I am so sick of this.
I am not here to complain about my struggles. I am not here to complain about what God has tested me with. I am here to just express my shear and utter weariness of it. Please, if you are reading, do not think of me whining this post. I am more of just shrugging it through the keyboard. I am writing this because I don't think people understand how hard this is, and I can only blow off some of this steam by writing.
Maybe its just because the weather lately has taken a turn for the colder, but I hate how my body can no longer produce its own heat. My body feels like a plastic bag in a wind storm when it drops below 45 degrees. I cannot take it. I am bone-chillingly cold.
I hate how my body has become because of what I have done. I have never had good self-esteem, and never been happy with how I look. Now, I am unhappy in even more aspects of I look. First, I was too big. Now, in some ways I am too small. I am never going to be enough for myself am I? I know I value myself too much in my physique as it is, but man I wish I could just let it go.
I cannot take feeling trapped in myself at times. I have made great strides away from this, but this problem is never completely solved or settled. I hate how I can beat myself down mentally through this struggle. I hate how I can tell myself "No, this is bad. How could you?" to something that others do all the time without feeling guilty or thinking anything of. I hat the constant thought that goes into all things about this struggle. Where as other people give no thought at all to this, I am so micromanaged when it comes to this aspect of my life.
I hate that I hold myself to different standards than everyone else. I hate feeling like my goals and the things I need to do to get better feels like mountains. I hate how unorganized and sporadic this post is, but man it is just really irritating and bugging me.
This is one of those times were resolving an issue can come later. For now I am good with just letting my thoughts sit.
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