The car ride to Nashville gave me a lot of time to think. I needed it. This past week was terrible, one of my worst in a long while. I have felt lonely, and unable to really understand why.
At first I thought it was because not long ago, I was slightly rejected by a girl I like. I hate using that term, because it makes it sound harsher than it was. She is still such a close friend, and I have no hard feelings whatsoever. In fact I understand the situation completely, but that is a different story altogether.
I played along with this possibility though, until I saw to many holes in the theory. I asked myself, if this girl actually liked me and things were completely different right now between us, would that change the feelings of loneliness for me? My resounding answer was no, it would not. The loneliness I feel occurs even when I am around the people I love, when we are all having good quality time together. Its not because I am longing for this idealistic relationship with a certain girl.
The car ride gave me time to really hash out what it was that was causing this loneliness. I couldn't figure it out for the longest time, but I think I have finally come to it. The reason I am feeling so alone lately is not because of a relationship I don't have, quality friends that I don't have, or quality time with those people. The thing I am missing is that I am alone in understanding where I am at. I have confided in a number of people my situation and the struggles I have been going through, and they are all people I trust. I have two people in particular that I go to of this group to talk about these things, my best friend in the world, and the girl that "rejected" me. I feel completely comfortable going to them any time and talking about it to them.
But I am still alone. I know these people would do anything they can for me, and are sincerely concerned about me. They love me to death. I know this. They would do anything they could to help this situation. But they also haven't been through what I have, and don't necessarily understand fully where I am coming from. If they could help me fix my problems, they would, because that is the kind of people they are. But they can't because they are people too, not miracle workers, and they can only do so much. I appreciate them for loving me and always being there for me the way they are, but to expect them to understand where I am coming from one-hundred percent is unrealistic and unfair.
That is why I have been feeling lonely. At the end of the day, when I am dealing with my issues, laying down to sleep, facing all my demons, I know that it is just me in this really. Just me, the demons I face, and God. I love my friends and appreciate all they can do for me, but it is my recovery and my struggle. I hate it, but they can only do so much, and I should be content with all they can give me.
Their love is enough, and it took me a while to realize that.
More from this car ride to come.
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