class from 8-5.
4. Had some self esteem issues; will I ever be socially adequate enough?
5. My plans to live with my good friend over the summer feel through and I'm sad and stressed about remaking living arrangements.
6. Spent some time today thinking about my lack of love life, while sitting in a room with essentially 75 beautiful girls, so that didn't help.
7. Future worries.

Things that are good about today:
1. I freaking breathed the breathe of life. Isn't that great?

Letter to Myself

You have a lot on your mind.
You want it all right now, and you are impatient.
You idealize the perfect wife, the perfect life, the perfect family.
You ache and ache for it all, but you forget what is here now for you.
Friends.
Education.
Freedom.
Less responsibility.
Youth.
Health.
You appreciate all these things, but you forget one day you will be in love with that perfect girl, and have kids, and whatever crosses your mind.
But will you miss the times spent thinking ahead?
Will you miss the time you spent finding yourself, growing comfortable with who you are?
Sit.
Be comfortable in where God has you right now.
You are here for a reason.
Here, geographically.
Here, in this given time period.
You are a 21 year old man, who is in just the right place.
You are not just where you need to be,
you are where you are needed to be.
God needs you now, and just realizing this is light years better than a lot of the people your age.
He has plans, plans for you, to reward you, to build you up, but first you have things to do for him. Its not an exchange. Its not a trade off of tasks. Its God's plan.
His masterplan.
Sorry, I usually capitalize that.
The Masterplan.
It hurts sometimes being uncomfortable with where you are at in the sequence of The Masterplan.
But that is what being his vessel is all about. Peter was not comfortable. Joseph was not comfortable. Paul. John the Baptist. The Apostles. They were uncomfortable too. They wondered, "why can't God's plan for me be as simple as marrying her, and being a father to my children." It hurts, and its hard. God knows. But he also knows a lot more than you do.
A lot more than you can know. That is why it is called The Masterplan, capital T, capital M.
Be comfortable where you are.
You know you are not left alone.
You do not forget that.
You just get antzy, antzy in the unknown.
Find comfort in the uncomfortable nature of The Masterplan.
You are not lost, you are not flailing around in life.
You are not just a sentient being on one of many planets in many solar systems or many galaxies.
You are his child.
And he knows how you are best used.
Find comfort in the unknown.
His Masterplan is unwinding.

Things I learned from yesterday

1. I love Sheldon and Meghan. A lot.
2. I am very thin skinned and people hurt my feelings easily.
3. Whereas I have maintained the attitude that that's okay for a while, last night I felt like its a negative.
4. I'm kinda terrible sociably in large groups. I thrive when I am alone or in groups of 4 or less.
5. My body posture doesn't equate my feelings.

Sleep Ovah

I have been blessed with two wonderful friends that have just come into my life this year. The two are a couple, the guy a year younger, and the girl two years younger, but who really counts?
Anyways, these two are just the kind of friends that I wanted in my life.
They both make me feel super important to them without trying, and I know that I matter to them. I don't have my usual concerns of "where I stand" with these two. I know that I am their best friend and they are mine.
I joke around a lot about "third-wheeling," crashing their time together, but they are different in that they always seem to want me to third wheel. They welcome it. It makes me feel so special. Its not about me, but affirmations, especially ones that go unasked for, are super important to me in friendships.
So naturally, me wanting to be around them as much as possible, and since I don't have a ton of time in the week due to nursing school, the three of us are having a sleep over on Friday. I cannot wait. I picture in my mind the three of us in pj's on my bed with good music playing/good movie playing, drinking good (or bad?) booze, and talking about things deep inside of us normally.
I am so excited. I hardly ever make plans with friends because a) I am the busiest of all bee's, and b) I an introvert that doesn't know how to be socially active.
 But this is promising. I love my favorite couple. They are the best.

Vlogging

I watch a few vloggers and comedians on Youtube (Charles Trippy, Source Fed, Phillip DeFranco) and I think I really want to start vlogging my life. These people have been doing it for a few years, every day, and I know I can't do that. But, I vlogged from my phone on Thanksgiving while in NYC, and I really enjoyed doing it. I looked back on the videos I made and besides the quality (which I know how to fix) I loved them. They were great memories and that is what I want to do vlogging for.

Charles Trippy is probably my favorite vlogger, and he basically carries a few cameras around with him and films his day to day life with his wife, Alli, and their two dogs, as well as fun stuffs with friends. I really wanna do this! Its really funny and interesting to have all this stuff from their life recorded for future viewing. I feel like I know these people from watching their 8-10 minute daily episodes!

My plan is start to doing this, but not as much as they do (7 days a week is too much for a nursing student). I need the support of my friends though. I need them to be willing to be filmed and try not to be camera shy. I know how intimidating it is to have a camera thrown in your face (my dad is an amateur photographer/videographer, so I am not new to it at all), but I really am not trying to embarrass or anything like that. I just want to be able to look back when im old and fragile and think of the best times of my life. I will probably start doing this a little over break, to work the rust of my old video hinges, but I will keep people updated.

Bible

I love my Bible app.
I have started to read the Bible from the beginning, Genesis 1. I decided on a 90 day plan, fully expecting it to take longer than that, but what the heck.
Its been a long while since I have opened a Bible beyond looking for a certain quote at any given time. But to sit down and learn something new? Its been a while.
I am doing this because I am trying to remember how it felt as a kid.
Let me illustrate this a little better.
When I was five, I was sent to the principal's office one day, but it wasn't for any bad behavior on my part.
I was in kindergarten in my Catholic grade school, and my teacher let us color anything.
I was absolutely in love with Catholicism, the stories, the saints, with God Almighty.
So I imagined the most perfect thing my mind could muster: heaven.
I drew literally the most detailed drawing of heaven that a 5 year old boy with no artistic talent could manage.
My teacher was blown away when I turned it in. She took the drawing to the office to show the Dominican sister what I had drawn. The school called my mom, and my mom came in during her lunch break, a little confused.
The four of us talked, and though I don't remember anything about the conversation, I remember them doting on me for my extreme belief and love of God and the Bible.
I tell this to illustrate the kind of faith I always want to have.
My faith is doing great right now.
But I always look back on that time of my life as my model for my faith.
The splendor, the awe, the love I felt at that time of my life was unlike anything I have ever felt, and I always try to strive to feel that way again.

This Modern Love

I heard this song for the first time in a while today. 

It used to make me sad because I thought I would never have the kind of love I dream of.

But when I heard it today, I felt satisfied for once. Instead of thinking of the people I haven't met, the girl of my dreams that is nonexistant at this point in my life, I thought of something else.

I thought of all the great people that I am close to right now.

And that this modern love of ours, this love we are expected to go for, isn't always the best kind of love.

I will use initials so as not to embarrass any friends, but I think of simple things about my friends that make we wanna burst out in love for them. MD always pushing me to be better even though I hate it in the moment; she knows I hate it but she pushes me regardless. LM listening to me way more than I needed to put on her at certain times this year. EV for being my best friend ever, for understanding everything I have been through, and for never questioning the mistakes I made, but again for understanding. 

For GH, being my boy, for knowing me more than probably anyone I am around that often. For all the people that make me feel so very special. Not in the sense that I am flattered a lot. But just in the sense that I wake up every day feeling like I deserve his love, and that I am important! 

I think it is so hard to feel important being one of 8 billion people on a single planet in this universe, but these people make me feel like I am of vital importance to humanity.

They make me realize what I bring to this life, and I am completely satisfied with myself with their help.

I would truly be happy to die for any of them, and thats what love in essence is to me.

So, yeah, maybe I have never found that modern love that we all look for, and I'm never gonna not be looking or hoping it is around the corner. 

But I am content and happy and enflamed with the love a 1000 hearts for these people.

That love is forever, that love is not fleeting.

Feels Great

Despite realizing that
Hey, my pants feel a little tighter
or
my face looks decently filled out
and recognizing the distant fears
that come up in me.
Feeling that fear and noticing it.
Calling it out by name.
But
Recognizing that fear for what it is
And realizing that
I am healthy for the first time in
three plus years
That feels just
great.

One Day

One thing has always been consistent.
Love doesn't fail.
How many times have I seen acts that make me question humanity?
How many times have I gone a whole day and seen anger, hatred, jealousy, and frustration in the people I see?
And how many of those times have I, just when I am about to say "That's it. Humanity sucks, we are the worst. We are monsters," and love prevails. One act of kindness on a rainy, cold day. It can make up for 500 days of anger, wrath, evil.
I notice these things, every day, walking on the street.
This past week, I have seen a guy speed past another driver in anger, a guy complain about an annoying classmate. I have seen a group of freshman making fun of a guy that is different in the courtyard. I turn on the news, and we are constantly arguing over politics, over nuclear weapons, over endless things. There are constantly reports of shootings in schools, violence against women, rape, you name it.
Human beings have an innate ability to really suck.
But the same ability, the same capacity to hate, to kill, rape, destroy, they use that ability to love.
Its all in our hands.
We are such amazing creatures because in an instant, we have the choice to break down, catabolize, destroy each other.
Or
We can build each other up, we can love, we can invest in each other and in our happiness. Not my happiness; our happiness.
We are all together; we are all a team.
A team does not function without cohesion and mutual respect for one another.
Love is the only thing that keeps me, keeps us going.
500 days of hatred, yet only one day of love makes the world turn; it makes it all worth living.

2/24

I take pride in my sensitivity and concern for others.
I am loyal, to the end.
I am consistently concerned about others, especially my friends.
I hate being told that I am otherwise.
Because its just not true.
And it hurts.









But its whatever, because I know its not true, and I know how I really feel and how I really care.

All I Want

I listened to this great song by the Forecast earlier. The lyric goes "All I want, all I want, is a little place of our own where I can rest my head." Don't we all? I mean seriously, what a true and accurate lyric of what I want.

That, plus a 2-3 hour life discussion with a good friend of mine earlier this week got me thinking what I want in life. I really just want five things.

1. I want to fall in love

2. I want be the world’s best husband

3. I want to have kids and be the world’s best dad

4. I want to love my job.

5. I want to teach my kids to love like I have learned to love.

That’s about it. Fill in good times and bad times in between as necessary.

Regret

Utter feeling of regret.
I am lucky, it doesn't always affect me.
But lately, it hits me and it really really is unfortunate.
I'm by no means sad, it doesn't get me that down.
But it sucks.
I wish I hadn't messed up.
I wish I had had the balls to give it a chance.
Instead I let fear take over and I ended it before it had the chance to be something great.
My reasons feel invalid.
She would have made me happy and I her.
Now, I don't even see her hardly.
Just saw her today for the first time in a while, and man it was heaven.
But I just wish I took more time to think about things and not acted so soon.
I messed it up and it probably will never be again.
Damn.

Hmmmm.

Letter to a Friend

Have you ever had a friend that you felt really really close to and you feel like you close your eyes and open them and its months later and they don't care about you any more?

If yes, do you ever stop and think about "What did I do wrong to make this person lose interest in me?"

Like, what did I do? I am not a different person from four months ago. I am the same Nikko, and you are the same person as well. So why have I lost the good friendship that I cherish so much from you?

You are a great person, and I love you, but you don't even seem to like me anymore. I almost feel like you just tolerate me because we share friends and its expected. Is that how it is? If so, I will relieve myself of your effort, and you do not have to flatter me any longer.

I am sorry if I did anything to upset you or if I am just not good enough for you.

Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is Valentine’s day. 
Am I going to be upset because I am alone, single, without a significant other? 
No. 
Tomorrow, I am going to take advantage of that and make it a day for myself. 
I am going to be completely selfish tomorrow. 
Not a selfish asshole, but selfish in a healthy way for myself. 
I work til 3 tomorrow and then the rest of the day is for me, unless something else comes up that sounds fun. 
That sounds like a pretty great Valentine’s Day to me. 

Two Friends

I just wanna take this moment to thank two friends out there who I really appreciate this weekend for specific reasons.

Friend number one, on Friday, invited me out to a bar with some people that I never really considered close friends or even people with a positive outlook on me. She pushed me, and made me feel so uncomfortable about coming that I couldn't say no. I fought her passive aggressively about it the whole time and was no happy camper, but I realized looking back on it, that she was doing it for one person: me.

She was being an excellent friend and I really appreciate that moment, but more so her part in my life. This friend is not only someone who pushes me (which I value so much in friendship, no matter how much I fight it), but she also is an excellent role model in faith, she is a woman of love through action, and she is one of the most comfortable people in her own skin. I truly love her and love her friendship and its moments like these that make me positive she will be my friend when we are both fat and old and have kids that go to school together.

Friend number two. I hung out with her Saturday and something she usually says came up. She always tells me "Nikko, have faith in God." When she said that, I wasn't frustrated, but I had to tell her that I do! I do believe and have faith in Him. I really do. But that is not my point in bringing it up. My point is, friend number two is always there to keep my spiritually responsible. She doesn't let me slack in my faith ever. I love it. Not that I always need it, but I do sometimes need the reminder that she brings me. I feel like I am a man of strong faith, but she blows me away with her faith. She is a true role model to live a Catholic and Christian life. I hope by the end of my life I can have the faith she has right now at 19. Don't you ever give up on me!

These two friends are just two of many of the people that are vital to my life, and I hadn't seen much of either of them lately and wanted to shout out for them. I love them both. God Bless.

Bal Shem Tov

This song. Just read the lyrics and listen along.

"Bal Shem Tov"

Matisyahu

On a day when a man was born, up from one world to another

I don't know who you are, even when we face each other

When I wake up I know you're here this is everything that you've done

I've got nothing to fear cause the battle's already been won.

[Chorus: x2]

This is the time of divine favor

Sublime love cuts like a razor

Burning up our fear and pain

Ascend in fire like a laser beam

Search heaven and the seven seas

The answer lies inside you

You know it won't come easy

You've got to find your own truth

When I returned to the lower garden

I saw many souls living and dead

Rushing back and forth 

Descending from one world to the next 

The joy was to great for ears to hear or for words to express

All will be forgiven for our stolen time & debts

Ask me to come with the 

Cause of the glory of your contemplation

You’ve been given eyes to see

Looking for a prophet to accompany me

A long lost soul alone

Fly with my very own set of wings

I reached the highest heights 

Knocking on the door of the king of kings

[Chorus: x2]

This is the time of divine favor

Sublime love cuts like a razor

Burning up our fear and pain

Ascend in fire like a laser beam

Search heaven and the seven seas

The answer lies inside you

You know it won't come easy

You've got to find your own truth

It’s your life to live

And I can’t live it for you

It’s your time to give

And I can’t give it for you

It’s your fear to lose

And I can’t lose it for you

Death or life so choose

And I propose it for you 

So Find your word of truth

You got to find your word of truth

It’s your life to live

And I can’t live it for you

It’s your time to give

And I can’t give it for you

[x2]

Search heaven and the seven seas

The answer lies inside you

You know it won't come easy

You've got to find your own truth

Why I Haven't Watched Silver Linings Playbook Yet

I am too scared to watch Silver Linings Playbook, because I am scared I will not be able to control myself viewing Jennifer Lawrence and her awesomeness, beauty, perfect acting, raw emotion, and just her face. I don’t think I can take it. I might explode.

My Passion on Healthcare

I have found that I have a serious passion for fixing the currently fucked up healthcare system.
The healthcare system currently aids the insurance companies and not the people seeking healthcare. Low income and lower socioeconomic-classed peoples get lower quality healthcare because they do not have the money to afford it. They are poor because they cannot afford proper education, transportation and health services among other things. But is it the chicken or the egg? Poor education leads to lower incomes which leads to inability to make proper health choices (diet, lifestyle, higher stress, etc.) which ultimately leads to poorer health; these people are caught in an endless cycle.

Not to mention, healthcare nowadays is not what it should be. I hope that I live long enough to see the popular term of "healthcare" change to "health promotion/disease prevention." That's what we should working towards. Do you realize how expensive and time-consuming it is to treat a 60 year old man with congestive heart failure in the hospital setting? A lot. Do you know how much it costs to teach that same man 40 years earlier about the risks of heart disease, and no I don't mean make a website about cardiovascular disease, I mean really teach. Get out in the community, make learning fun. Help these people realize what it takes to prevent disease and that it can be enjoyable with a healthy lifestyle. I guar an-damn-tee you that it costs significantly less to effectively teach people ahead of time than focus on management of symptoms and complications associated with completely preventable disease.

My favorite saying about this goes:  "An ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure." Think of all the money we would save if we changed our system. Millions, billions of dollars. We would have a happier and healthier community, and maybe the job description of a nurse today would change completely.

Ramblings

I am at a great place.

Can I just take the time to point out how far I have come this year? No more avoiding events that would make uncomfortable, in the environment that is triggering me to act in ways I used to that weren't healthy. 

Fear doesn't leave, but the fear is no longer suffocating, lung-clenching, impairing my every day life. I can breathe, just like Jack from Lost, for 5 or 10 seconds, and return myself to the situation with a new ease. 

I have been told time and time again this semester from people that mean soooo much to me that they notice a huge difference in me this year in the best way possible, and I can't even begin to express my excitement and happiness to hear what they say. They say I look healthy, well, and happy, most of all happy.

And I am. I am very happy. I cherish so many friendships that are the utmost quality. I feel like I could write a book on all the most important people, with each of them getting their own chapter. I think it could be a legit book too, not just some 10 page essay or something. They are my rock, my everything, and I would gladly die for any of them to live another day. 

I really, really am happy, and I am closer to God than I have been in a while. This is not to say I wasn't earlier; on the contrary I was very close to God over my hard times. I just have a huge appreciation for being close to God and happy at the same time.

I do have that usual wish for a significant other, that I think will never escape me, but lately I am realizing I am wanting her for different, better reasons than I have had before. Where as I may have wanted her for selfish reasons, for me, I want her for her sake. I want someone to be intimate with, someone I can trust, and confide in with things that I never even speak of, not even on this blog. I want someone I can love with all my heart. This person and my relationship goes beyond what our physical bodies hold, but rather what is inside those bodies: our souls.

And, not too mention, on a non-deep note, someone I enjoy to be around and have fun with (because not everything my age has to be about intimate, deep, Notebook-esque love). I want someone I want to play FIFA with and someone wants to share the little loves of her life with too. 

That's what I want. That's what I have always wanted. But for once my happiness does not rely on that hope. It would just be nice. Very nice. That's all I have to say. Love.

Whole Lotta Love

A lot of my female friends started talking today about Valentine’s day, because it is coming up in the next couple of weeks.

Most of my friends are in relationships, but the others are doing some “Gal-entine’s Day” getogether type of thing. It sounds great. But I also wish I had that. Because I don’t. Because I am a guy, I can’t ask them if I can join, even though some of them are my best friends. I don't have a significant other either.

So where does that leave me? Alone on Valentine’s Day, its sounding like. Forever alone. Yikes. 

I may have to go buy myself a milkshake and be my own date this year. Most years, I try my best to forget its that day, but who am I kidding? Im not 12 any more. I am almost 21 and it does matter to me. 

I am happy with the single life, but this day of the year reminds me of what I am missing out on and it sucks. 

Life Lessons

Today's life lesson is particularly difficult.

The right thing isn't always the easiest thing. That's why it is so important that you do the right thing, no matter how easy it would be not to.

That's all.