Money and finances are such a recurring theme lately in my life. My parents are constantly worried about paying finances, people I hang with are constantly talking about jobs or lack there of, and how they need one to get money.
I had been thinking lately that I really hate money. I mean sure, I love the things money can bring. The simple things, like food, proper clothing, and other various necessities, I absolutely love and appreciate daily. But all I can think of is how much I don't care if I have it. I can acquire almost an unlimited amount of material things in this world with money, but as I think about it, the things I want, money cannot buy.
Money cannot get me past this struggle I deal with daily. I could acquire all the money in the world, and that problem would continue to haunt me all the same. In the same logic, I could have absolutely no money, and could work hard to fix my problem. I think I know which path I would choose.
Additionally, there is so much that I want in this life than money and my struggle to end. I want the Lord. I want to be holy, to be a vessel for His love. I want to hear, to know, and understand the nature of His love, and somehow, spread it to others, especially those who do not experience many forms of love, who long for belonging and more. I want to be His advocate for these people, the unspoken souls of the world, close and far away.
Money cannot bring this to me. Money is paper, with various inks and stamped numbers and lettering, that we accept as something of great value. But I refuse to accept this as truly great value. True value is something that cannot be printed and distributed to the masses. It cannot be devalued, it cannot lose value or have its value inflated like the dollar. The things I seek in life have true value, that goes untouched from worldly matters.
I cannot help but think of Trident Layers gum commercial. "Of course you can pay me in gum!" Well instead of gum, instead of money, could I just do my life's work (whatever that may be, though I think I am seeing it unfold before me) and be paid in connections to the Lord and his children? Of course you can pay me in that!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Francis de Sales
My good friend sent me this on my birthday (serendipity?) and it was exactly what I needed. Like a doctor's prescription for a nasty virus. Seriously. I read this quote daily now. It keeps me going and gives me faith in the worst of times.
St. Francis de Sales encouraged spiritual growth in souls but warned of the temptation of discouragement from failings and shortcomings along the path toward holiness.
“Be patient with everyone, but, above all, with yourself,” he wrote, as noted in Golden Counsels of Saint Francis de Sales. “I mean, do not be disturbed because of your imperfections; always rise bravely from a fall. ... There is no better means of progress in the spiritual life than to be continually beginning afresh and never to think we have done enough.”
It is safe to say this is why I love her. She is SUCH a good friend. I wish I could be better about letting her and other friends know that. I hope she (among other friends) knows how much they help me with my struggle. They may feel like they are a help, but they have no clue how much they mean to me, especially in my lowest times.
St. Francis de Sales encouraged spiritual growth in souls but warned of the temptation of discouragement from failings and shortcomings along the path toward holiness.
“Be patient with everyone, but, above all, with yourself,” he wrote, as noted in Golden Counsels of Saint Francis de Sales. “I mean, do not be disturbed because of your imperfections; always rise bravely from a fall. ... There is no better means of progress in the spiritual life than to be continually beginning afresh and never to think we have done enough.”
It is safe to say this is why I love her. She is SUCH a good friend. I wish I could be better about letting her and other friends know that. I hope she (among other friends) knows how much they help me with my struggle. They may feel like they are a help, but they have no clue how much they mean to me, especially in my lowest times.
Monday, February 27, 2012
I love you, Shredder.
Each and every one of us that goes to bed tonight, in a comfortable bed, and wakes up tomorrow morning, is so extremely blessed.
I say this because my dad's best, and one of his only true friends, Allan, passed away this weekend. I just found out today from my dad. He was pretty upset. Allan had been suffering for a while with his sickness. Not only was he sick, but he was from New Orleans and had a lot of losses when Katrina hit. This was going to be his last week of health coverage for his illness, and he and his wife were not going to be able to pay for any of his care. My dad has been worried about him for sometime. He would always tell me about how he wished he could win the lottery and put some money away for Allan's healthcare costs. He said it is a crying shame that people spend thousands of dollars on things like Superbowl tickets, among other things, when his friend, Allan, could use every dime of that to help possibly save his life.
I feel really bad for my dad. I want him to know that he always has a friend in me. Yes, he is my father, the man who wiped my baby bottom from day one, the man who taught me how to ride a bike, the man who grounded me when I said my first curse word. But he is more than that. He is one of my best friends in the world. I go to him about everything, not just when I need some money or wanna go do something. I go to him for advice, to tell him a funny joke, to tell him what I did today, just like I would a close friend.
Right about now, he is feeling sad. I know he is. He is feeling like he is alone, and friendless, because he doesn't have a lot of quality friends outside of co-workers (which he says he tolerates, honestly). But I know him. Everywhere we go, he is such an amazing people-talker. Whether its the grocery store, or Wal-Mart, or the soup kitchen to volunteer, my dad can talk the heads off of complete strangers. Where as I always feel dreadfully awkward talking to strangers, he has this natural ease with strangers, it is unlike anything I have ever seen before. He shows complete strangers the utmost interest in their lives, in what they have to say, in what they are feeling, even if only for the 30 second (or less) interaction he has with them.
That is what I will remember my dad for. And that is why I am blessed. I have the world's best father, and I just hope and pray he knows that. I hope he realizes how much of a blessing he is, and does not let himself feel too lonely.
I will end this with a small story. Its pertinent, though it might not seem it at first. When I was three, I was obsessed with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The bad guy in TMNT is Shredder. He wears a silver mask over his mouth, long story short. Anyways, one day, I went into my dad's room and he was sleeping. My Mah told me to go in there and "wake your daddy up." So I went in there and got real close to his face. He opened his eyes and asked "What's up, Nikko Lane?" I always thought his silver haired goatee made him look like Shredder. I grabbed his cheeks with my hands and I said "I love you, Shredder."
I really do.
I love you, Shredder.
I say this because my dad's best, and one of his only true friends, Allan, passed away this weekend. I just found out today from my dad. He was pretty upset. Allan had been suffering for a while with his sickness. Not only was he sick, but he was from New Orleans and had a lot of losses when Katrina hit. This was going to be his last week of health coverage for his illness, and he and his wife were not going to be able to pay for any of his care. My dad has been worried about him for sometime. He would always tell me about how he wished he could win the lottery and put some money away for Allan's healthcare costs. He said it is a crying shame that people spend thousands of dollars on things like Superbowl tickets, among other things, when his friend, Allan, could use every dime of that to help possibly save his life.
I feel really bad for my dad. I want him to know that he always has a friend in me. Yes, he is my father, the man who wiped my baby bottom from day one, the man who taught me how to ride a bike, the man who grounded me when I said my first curse word. But he is more than that. He is one of my best friends in the world. I go to him about everything, not just when I need some money or wanna go do something. I go to him for advice, to tell him a funny joke, to tell him what I did today, just like I would a close friend.
Right about now, he is feeling sad. I know he is. He is feeling like he is alone, and friendless, because he doesn't have a lot of quality friends outside of co-workers (which he says he tolerates, honestly). But I know him. Everywhere we go, he is such an amazing people-talker. Whether its the grocery store, or Wal-Mart, or the soup kitchen to volunteer, my dad can talk the heads off of complete strangers. Where as I always feel dreadfully awkward talking to strangers, he has this natural ease with strangers, it is unlike anything I have ever seen before. He shows complete strangers the utmost interest in their lives, in what they have to say, in what they are feeling, even if only for the 30 second (or less) interaction he has with them.
That is what I will remember my dad for. And that is why I am blessed. I have the world's best father, and I just hope and pray he knows that. I hope he realizes how much of a blessing he is, and does not let himself feel too lonely.
I will end this with a small story. Its pertinent, though it might not seem it at first. When I was three, I was obsessed with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The bad guy in TMNT is Shredder. He wears a silver mask over his mouth, long story short. Anyways, one day, I went into my dad's room and he was sleeping. My Mah told me to go in there and "wake your daddy up." So I went in there and got real close to his face. He opened his eyes and asked "What's up, Nikko Lane?" I always thought his silver haired goatee made him look like Shredder. I grabbed his cheeks with my hands and I said "I love you, Shredder."
I really do.
I love you, Shredder.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Lovely Cup
I am so obviously Catholic.
This song makes me think of Jesus. And it is amazing, because the song is all about a girl that makes the singer feel full and whole. That girl that completes him.
Your such a lovely cup, why don't you fill me up.
Is it sad that Jesus is what I think of?
I am in love.
Sigh.
This song makes me think of Jesus. And it is amazing, because the song is all about a girl that makes the singer feel full and whole. That girl that completes him.
Your such a lovely cup, why don't you fill me up.
Is it sad that Jesus is what I think of?
I am in love.
Sigh.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Car Ride Home pt. 3:
So, same car ride right?
I am terrible at holding my bladder, because I am pretty much always hydrated. I had to stop somewhere to use the bathroom.
I went into a local gas station, and went to the bathroom. I finished, and could use a drink, so I grabbed a diet Coke and went to pay for it.
The cashier was an elderly woman of at least 50 or 60. She had a cross around her neck, which was the first thing I noticed (why I don't know). I then noticed she was sitting down on a stool. She had no lower limbs. It was not grotesque or anything, just surprising to see.
She must of saw me glancing because she asked me if I was christian myself, and I responded "Catholic," kindly. We talked casually while she ringed me up, and I am curious, so I naturally asked her what happened to her legs, if it wasn't weird of me to ask. She said, "Not all, dear." She told me that she lost her legs in a terrible car accident.
She went on to tell me the horror of the event, and that it was hard afterwards. I told her she must have amazing courage to go through that ordeal. She told me it was the strength of the Lord that got her through. She said she realized that day how blessed she was to survive the crash, and she never lets a day go by without praising the Lord for keeping her alive that day.
This all made me realize how blessed I am. I have legs, arms, hands, a heart, and a great pair of lungs. I have great family and friends. I have had my struggles, but I am a blessed child of God, and need to count my blessings a little closer.
Thank you, Lord.
I am terrible at holding my bladder, because I am pretty much always hydrated. I had to stop somewhere to use the bathroom.
I went into a local gas station, and went to the bathroom. I finished, and could use a drink, so I grabbed a diet Coke and went to pay for it.
The cashier was an elderly woman of at least 50 or 60. She had a cross around her neck, which was the first thing I noticed (why I don't know). I then noticed she was sitting down on a stool. She had no lower limbs. It was not grotesque or anything, just surprising to see.
She must of saw me glancing because she asked me if I was christian myself, and I responded "Catholic," kindly. We talked casually while she ringed me up, and I am curious, so I naturally asked her what happened to her legs, if it wasn't weird of me to ask. She said, "Not all, dear." She told me that she lost her legs in a terrible car accident.
She went on to tell me the horror of the event, and that it was hard afterwards. I told her she must have amazing courage to go through that ordeal. She told me it was the strength of the Lord that got her through. She said she realized that day how blessed she was to survive the crash, and she never lets a day go by without praising the Lord for keeping her alive that day.
This all made me realize how blessed I am. I have legs, arms, hands, a heart, and a great pair of lungs. I have great family and friends. I have had my struggles, but I am a blessed child of God, and need to count my blessings a little closer.
Thank you, Lord.
Car Ride Home pt. 2: Love is Enough
The car ride to Nashville gave me a lot of time to think. I needed it. This past week was terrible, one of my worst in a long while. I have felt lonely, and unable to really understand why.
At first I thought it was because not long ago, I was slightly rejected by a girl I like. I hate using that term, because it makes it sound harsher than it was. She is still such a close friend, and I have no hard feelings whatsoever. In fact I understand the situation completely, but that is a different story altogether.
I played along with this possibility though, until I saw to many holes in the theory. I asked myself, if this girl actually liked me and things were completely different right now between us, would that change the feelings of loneliness for me? My resounding answer was no, it would not. The loneliness I feel occurs even when I am around the people I love, when we are all having good quality time together. Its not because I am longing for this idealistic relationship with a certain girl.
The car ride gave me time to really hash out what it was that was causing this loneliness. I couldn't figure it out for the longest time, but I think I have finally come to it. The reason I am feeling so alone lately is not because of a relationship I don't have, quality friends that I don't have, or quality time with those people. The thing I am missing is that I am alone in understanding where I am at. I have confided in a number of people my situation and the struggles I have been going through, and they are all people I trust. I have two people in particular that I go to of this group to talk about these things, my best friend in the world, and the girl that "rejected" me. I feel completely comfortable going to them any time and talking about it to them.
But I am still alone. I know these people would do anything they can for me, and are sincerely concerned about me. They love me to death. I know this. They would do anything they could to help this situation. But they also haven't been through what I have, and don't necessarily understand fully where I am coming from. If they could help me fix my problems, they would, because that is the kind of people they are. But they can't because they are people too, not miracle workers, and they can only do so much. I appreciate them for loving me and always being there for me the way they are, but to expect them to understand where I am coming from one-hundred percent is unrealistic and unfair.
That is why I have been feeling lonely. At the end of the day, when I am dealing with my issues, laying down to sleep, facing all my demons, I know that it is just me in this really. Just me, the demons I face, and God. I love my friends and appreciate all they can do for me, but it is my recovery and my struggle. I hate it, but they can only do so much, and I should be content with all they can give me.
Their love is enough, and it took me a while to realize that.
More from this car ride to come.
At first I thought it was because not long ago, I was slightly rejected by a girl I like. I hate using that term, because it makes it sound harsher than it was. She is still such a close friend, and I have no hard feelings whatsoever. In fact I understand the situation completely, but that is a different story altogether.
I played along with this possibility though, until I saw to many holes in the theory. I asked myself, if this girl actually liked me and things were completely different right now between us, would that change the feelings of loneliness for me? My resounding answer was no, it would not. The loneliness I feel occurs even when I am around the people I love, when we are all having good quality time together. Its not because I am longing for this idealistic relationship with a certain girl.
The car ride gave me time to really hash out what it was that was causing this loneliness. I couldn't figure it out for the longest time, but I think I have finally come to it. The reason I am feeling so alone lately is not because of a relationship I don't have, quality friends that I don't have, or quality time with those people. The thing I am missing is that I am alone in understanding where I am at. I have confided in a number of people my situation and the struggles I have been going through, and they are all people I trust. I have two people in particular that I go to of this group to talk about these things, my best friend in the world, and the girl that "rejected" me. I feel completely comfortable going to them any time and talking about it to them.
But I am still alone. I know these people would do anything they can for me, and are sincerely concerned about me. They love me to death. I know this. They would do anything they could to help this situation. But they also haven't been through what I have, and don't necessarily understand fully where I am coming from. If they could help me fix my problems, they would, because that is the kind of people they are. But they can't because they are people too, not miracle workers, and they can only do so much. I appreciate them for loving me and always being there for me the way they are, but to expect them to understand where I am coming from one-hundred percent is unrealistic and unfair.
That is why I have been feeling lonely. At the end of the day, when I am dealing with my issues, laying down to sleep, facing all my demons, I know that it is just me in this really. Just me, the demons I face, and God. I love my friends and appreciate all they can do for me, but it is my recovery and my struggle. I hate it, but they can only do so much, and I should be content with all they can give me.
Their love is enough, and it took me a while to realize that.
More from this car ride to come.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Car Ride Home pt.1: Anthem
So many thoughts on my 3 hour 45 minute car ride home from school today. Lots of much needed time to think. I have a few things to talk about, and will dedicate a blog post to each of them.
The first is important to me.
I was listening to my music on my stereo. A song from one of my favorite artists came up. The song is one I have heard a lot, but had obviously not given it much deep thought until today. I listened deeply and intently to the lyrics, and focused on nothing else besides the road and the words. It was a beautiful realization I had at how much the song applies to my life.
The song is called "Shake It Out" by Florence & the Machine, and I realized while listening to it, that it has got to be the anthem to my recovery and my struggle.
Listen to the song. I promise it won't disappoint. My favorite quote from the song is "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off." This applies to my situation completely. My struggle has been the devil on my back. I have been trying to dance freely for so long, and the struggle has been the devil latched on, keeping me from doing so. I really just gotta shake it off, but sadly it is not that easy. I am working hard at it, and making progress. But boy, I cannot wait to dance again.
"Its always darkest before the dawn." I feel like this could be true for me. I have been in such a dark place over the past couple years and I feel like its the dark before the dawn. It may not be immediate, but the sunrise may be on the horizon in the close distance. I can feel its warmth creeping up on me.
Please listen to the song. I almost cried listening to the lyrics that closely on the way home. I had to play the song a second time to let it sink in. I hope others can understand where I am coming from with this and feel some empathy to my situation. I love you for it.
The first is important to me.
I was listening to my music on my stereo. A song from one of my favorite artists came up. The song is one I have heard a lot, but had obviously not given it much deep thought until today. I listened deeply and intently to the lyrics, and focused on nothing else besides the road and the words. It was a beautiful realization I had at how much the song applies to my life.
The song is called "Shake It Out" by Florence & the Machine, and I realized while listening to it, that it has got to be the anthem to my recovery and my struggle.
Listen to the song. I promise it won't disappoint. My favorite quote from the song is "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him off." This applies to my situation completely. My struggle has been the devil on my back. I have been trying to dance freely for so long, and the struggle has been the devil latched on, keeping me from doing so. I really just gotta shake it off, but sadly it is not that easy. I am working hard at it, and making progress. But boy, I cannot wait to dance again.
"Its always darkest before the dawn." I feel like this could be true for me. I have been in such a dark place over the past couple years and I feel like its the dark before the dawn. It may not be immediate, but the sunrise may be on the horizon in the close distance. I can feel its warmth creeping up on me.
Please listen to the song. I almost cried listening to the lyrics that closely on the way home. I had to play the song a second time to let it sink in. I hope others can understand where I am coming from with this and feel some empathy to my situation. I love you for it.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Two Things
Two things on my mind today:
First, I have been lonely as hell lately. I see people and am not isolated an my opinion, but even around my friends I feel lonely, at times. This whole week, I have felt really sad, down about this loneliness. I have been moody and sulky. I cannot help it. But today, I decided, loneliness is apart of growing up. Unless you are with a co-dependent, significant other, which most of us aren't, I am going to be lonely at times. Some people will be more than others, and maybe I am just one that is lonelier than others. It still affects me all the same, and I am still sad about it, but I have all but decided I am going to get used to it. I am going to suck it up, and learn how to live lonely. I will be better for it, I hope.
Secondly, I read a tweet from a cancer patient. She has lost all her hair due to the chemo. It gave me some perspective on my life. She said, "Now that I'm a month into chemobaldness, I'm entering the Not A Single Fuck Was Given phase of self-image on that. It's like: yo. I'm alive." I want to take up this attitude about how I look. Don't get me wrong, I want to be healthy, so I will still eat healthy and workout regularly. I will wear my hair the way I do because its comfortable that way, and I will wear the clothes I wear because its comfortable and what I like. But otherwise, I don't want to put any effort into it. I don't have the energy to fucking care anymore. I am alive, and have a working heart and pair of lungs. I wake up every day and waste so much time caring about how I look, wishing I could be someone else, or wishing others would love me, and I am sick of wasting my time. If I could tear the mirrors in my room down I would, because I hate them. They are some of my worst enemies. Here's to the Not-A-Single-Fuck-Was-Given attitude.
Cheers.
First, I have been lonely as hell lately. I see people and am not isolated an my opinion, but even around my friends I feel lonely, at times. This whole week, I have felt really sad, down about this loneliness. I have been moody and sulky. I cannot help it. But today, I decided, loneliness is apart of growing up. Unless you are with a co-dependent, significant other, which most of us aren't, I am going to be lonely at times. Some people will be more than others, and maybe I am just one that is lonelier than others. It still affects me all the same, and I am still sad about it, but I have all but decided I am going to get used to it. I am going to suck it up, and learn how to live lonely. I will be better for it, I hope.
Secondly, I read a tweet from a cancer patient. She has lost all her hair due to the chemo. It gave me some perspective on my life. She said, "Now that I'm a month into chemobaldness, I'm entering the Not A Single Fuck Was Given phase of self-image on that. It's like: yo. I'm alive." I want to take up this attitude about how I look. Don't get me wrong, I want to be healthy, so I will still eat healthy and workout regularly. I will wear my hair the way I do because its comfortable that way, and I will wear the clothes I wear because its comfortable and what I like. But otherwise, I don't want to put any effort into it. I don't have the energy to fucking care anymore. I am alive, and have a working heart and pair of lungs. I wake up every day and waste so much time caring about how I look, wishing I could be someone else, or wishing others would love me, and I am sick of wasting my time. If I could tear the mirrors in my room down I would, because I hate them. They are some of my worst enemies. Here's to the Not-A-Single-Fuck-Was-Given attitude.
Cheers.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Map of the Problematique
I promised myself I would blog today after I got some work done. So here it is.
The past couple days, maybe week or so, I have had this feeling that has gotten me really down. I am normally have a positive outlook, but this feeling has really turned this dynamic upside down. I have been feeling very lonely lately.
This is not to say that I haven't been around people this week. I still see my friends, and enjoy their interactions. I had my younger brother visit me for an extended weekend. I had plenty of interaction with others. Its not that I have been isolated, to myself, for the past week. On the contrary, my feelings of loneliness have come up despite these facts. I have been in situations this week where I am with large groups of people, people I love and feel comfortable with, but I still feel a feeling of loneliness, when thinking big-picture.
Normally, people associate loneliness with isolation or lack of good friendships, but as I have said this is not the case. I have great friends. My two best friends are the kinds of blessings I could not have dreamed of in another world. The first, my brother, is my equivalent, minus three years. He understands me on so many levels and can relate to me in many different ways. He knows what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what my humor is, and what makes me sad. He has been with me his whole life, and has seen me at my best and worst times. He has always been a door (if not closer) down from me. The second, is a dear friend that I really have grown close to the past few years. She is my go to girl, and I feel like I am the same for her, like I am her go to guy. Whenever something upsets me, or I have a good idea, I go to her, and she can share in my sadness or my enthusiasm. She knows me so well, she can tell how I am feeling even when I act like she can't. ("Nikko, what's wrong? Don't tell me nothing is wrong.) She is a constant motivator for me in my faith, and a really holy person. I love her for that.
No, see this loneliness is not because I have a lack of quality or quantity of friends. I cannot pinpoint why I am feeling lonely, but I am. I feel like at the end of the day, I am alone in this world. Why am I feeling this way? I know I am not, for the Lord is always with me, but the feeling does not leave me. Something interesting I have thought of about this loneliness I feel is that there is some good from it. Call it the chicken or the egg, but it has allowed me to do some of the things I do daily. I am an extremely hard worker when it comes to school work, and I dedicate so much time to my studies. This has allowed me to flourish in school, but if school was the only thing that accounted for my happiness and feelings, I wouldn't be typing this, and you wouldn't be reading this (assuming anyone is).
I recognize I have had issues with self-image and longing for a meaningful relationship (or still do), but my loneliness is not from this. I do not think that being in a relationship would fix this loneliness, just like I do not think it is the cause of it either. I am so confused by all this, I really cannot figure out what is causing these feelings. But all I feel like doing right now is getting through this week, and going home to my family, and trying to feel better. The only thing is, I have this feeling that I know that won't fix my problem either.
I am praying, and will continue to pray to Lord. I ask for guidance from the Holy Spirit and the community of Angels to guide me in this rough patch I have come across. I know I cannot do it alone.
This is a song by my favorite band, Muse, that is a good song for my feelings lately. Enjoy.
The past couple days, maybe week or so, I have had this feeling that has gotten me really down. I am normally have a positive outlook, but this feeling has really turned this dynamic upside down. I have been feeling very lonely lately.
This is not to say that I haven't been around people this week. I still see my friends, and enjoy their interactions. I had my younger brother visit me for an extended weekend. I had plenty of interaction with others. Its not that I have been isolated, to myself, for the past week. On the contrary, my feelings of loneliness have come up despite these facts. I have been in situations this week where I am with large groups of people, people I love and feel comfortable with, but I still feel a feeling of loneliness, when thinking big-picture.
Normally, people associate loneliness with isolation or lack of good friendships, but as I have said this is not the case. I have great friends. My two best friends are the kinds of blessings I could not have dreamed of in another world. The first, my brother, is my equivalent, minus three years. He understands me on so many levels and can relate to me in many different ways. He knows what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what my humor is, and what makes me sad. He has been with me his whole life, and has seen me at my best and worst times. He has always been a door (if not closer) down from me. The second, is a dear friend that I really have grown close to the past few years. She is my go to girl, and I feel like I am the same for her, like I am her go to guy. Whenever something upsets me, or I have a good idea, I go to her, and she can share in my sadness or my enthusiasm. She knows me so well, she can tell how I am feeling even when I act like she can't. ("Nikko, what's wrong? Don't tell me nothing is wrong.) She is a constant motivator for me in my faith, and a really holy person. I love her for that.
No, see this loneliness is not because I have a lack of quality or quantity of friends. I cannot pinpoint why I am feeling lonely, but I am. I feel like at the end of the day, I am alone in this world. Why am I feeling this way? I know I am not, for the Lord is always with me, but the feeling does not leave me. Something interesting I have thought of about this loneliness I feel is that there is some good from it. Call it the chicken or the egg, but it has allowed me to do some of the things I do daily. I am an extremely hard worker when it comes to school work, and I dedicate so much time to my studies. This has allowed me to flourish in school, but if school was the only thing that accounted for my happiness and feelings, I wouldn't be typing this, and you wouldn't be reading this (assuming anyone is).
I recognize I have had issues with self-image and longing for a meaningful relationship (or still do), but my loneliness is not from this. I do not think that being in a relationship would fix this loneliness, just like I do not think it is the cause of it either. I am so confused by all this, I really cannot figure out what is causing these feelings. But all I feel like doing right now is getting through this week, and going home to my family, and trying to feel better. The only thing is, I have this feeling that I know that won't fix my problem either.
I am praying, and will continue to pray to Lord. I ask for guidance from the Holy Spirit and the community of Angels to guide me in this rough patch I have come across. I know I cannot do it alone.
This is a song by my favorite band, Muse, that is a good song for my feelings lately. Enjoy.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I Pray
God,
I know that I have talked a lot about not focusing on relationships, and on "soul searching." It is true, I have refocused myself, and am trying not to seek out a relationship. I don't feel like I sought one out much before, but I am certainly not now.
But Lord, I cannot help but wish I had more confidence. I wish I could feel like I am worthy of a great relationship. Even if now is not the time for that, fine. I would just love to feel the confidence and self-esteem that I am worth more. I wish I did not have to constantly remind myself I have value, and I wish that this came easy for me like it seems to for others.
I know now is not the time for the life-changing relationship that I so long for, but I would love to feel like the reason I haven't been presented it is because of me, but rather something like my age, or where I am at in my life.
God, please give me a sign, send me some help from your angels and saints. I could really use your help right now to feel a love for myself that is similar to your love your me. I struggle to love myself the way I am, Lord, and I know you are the only one who can help me with that now.
I know that I have talked a lot about not focusing on relationships, and on "soul searching." It is true, I have refocused myself, and am trying not to seek out a relationship. I don't feel like I sought one out much before, but I am certainly not now.
But Lord, I cannot help but wish I had more confidence. I wish I could feel like I am worthy of a great relationship. Even if now is not the time for that, fine. I would just love to feel the confidence and self-esteem that I am worth more. I wish I did not have to constantly remind myself I have value, and I wish that this came easy for me like it seems to for others.
I know now is not the time for the life-changing relationship that I so long for, but I would love to feel like the reason I haven't been presented it is because of me, but rather something like my age, or where I am at in my life.
God, please give me a sign, send me some help from your angels and saints. I could really use your help right now to feel a love for myself that is similar to your love your me. I struggle to love myself the way I am, Lord, and I know you are the only one who can help me with that now.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Mere Christianity
“The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether. Your real, new self (which is Christ’s and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring a two pence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”
--C.S. Lewis
--C.S. Lewis
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
I am so sick of this.
I am not here to complain about my struggles. I am not here to complain about what God has tested me with. I am here to just express my shear and utter weariness of it. Please, if you are reading, do not think of me whining this post. I am more of just shrugging it through the keyboard. I am writing this because I don't think people understand how hard this is, and I can only blow off some of this steam by writing.
Maybe its just because the weather lately has taken a turn for the colder, but I hate how my body can no longer produce its own heat. My body feels like a plastic bag in a wind storm when it drops below 45 degrees. I cannot take it. I am bone-chillingly cold.
I hate how my body has become because of what I have done. I have never had good self-esteem, and never been happy with how I look. Now, I am unhappy in even more aspects of I look. First, I was too big. Now, in some ways I am too small. I am never going to be enough for myself am I? I know I value myself too much in my physique as it is, but man I wish I could just let it go.
I cannot take feeling trapped in myself at times. I have made great strides away from this, but this problem is never completely solved or settled. I hate how I can beat myself down mentally through this struggle. I hate how I can tell myself "No, this is bad. How could you?" to something that others do all the time without feeling guilty or thinking anything of. I hat the constant thought that goes into all things about this struggle. Where as other people give no thought at all to this, I am so micromanaged when it comes to this aspect of my life.
I hate that I hold myself to different standards than everyone else. I hate feeling like my goals and the things I need to do to get better feels like mountains. I hate how unorganized and sporadic this post is, but man it is just really irritating and bugging me.
This is one of those times were resolving an issue can come later. For now I am good with just letting my thoughts sit.
I am not here to complain about my struggles. I am not here to complain about what God has tested me with. I am here to just express my shear and utter weariness of it. Please, if you are reading, do not think of me whining this post. I am more of just shrugging it through the keyboard. I am writing this because I don't think people understand how hard this is, and I can only blow off some of this steam by writing.
Maybe its just because the weather lately has taken a turn for the colder, but I hate how my body can no longer produce its own heat. My body feels like a plastic bag in a wind storm when it drops below 45 degrees. I cannot take it. I am bone-chillingly cold.
I hate how my body has become because of what I have done. I have never had good self-esteem, and never been happy with how I look. Now, I am unhappy in even more aspects of I look. First, I was too big. Now, in some ways I am too small. I am never going to be enough for myself am I? I know I value myself too much in my physique as it is, but man I wish I could just let it go.
I cannot take feeling trapped in myself at times. I have made great strides away from this, but this problem is never completely solved or settled. I hate how I can beat myself down mentally through this struggle. I hate how I can tell myself "No, this is bad. How could you?" to something that others do all the time without feeling guilty or thinking anything of. I hat the constant thought that goes into all things about this struggle. Where as other people give no thought at all to this, I am so micromanaged when it comes to this aspect of my life.
I hate that I hold myself to different standards than everyone else. I hate feeling like my goals and the things I need to do to get better feels like mountains. I hate how unorganized and sporadic this post is, but man it is just really irritating and bugging me.
This is one of those times were resolving an issue can come later. For now I am good with just letting my thoughts sit.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Letter to the "Third World" Child
Dearest child,
I write this to you today because I want you to know that you are thought of. Your days are long and hard and your nights are often restless. You are hungry, and do not have adequate food or water supply. You are weak and tired, because you have no bed to sleep on. Your state of living makes you weary, and you wonder daily if anyone knows how things are for you. You wonder if anyone cares. I want you to know that there are people in this world that do. I am constantly thinking of you, the children that go needy, living in the so-called "third-world." You are loved, and your suffering is known. Just because no one acts, does not mean no one knows.
The way I see it, there are two problems that contribute to your suffering. First, people in the "first-world" either know of your struggles and choose not to act on your behalf, or they sincerely are ignorant to the state you are living in. Neither is any better than the other, but it is such a destructive fact for you, and I hate it. Secondly, the problem lies in that I believe many people in your world (I hate talking like this, we are all one world!) have never felt the love that I have felt. This love I speak of is not from a significant other, or a friend. It is not the love from a brother or sister, though it is similar to the love a father or mother has for their child. It is the love of the Lord, and his love is grand.
I want you to know, dearest child, that help is on the way. I, personally, will be there as soon as I can. It kills me a little each day knowing that you are going without aid, and even some of your fellow children die, as the world goes on with their lives, completely ignorant to it all. I wish I could be there sooner. I wish I could be there now. But right now, I am taking the next two years to finish school. Besides a degree in nursing, I am trying to equip with myself with the things I will need to be the most help I can be to you. I am training to become a nurse because you and your family and friends need help. Your conditions are poor, and it is no fault of your own, but I will be there soon to help you back to health in any way I can. I am also harnessing my writing ability. I hope that by doing this, I can attack the head of the first problem I mentioned earlier. By honing my writing skills, I can document your life and struggle and make it known to the people of the "first-world", in the hopes that they will act as well. Lastly, I am finding out more and more about myself and the faith I have in the Lord each day. My relationship with the Lord is strong, and I will bring His love with me when I come. I will show you his love through something you are not familiar with, sadly. By example. I will show you His love in my actions, and smother you in His love.
I am sorry I cannot be there sooner. Two more years. I promise you, just two more years. Allow me to make myself stronger for you. Allow me time to make myself a vessel for His love to travel upon. Stay strong, child, and know that the Lord loves you. You are His child, and he is watching over you.
Sincerely,
Nikko
I write this to you today because I want you to know that you are thought of. Your days are long and hard and your nights are often restless. You are hungry, and do not have adequate food or water supply. You are weak and tired, because you have no bed to sleep on. Your state of living makes you weary, and you wonder daily if anyone knows how things are for you. You wonder if anyone cares. I want you to know that there are people in this world that do. I am constantly thinking of you, the children that go needy, living in the so-called "third-world." You are loved, and your suffering is known. Just because no one acts, does not mean no one knows.
The way I see it, there are two problems that contribute to your suffering. First, people in the "first-world" either know of your struggles and choose not to act on your behalf, or they sincerely are ignorant to the state you are living in. Neither is any better than the other, but it is such a destructive fact for you, and I hate it. Secondly, the problem lies in that I believe many people in your world (I hate talking like this, we are all one world!) have never felt the love that I have felt. This love I speak of is not from a significant other, or a friend. It is not the love from a brother or sister, though it is similar to the love a father or mother has for their child. It is the love of the Lord, and his love is grand.
I want you to know, dearest child, that help is on the way. I, personally, will be there as soon as I can. It kills me a little each day knowing that you are going without aid, and even some of your fellow children die, as the world goes on with their lives, completely ignorant to it all. I wish I could be there sooner. I wish I could be there now. But right now, I am taking the next two years to finish school. Besides a degree in nursing, I am trying to equip with myself with the things I will need to be the most help I can be to you. I am training to become a nurse because you and your family and friends need help. Your conditions are poor, and it is no fault of your own, but I will be there soon to help you back to health in any way I can. I am also harnessing my writing ability. I hope that by doing this, I can attack the head of the first problem I mentioned earlier. By honing my writing skills, I can document your life and struggle and make it known to the people of the "first-world", in the hopes that they will act as well. Lastly, I am finding out more and more about myself and the faith I have in the Lord each day. My relationship with the Lord is strong, and I will bring His love with me when I come. I will show you his love through something you are not familiar with, sadly. By example. I will show you His love in my actions, and smother you in His love.
I am sorry I cannot be there sooner. Two more years. I promise you, just two more years. Allow me to make myself stronger for you. Allow me time to make myself a vessel for His love to travel upon. Stay strong, child, and know that the Lord loves you. You are His child, and he is watching over you.
Sincerely,
Nikko
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Adieu pt. 2
Something lately has been reoccurring and showing up again and again in my life. But what made me think of this was a song that I love. Easily, this song is one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time. I even wrote a blog post about it in November of last year. The song is titled "Adieu" by Enter Shikari. In my original post about this song, I talked about how the lyric "Home could be anywhere that I am holding you" really sums up my feelings about family, friends, and especially that girl of the future that is going to be perfect for me.
But the reoccurring thing about this all, is that I have had multiple conversations lately with multiple people, specifically two of my best friends in the world. One, my best friend, and the other, a girl that I had been interested in for a while. In both my discussions I have had with them, the message I take away is simple. I couldn't say it any other way other than...
People my age today are so focused on finding the love of their life, when really the truest love of their life is right in front of them. He has been there all along, and will always be there, no matter what. Open your eyes to Him, Nikko. It is through him alone that you will find a greater love for yourself, and in turn, a love for another person unlike no other.
I take that message to heart. I have been listening to their conversations with me in my head over and over again, reminding myself of it all, and keeping that attitude. But when I heard Adieu the other day, I had an additional thought. Home could be anywhere that I am holding you. It is so perfect. Yes, my literal home, in one place with family is truly home. My home at college, with my second family, is truly home. But could home be Him? Well, of course it is. I mean duh. Why hadn't I seen this before? Home truly is anywhere that I am holding onto God. All the support, safety, and comfort of a real and wordly home is really felt, and not just felt, but magnified, in His presence.
I have goosebumps typing this, and that doesn't happen often. I also have that lump in your throat, the kind I really only get if I see an emotional, romantic scene in a movie that I love. And that is thinking of Him in that light. Maybe I truly am finding the person I need right now, the one I can love. With the love of the Lord, and the great friendships I have here, I can really do this. I can start to love myself, and ultimately fix my struggles.
For your listening enjoyment, love.
But the reoccurring thing about this all, is that I have had multiple conversations lately with multiple people, specifically two of my best friends in the world. One, my best friend, and the other, a girl that I had been interested in for a while. In both my discussions I have had with them, the message I take away is simple. I couldn't say it any other way other than...
People my age today are so focused on finding the love of their life, when really the truest love of their life is right in front of them. He has been there all along, and will always be there, no matter what. Open your eyes to Him, Nikko. It is through him alone that you will find a greater love for yourself, and in turn, a love for another person unlike no other.
I take that message to heart. I have been listening to their conversations with me in my head over and over again, reminding myself of it all, and keeping that attitude. But when I heard Adieu the other day, I had an additional thought. Home could be anywhere that I am holding you. It is so perfect. Yes, my literal home, in one place with family is truly home. My home at college, with my second family, is truly home. But could home be Him? Well, of course it is. I mean duh. Why hadn't I seen this before? Home truly is anywhere that I am holding onto God. All the support, safety, and comfort of a real and wordly home is really felt, and not just felt, but magnified, in His presence.
I have goosebumps typing this, and that doesn't happen often. I also have that lump in your throat, the kind I really only get if I see an emotional, romantic scene in a movie that I love. And that is thinking of Him in that light. Maybe I truly am finding the person I need right now, the one I can love. With the love of the Lord, and the great friendships I have here, I can really do this. I can start to love myself, and ultimately fix my struggles.
For your listening enjoyment, love.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Secrets of a Super Successful Introvert
I just read an article from CNN.com entitled "Secrets of a Super Successful Introvert." Now, I have never been able to tell if I am extrovert or introvert. I feel like I am way not outgoing enough to be an extrovert, but I love people and love being around friends too much to be an introvert. Having said this, I read all the secrets listed on this article, and every single last one of them described me perfectly. I got giddy reading it. The secrets they name go like this:
1. Talk deeply. "They seek out deep, serious conversations in which they can focus on a single topic of mutual interest."..... Yes. This is me for sure. My closest friends know this. I can do small talk, but its much more of a drag than talking about meaningful things.
2. Work alone. "Solitude is a catalyst for expert performance.".... Again, I love being around people. But when it comes to my school work, I hardly ever work in groups. I know how I operate under study, and I get a ton done when I study alone.
3. Read more. "Reading can be a deeply social act, putting you inside other people's minds."... If I didn't have to do school work, I would be with my friends and read all the time. I cannot get enough of good books.
4. Listen well. "It turns out that listening is key to good leadership: New research by Grant and his colleagues has revealed that introverted leaders often deliver better outcomes than extroverts, because they're more likely to consider other people's suggestions."... Once again, me. I feel like I do better at listening in a conversation than talking, and I naturally want to hear what others have to say.
5. Get away, small scale. "Minibreaks help you relax so you can gain access to your deeper feelings and insights."... Sometimes I need little spurts of "Nikko time" for me to recharge and recoup.
6. Use quiet commitment to achieve your goals. "Instead of taking strong stands in a loud voice, they make insightful suggestions in a gentle tone."... I have a lot to say, but I don't feel like I hardly ever speak up in a loud or aggressive way. I am more subtle than that.
This is so interesting and serendipitous. A nice and unexpected reflection on myself. Thoughts?
1. Talk deeply. "They seek out deep, serious conversations in which they can focus on a single topic of mutual interest."..... Yes. This is me for sure. My closest friends know this. I can do small talk, but its much more of a drag than talking about meaningful things.
2. Work alone. "Solitude is a catalyst for expert performance.".... Again, I love being around people. But when it comes to my school work, I hardly ever work in groups. I know how I operate under study, and I get a ton done when I study alone.
3. Read more. "Reading can be a deeply social act, putting you inside other people's minds."... If I didn't have to do school work, I would be with my friends and read all the time. I cannot get enough of good books.
4. Listen well. "It turns out that listening is key to good leadership: New research by Grant and his colleagues has revealed that introverted leaders often deliver better outcomes than extroverts, because they're more likely to consider other people's suggestions."... Once again, me. I feel like I do better at listening in a conversation than talking, and I naturally want to hear what others have to say.
5. Get away, small scale. "Minibreaks help you relax so you can gain access to your deeper feelings and insights."... Sometimes I need little spurts of "Nikko time" for me to recharge and recoup.
6. Use quiet commitment to achieve your goals. "Instead of taking strong stands in a loud voice, they make insightful suggestions in a gentle tone."... I have a lot to say, but I don't feel like I hardly ever speak up in a loud or aggressive way. I am more subtle than that.
This is so interesting and serendipitous. A nice and unexpected reflection on myself. Thoughts?
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Shame
I feel awful.
I hate letting friends down.
I feel ashamed, like I wanna hide from the people I hurt.
I don't feel like I ever really hurt my friends, because I generally am easy going.
But man, last night, I just really blew it.
I hate the person I was last night.
I never, ever want to be like that again.
Ugh.
I hate letting friends down.
I feel ashamed, like I wanna hide from the people I hurt.
I don't feel like I ever really hurt my friends, because I generally am easy going.
But man, last night, I just really blew it.
I hate the person I was last night.
I never, ever want to be like that again.
Ugh.
Romans
Romans 7: 14-25
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
I love this Bible passage. I struggle with exactly what Paul talks about here.... knowing exactly what is right and what is sin and being able to recognize the difference within me but still not knowing how to go about changing. I seem to struggle frequently with the same struggle that I know is not good for me. I hate this evil struggle and what it has done to me, and I recognize it is not me, but sin and that is causing me to struggle. But I also know that with the help of Jesus, I can overcome my sin and be a better me. Thanks be to God for everything I am given. I am blessed to be his creation.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Counter Culture
The term "counter culture" really irks me at times, because it makes me think of some whack-job, off the wall way of thinking. But when I think of something in particular that really sets me off lately, I can only think to call my way of thinking about this particular topic a "counter culture." Now, there are only two supposed "counter cultures" I could say that I subscribe to, the first being Catholicism. Catholicism is my faith, and being at a massive, public university like I am right now really shows me how much of a minority Catholics are. Additionally it shows me that we are not as crazy as other people make us out to be; we are just a group of people with a shared faith. But I diverge from what brought me to write, and the topic of this post is not Catholicism in a secular world.
The second "counter culture" I believe I subscribe to is this interesting way of thinking when it comes to health, eating, beauty, and body image. I was brought to write here today because, I am growing ever more tired and fed up with the constructed mindset our society has on these topics, and it really makes me sick. I do not get mad often, and I don't even know if I would call this feeling mad, but I would say that lately, I have been getting close to it when I think of it. Now, this "counter culture" mindset that I have on these topics are odd to me because I can totally recognize and see how off-the-wall and different they sound to someone listening to or reading my ideas because, hey, we have been told many things every day about these issues, and I am going steadfast against it in many ways. But I cannot feel at ease about the issues by just accepting the mindset that society has given me, and I therefore, have to, in a way, "roll with it."
Our society today puts so much on looks, appearance, the superficial nature of people. We read magazines and watch TV shows telling us directly, but more often indirectly, that "thin is in", that when it comes to eating "less is more," and worst of all, that the value of a human individual is found in how they look and appear to the masses. The value of a person, accordingly, is in what they look like, what they eat, and how much they exercise.
Let me make one thing clear. If I died today, and could say that I only learned one thing in my short, yet traveled life, I would say this: That is the farthest thing from the truth. It would be hard to explain to someone who has not been in my shoes, but in my experiences, I have learned too much about people on the inside, and what makes a person who they are. I know far too well what it feels like to be overweight, to be "healthy-weight", to be thin. I know what its like to feel like no one will ever love you because you don't look good enough. I know what its like. I have been there. My life has been a seesaw of feeling the "what it's likes" that I speak about. My experiences give me the credibility and ethos for you to trust me and believe me when I say that nothing in this world is farther from the truth.
The value of human beings is something that cannot be touched, cannot be advertised in a fashion magazine or television show. The value of you, or any other person, is found deep within you. It is something we are born with, and therefore cannot be earned, cannot be tarnished, cannot be devalued or inflated based on who we are or what our societal title is. It is the simple fact that we are human beings, made in the image of God, for this world, that gives us our value. It is the emotions we feel, the people we meet, the experiences we enjoy and the experiences we struggle through. Nothing on the outside, not the width of hips, or the stretch marks on my stomach, or the number that appears when I step on the scale, can change that.
It is because of this, that I shudder when I am with friends, and I hear one (or more) of them speak of how much they want to "get a milkshake" or "have another cookie" or anything else of that nature, but they say they cannot because "they will get fat" or they will "gain weight." It pains me to hear this! Do they not know that I would love them no matter how overweight or underweight or tall or short or albino or purple they are? Granted, I know people don't value their lives around what I think of them, but the truth of the matter is their value is not decided on whether or not they get a milkshake. Their value is God-given, not of this world, and that is why I wish they could see that.
The "counter culture" way of thinking I alluded to at the beginning of this is simply that I look at health in a different way. When it comes to health, I believe that we are all aging and we are all physically going downhill after 20. I know that I am most likely going to be heavier when I am 40 than I am today. Its like gravity. I can throw an apple in the air, and pray to the heavens that it doesn't fall back towards the ground, but it is still going to happen.
When it comes to eating, I think people should eat to be healthy. If you order a salad at a restaurant, do it because you genuinely feel like a salad, because it sounds delicious. Do not do it because you feel like you must, or your going to gain weight if you don't. None of that matters, it really doesn't. When it comes to exercising, exercise for fun, exercise for good health, exercise because its been too long since you have gotten off your lazy butt! But do not go to the gym to burn calories. That is not healthy, I do not care what Dr. Oz or anyone else says.
And finally, when it comes to beauty, its even simpler. I am me, you are you, everyone is themselves. That is what beauty is. Beauty is the fact that I am unique in my appearance, and no one else shares the exact same genetics or physical features as I do. And guess what? That applies to ev-er-y-one.
So do what you can to be healthy and eat well. But do not do it because you have to maintain beauty. Beauty, true, deep, inner beauty, like our human value, cannot be changed by things of this worldly nature.
The second "counter culture" I believe I subscribe to is this interesting way of thinking when it comes to health, eating, beauty, and body image. I was brought to write here today because, I am growing ever more tired and fed up with the constructed mindset our society has on these topics, and it really makes me sick. I do not get mad often, and I don't even know if I would call this feeling mad, but I would say that lately, I have been getting close to it when I think of it. Now, this "counter culture" mindset that I have on these topics are odd to me because I can totally recognize and see how off-the-wall and different they sound to someone listening to or reading my ideas because, hey, we have been told many things every day about these issues, and I am going steadfast against it in many ways. But I cannot feel at ease about the issues by just accepting the mindset that society has given me, and I therefore, have to, in a way, "roll with it."
Our society today puts so much on looks, appearance, the superficial nature of people. We read magazines and watch TV shows telling us directly, but more often indirectly, that "thin is in", that when it comes to eating "less is more," and worst of all, that the value of a human individual is found in how they look and appear to the masses. The value of a person, accordingly, is in what they look like, what they eat, and how much they exercise.
Let me make one thing clear. If I died today, and could say that I only learned one thing in my short, yet traveled life, I would say this: That is the farthest thing from the truth. It would be hard to explain to someone who has not been in my shoes, but in my experiences, I have learned too much about people on the inside, and what makes a person who they are. I know far too well what it feels like to be overweight, to be "healthy-weight", to be thin. I know what its like to feel like no one will ever love you because you don't look good enough. I know what its like. I have been there. My life has been a seesaw of feeling the "what it's likes" that I speak about. My experiences give me the credibility and ethos for you to trust me and believe me when I say that nothing in this world is farther from the truth.
The value of human beings is something that cannot be touched, cannot be advertised in a fashion magazine or television show. The value of you, or any other person, is found deep within you. It is something we are born with, and therefore cannot be earned, cannot be tarnished, cannot be devalued or inflated based on who we are or what our societal title is. It is the simple fact that we are human beings, made in the image of God, for this world, that gives us our value. It is the emotions we feel, the people we meet, the experiences we enjoy and the experiences we struggle through. Nothing on the outside, not the width of hips, or the stretch marks on my stomach, or the number that appears when I step on the scale, can change that.
It is because of this, that I shudder when I am with friends, and I hear one (or more) of them speak of how much they want to "get a milkshake" or "have another cookie" or anything else of that nature, but they say they cannot because "they will get fat" or they will "gain weight." It pains me to hear this! Do they not know that I would love them no matter how overweight or underweight or tall or short or albino or purple they are? Granted, I know people don't value their lives around what I think of them, but the truth of the matter is their value is not decided on whether or not they get a milkshake. Their value is God-given, not of this world, and that is why I wish they could see that.
The "counter culture" way of thinking I alluded to at the beginning of this is simply that I look at health in a different way. When it comes to health, I believe that we are all aging and we are all physically going downhill after 20. I know that I am most likely going to be heavier when I am 40 than I am today. Its like gravity. I can throw an apple in the air, and pray to the heavens that it doesn't fall back towards the ground, but it is still going to happen.
When it comes to eating, I think people should eat to be healthy. If you order a salad at a restaurant, do it because you genuinely feel like a salad, because it sounds delicious. Do not do it because you feel like you must, or your going to gain weight if you don't. None of that matters, it really doesn't. When it comes to exercising, exercise for fun, exercise for good health, exercise because its been too long since you have gotten off your lazy butt! But do not go to the gym to burn calories. That is not healthy, I do not care what Dr. Oz or anyone else says.
And finally, when it comes to beauty, its even simpler. I am me, you are you, everyone is themselves. That is what beauty is. Beauty is the fact that I am unique in my appearance, and no one else shares the exact same genetics or physical features as I do. And guess what? That applies to ev-er-y-one.
So do what you can to be healthy and eat well. But do not do it because you have to maintain beauty. Beauty, true, deep, inner beauty, like our human value, cannot be changed by things of this worldly nature.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Scrapbook
Last night was a very uneventful night.
But as I learned, uneventful does not necessarily equate unimportant.
Last night was such a good night for me.
I spent so much time in the library yesterday, studying for Anatomy, both lab and lecture. I was in there before lunch, after lunch, after class, after dinner. What a long day of studying it had been. But that is the norm for me, honestly.
When I was finally done with it for the night I knew I needed to talk to my best friend about all that had changed since we last talked. I had just come off an absolutely awful weekend, and really needed to just say what was on my mind with her. She is perfect for that, and I like to think I am perfect for her in that way as well.
After much unwinding and relaxing with my book, I went up to her room to talk with her. As it would turn out, what she had to say, and the back and forth that followed would be exactly what I needed.
I told her that I had spent the weekend wildly upset at being rejected on Thursday, and that I had a lot of mixed emotions about the situation. Part of me understood where the girl was coming from completely. She had a hard time figuring out her feelings for me until it was too late, and she had big plans for the future that does not leave a lot of room for the person I was hoping to be for her. But the other part of me had felt led on, hurt, and left to dry in the situation.
I told her that, though I was torn on the feelings, I knew which one was the logical feeling and which one was the emotional, heat of the moment feeling I had sulked in this weekend. She told me it was okay to sulk, be sad, and have my separation time to recoup. But she also wanted me to know that it was more complicated then just the girl not liking me and deciding not to tell me. My friend told me this girl had spent a lot of time thinking and discerning, and respects me enough as a person to really care about something like this enough to give it a lot of thought, much like I would do for someone else.
I told her it still hurt, but that I feel like I understand the situation on a whole new level now. We continued to talk about relationships in college among other things, and she brought up so many good points. She mentioned that sometimes in life, you just gotta give yourself a year, of absolutely, positively, not allowing yourself to search for "that somebody", and to really focus that time on (excuse me if this might not be the right wording) fixing the problems that are, as I call them, "Nikko problems." She told me the saying I had heard before that you cannot offer yourself to someone else until you completely are satisfied and content with where you are as a person. Until your issues are resolved between you and yourself, it would not be fair to the other person you are pursuing. She told me she had done that all last year and is still doing it to an extent today, and she can honestly say that she has reached a contentment with herself that she has never felt before.
This was exactly what I needed. Absolutely, without a doubt. I cannot express enough how much her talks mean to me, and these are one of those to remember. If I had a scrapbook of all the times we had these kinds of talks, this one would have its own chapter. She introduced a completely new to me outlook and attitude on the whole relationship issue, one that isn't skeptical, but is realistic and content in all manners. I now realize, I am a lot younger than I sometimes feel, and a lot changes in a little amount of time. Now is not the time for me to try to be finding "that somebody." Now is the time for me to be figuring out myself, to really soul-search, and to garnish relationships that I will treasure for a lifetime while I am at it. Not to mention focus on my schoolwork and future when it pertains to me and me alone. Lastly, and always most importantly, now is the time (as it is always the time) to be building my relationship more and more with God. I am strong in my faith, but faith has now boundaries of how strong it can become in my eyes.
I thank God daily for my friend, and for the positive influence she brings to my life. God bless.
But as I learned, uneventful does not necessarily equate unimportant.
Last night was such a good night for me.
I spent so much time in the library yesterday, studying for Anatomy, both lab and lecture. I was in there before lunch, after lunch, after class, after dinner. What a long day of studying it had been. But that is the norm for me, honestly.
When I was finally done with it for the night I knew I needed to talk to my best friend about all that had changed since we last talked. I had just come off an absolutely awful weekend, and really needed to just say what was on my mind with her. She is perfect for that, and I like to think I am perfect for her in that way as well.
After much unwinding and relaxing with my book, I went up to her room to talk with her. As it would turn out, what she had to say, and the back and forth that followed would be exactly what I needed.
I told her that I had spent the weekend wildly upset at being rejected on Thursday, and that I had a lot of mixed emotions about the situation. Part of me understood where the girl was coming from completely. She had a hard time figuring out her feelings for me until it was too late, and she had big plans for the future that does not leave a lot of room for the person I was hoping to be for her. But the other part of me had felt led on, hurt, and left to dry in the situation.
I told her that, though I was torn on the feelings, I knew which one was the logical feeling and which one was the emotional, heat of the moment feeling I had sulked in this weekend. She told me it was okay to sulk, be sad, and have my separation time to recoup. But she also wanted me to know that it was more complicated then just the girl not liking me and deciding not to tell me. My friend told me this girl had spent a lot of time thinking and discerning, and respects me enough as a person to really care about something like this enough to give it a lot of thought, much like I would do for someone else.
I told her it still hurt, but that I feel like I understand the situation on a whole new level now. We continued to talk about relationships in college among other things, and she brought up so many good points. She mentioned that sometimes in life, you just gotta give yourself a year, of absolutely, positively, not allowing yourself to search for "that somebody", and to really focus that time on (excuse me if this might not be the right wording) fixing the problems that are, as I call them, "Nikko problems." She told me the saying I had heard before that you cannot offer yourself to someone else until you completely are satisfied and content with where you are as a person. Until your issues are resolved between you and yourself, it would not be fair to the other person you are pursuing. She told me she had done that all last year and is still doing it to an extent today, and she can honestly say that she has reached a contentment with herself that she has never felt before.
This was exactly what I needed. Absolutely, without a doubt. I cannot express enough how much her talks mean to me, and these are one of those to remember. If I had a scrapbook of all the times we had these kinds of talks, this one would have its own chapter. She introduced a completely new to me outlook and attitude on the whole relationship issue, one that isn't skeptical, but is realistic and content in all manners. I now realize, I am a lot younger than I sometimes feel, and a lot changes in a little amount of time. Now is not the time for me to try to be finding "that somebody." Now is the time for me to be figuring out myself, to really soul-search, and to garnish relationships that I will treasure for a lifetime while I am at it. Not to mention focus on my schoolwork and future when it pertains to me and me alone. Lastly, and always most importantly, now is the time (as it is always the time) to be building my relationship more and more with God. I am strong in my faith, but faith has now boundaries of how strong it can become in my eyes.
I thank God daily for my friend, and for the positive influence she brings to my life. God bless.
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