I promised myself I would blog today after I got some work done. So here it is.
The past couple days, maybe week or so, I have had this feeling that has gotten me really down. I am normally have a positive outlook, but this feeling has really turned this dynamic upside down. I have been feeling very lonely lately.
This is not to say that I haven't been around people this week. I still see my friends, and enjoy their interactions. I had my younger brother visit me for an extended weekend. I had plenty of interaction with others. Its not that I have been isolated, to myself, for the past week. On the contrary, my feelings of loneliness have come up despite these facts. I have been in situations this week where I am with large groups of people, people I love and feel comfortable with, but I still feel a feeling of loneliness, when thinking big-picture.
Normally, people associate loneliness with isolation or lack of good friendships, but as I have said this is not the case. I have great friends. My two best friends are the kinds of blessings I could not have dreamed of in another world. The first, my brother, is my equivalent, minus three years. He understands me on so many levels and can relate to me in many different ways. He knows what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what my humor is, and what makes me sad. He has been with me his whole life, and has seen me at my best and worst times. He has always been a door (if not closer) down from me. The second, is a dear friend that I really have grown close to the past few years. She is my go to girl, and I feel like I am the same for her, like I am her go to guy. Whenever something upsets me, or I have a good idea, I go to her, and she can share in my sadness or my enthusiasm. She knows me so well, she can tell how I am feeling even when I act like she can't. ("Nikko, what's wrong? Don't tell me nothing is wrong.) She is a constant motivator for me in my faith, and a really holy person. I love her for that.
No, see this loneliness is not because I have a lack of quality or quantity of friends. I cannot pinpoint why I am feeling lonely, but I am. I feel like at the end of the day, I am alone in this world. Why am I feeling this way? I know I am not, for the Lord is always with me, but the feeling does not leave me. Something interesting I have thought of about this loneliness I feel is that there is some good from it. Call it the chicken or the egg, but it has allowed me to do some of the things I do daily. I am an extremely hard worker when it comes to school work, and I dedicate so much time to my studies. This has allowed me to flourish in school, but if school was the only thing that accounted for my happiness and feelings, I wouldn't be typing this, and you wouldn't be reading this (assuming anyone is).
I recognize I have had issues with self-image and longing for a meaningful relationship (or still do), but my loneliness is not from this. I do not think that being in a relationship would fix this loneliness, just like I do not think it is the cause of it either. I am so confused by all this, I really cannot figure out what is causing these feelings. But all I feel like doing right now is getting through this week, and going home to my family, and trying to feel better. The only thing is, I have this feeling that I know that won't fix my problem either.
I am praying, and will continue to pray to Lord. I ask for guidance from the Holy Spirit and the community of Angels to guide me in this rough patch I have come across. I know I cannot do it alone.
This is a song by my favorite band, Muse, that is a good song for my feelings lately. Enjoy.
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