Plans

It has come to my attention that I am terrible about making plans. A friend let me know that. She didn't say it like that and its no big deal, I'm not really upset. Its just a bummer to realize I never make plans with certain friends. I hate that. I thought about it and I really don't know why, but I feel so unable to make plans. Like its something so easy to do but I cant do it. I feel like I am boring. I am scared of being rejected. I assume that if other people haven't sought me out, they don't really wanna hang, so I stick with my boy Greg and my good friend Rachel, both of whom I am attached at the hip with. So those are my top three reasons I never make plans but I really cant pinpoint why I don't. I don't know. It makes me sad talking about this because I feel terrible at being social and maintaining good friendships. I am going to try to be better though.

Change

No more complaining. I'm going to find satisfaction in the littlest things. "Have a better attitude." I will, I will. Positive thinking, any time I can muster it up. Smile and you just might trick yourself into meaning it. I am who I am and I am quiet and observatory, a good listener and empathetic. I'm not gonna be upset because I can't satisfy the cool friend characteristics of that life of the party friend. I am who I am and can't be anything else. So I will be quiet, and I will be the bestfriend do can ever be, and take satisfaction in doing good for the people I love. That's all.

Weekend Update

1. I checked my weight at home to see where I was at. I maintained! Haven't lost any weight. I havent gained any, but maintaining at 141, thats a good thing for me.

2. Talked to my bad about some things going on with me. He told me something I never knew. He told me that being a good friend and going under-appreciated by some (not all!) people runs in your genes. He told me what makes me a good person is that I would be a good person no matter what, whether it goes noticed or not.

3. He also said that with certain specific friends, I may be seen as loyal and a stable friend, and maybe thats why certain friends don't bother or don't seek me out or don't even try. I don't know how I feel about that. My most loyal and stable friends are the ones I cherish the most.

4. Still actively trying to suck it up and play my part, accept my role with my friends. Its hard but I am trying to accept it. My role: loyal, die-hard friend, that will do anything for any of my friends, who wants to hear what you have to say and feel how you feel too. I wanna be there for you, my friends. Just because I am not included or apart of "the cool group" doesn't mean I am doing anything wrong. My quality of friendship does not rely on my inclusion with things.

5. On top of being a good friend like I talk about before, I am trying to remind myself every morning "Act like Jesus would today..."

6. Bible verse of the week: “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”- Psalms 37:4

That's all. Happy Domingo all!

Things I Think

Things I think:

1. I'm not defined by:

• What people think about me. Whether your a friend or not, whether you think something positive or something negative about me, your opinion does not have any weight in the definition of Nikko Lane. This holds especially true for friends that really treat me like shit. I am officially in the world of none shits given about people's opinion.
• My thoughts. Thoughts are simply thoughts. They are not actions or words. Thoughts cannot necessarily be controlled, but you can channel them. There are a whole mess of disorders, including eating disorders that are fueled by negative thoughts. Those thoughts are not me, and when one can separate themselves, like I am, from them, you can distance yourself from some thoughts. Notice them for what they are, and move one without them on your back.
• What I eat. Simple. Food is as simple as this: "Man, I am tired and my stomach needs some fuel! I better eat... hmm that sounds good omnom." Food is not this: "Oh man I am hungry, but I can't be, I can't eat that or that or that, because its apparently bad for me. There is a lot of (fat, carbs, sugars, calories here)."

2. I'm defined by:

• My actions and words (or lack of words).
• My good-natured personality
• My selfless mindset
• My loyalty to my friends
• My faith

3. I think that maybe I should be satisfied with who I am. Maybe I am not the friend that every single one of my friends always want to be around, or be goody-goody friends with everyone. Maybe I'm not the person people call to make plans, or maybe I am not the person friend A has something to say to. Maybe I am the best friend I can be, and I am still not anyone's go to. Maybe I am just the good friend that is here to listen when you need me. Maybe I am quiet and slightly introverted, and maybe that isn't always praised in society, but maybe that's okay. Maybe I need to trust that I am valued and not hold myself to standards of how other people are treated. Maybe I broke a record on how many times I say maybe in this paragraph?

4. I think that pastelling is fun. I totally suck, but I don't really care. Its not about being good. I just want to pain things that I see when I shut my eyes. That's what I do.

5. I think of my future wife every day. Someday, maybe I will meet her, God will reveal her to my life. Or maybe there isn't one. I tend to think there is, but whether there is or not, maybe I am just supposed to be alone for now. I mean I am used to it, you know?

6. I think that I wanna do some research on Baha'i. That faith base sounds amazing and interesting. It intrigues me, and I want to always be learning.

All I've Ever Wanted

Seriously, I am studying right now, listening to spotify Lion King. The song "This Land" just came up. Its so fucking beautiful, it gives me chills, goosebumps, and even that lump in your throat when you love someone so much. Now, all I can think of is lying in bed, snuggling with the thought of my future soul mate, the one I haven't been blessed with yet, and watch that masterpiece of a movie. God, I am so sappy and sentimental, but you made me that way. Also, its raining, so that doesn't hurt the mood. Love it. I love you, wherever you are, whenever I meet you, I love you!

The Big Five

All my girl friends are discussing something in Bible study this week. The focus is on the five things that, if we die tomorrow, we would be ready to let go because we were satisfied in these big five things in our life. This is right up my alley, so I made my own Big Five. Here it goes: 

1.  I want to directly save a life. Not like do something that helped someone helped someone help someone help someone, but actually directly save a life. I am talking like hands deep in blood. Extra points to someone that is really important to me.

2. I want to feel the love I feel for God for another person, and receive it back. The kind of love that is like, I love you so much that I selflessly offer what I want to better that person, to make her happy. The kind of love that makes me a better man, and makes me want to be the best me.

3. I want to do some work for change for people with eating disorders. I would like to maybe give talks or something of advocacy. Too many people suffer from eating disorders, and not only is it life threatening, it threatens quality of life. This is too important to me not do something about.

4. I, want to make a big influence on all my friends lives. Not like, “Oh, he is such a good guy.” I mean the very specific, remember me influence on my friends.

5. I want to be a dad and teach my kids all the important things in life. Besides the obvious reasons of fatherly love for my kids, I want to spread my goodness to my kids, teach them what I have learned, and watch them start their own, good lives.

A Prayer

O Holy Spirit, beloved of my soul, I adore You. Enlighten me, guide me, strengthen me, console me. Tell me what I should do; give me Your orders. I promise to submit myself to all that You desire of me and to accept all that You permit to happen to me. Let me only know Your Will.
Amen.

Numbers

Going home this Friday all I can think of, besides my family, my puppies, my home, I think of checking my weight. For the first time I think I can remember, I want to go home, jump on the scale, and see the scale show I gained some weight, if not maintained it to say the least. I feel like I am eating more and eating more substantial foods. I feel less exhausted like last year, and I feel like I am in a good place. The number on the scale doesn't make or break how I am doing right now, but God, it would really be some objective proof of my recovery and improvement. I wanna see it. I am excited at the thought that I could. I pray that it does. Pray for me too!

9/15

Update on my life GO:

1. Nursing school is good. I am a little nervous after this past clinical. My friend got yelled at today and my instructor said he was not prepared. It made me nervous that I wasn't prepared either. I am starting to get scared the closer I get to going to clinicals and working with real patients. I so badly want to be a good provider of healthcare for these people. There is nothing I more than that. God, bless in my actions, and pave the way for me to care for others like I am meant to do.

2. I have the biggest urge right now to buy canvas and paint and start painting. I am obsessed with abstract expressionist art, among other art forms. I have been looking at Klimt, Matisse, de Koonig, and Hoffman a lot lately. I wanna try and paint. Express myself. I have never done it before, and am not very talented.  But who cares? I like the style and I wanna try. I am addicted to color, and I want to make some fine creation.

3. I want passion in my life. I want to love this girl and to be loved. I want the intimacy that I get from a meaningful relationship. But I fail at that, so I naturally feel inclined to let myself be used in a fling. I know I won't do that. But its still frustrating. Granted, I do feel like I have these four friends, one guy, and three girls, all special in their own way, that are my best friends. And maybe my best friends can be the love of my life. Maybe I can dedicate myself completely to them. I love being there for them. I picked one friend up from the football game today because she was dehydrated and blacking out and needed me to help her home. I was so happy she called me and more than happy to  come and get her. I love being there for her, and maybe thats what I am supposed to be. Best boyfriend or best bestfriend? Who knows?

4. I miss my dog. Kilo. God. I look at him every time I open the phone. I love that dog. I also miss my family and can't wait to see them next week.

I thought I had more to say, but I guess not. That's all folks. I'm doing well, hope you are too. God bless.

Matthew Six

^{Matthew 6: 25-34}


 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Do Whatchya Wanna Do

Something I realized.

In the past I was always worried about doing what I want to do and how people felt about it. I would go to things that I didn't feel like and end up wishing I hadn't.

This year, though, I am pretty damn happy. I am not doing that any more. I know now that I can go where I wanna go, say what I want to say, and do what I want to do. Thank you Grouplove ala "Chloe."

Now granted, some of these things I should go to. Like mass for instance. But I have a good relationship with God. So its not a problem of faith or anything, its other things.

Or hey, maybe I don't want to go to all the football games here at school. I love football, and love watching the games. But maybe I don't wanna spend 10 dollars on the ticket, and maybe they are a hassle sometimes? Can I help how I feel? No, I can't.

Whereas last year, I would have probably disregarded what I wanted to do for others, I am not so concerned. I am my own individual, and if people can't be okay with me for how I feel about something so trivial, its not worth it.

Just a thought!

Everything

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear."- Jack Canfield

Roles

One of my biggest beliefs is that friends, especially groups of friends, are a team. Like a family is a team, a group of friends is a team. Everybody has their specific role to play on the team. There is the life of the party, there is the comedian, etc etc. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have found or realized my role with my team of friends.

As frustrating as the single life is, it is the chicken (or is it the egg) to my role, being the egg. Being single may be a result of this, or it may be a cause, but my role right now with my friends is to be the absolute best friend I can be. To make myself available to my friends any time of the day or night. To listen with open ears and an open heart. I listen with out judgement, and offer an empathy and understanding that every single person needs. I may have a large numbers of friends that are girls, and I have no girl interest in my life right now. That is frustrating for me that I don't have any success with girls, but it also makes me feel really glad that I can be their for my friends, girls and guys alike.

This doesn't mean I have any plan of action with my frustrations in love, but until it fixes itself, I get to transmit all the love I have to give to my friends, who need me and my good qualities. That is what I can offer them, and I am in love with being the best friend I can be to them. Absolutely in love.