What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

As much as I try to play it off, or not act like it, the fact of the matter is, I am such a romantic.
That being said, my favorite Christmas song of all (if it can be called that) is What Are You Doing New Year's Eve. I am not sure who wrote it, but it hits me in the best spots possible. It is so beautiful, and such a me song. Enjoy!

Maybe it’s much too early in the game
Ah, but I thought I’d ask you just the same
What are you doing New Year’s
New Year’s Eve?

Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight
When it’s exactly twelve o’clock that night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year’s Eve

Maybe I’m crazy to suppose
I’d ever be the one you chose
Out of a thousand invitations
You’d receive

Ah, but in case I stand one little chance
Here comes the jackpot question in advance
What are you doing New Year’s
New Year’s Eve?

Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight
When it’s exactly twelve o’clock that night
Welcoming in the New Year
New Year’s Eve

What are you doing New Year’s Eve?

Ponder, Ponder

I don't have much to say in this post. I just have a little something on my mind that I feel I need to let slip through my fingertips and into this computer.

Do you ever talk to someone that you just don't get? I am going to have to rephrase that already. Basically, is there ever someone you talk to that you always feel like you need to talk to more after you part? I do. And I feel like the more I talk to this person, the more I want to know, the more I want to share with, the more I want to understand and to be understood.

Do you ever feel like you marvel at the thought of what they are thinking. Talking to this person, do you find yourself thinking "What is she thinking?"

Do you ever feel like you were so good at reading people, until you met this person, and now your not so sure?

These are some of the things I think about with this person. This may sound like me expelling my frustrations onto my blog, but its not, I can promise you. It is simply that I am amazed at these feelings right now, and I can't find a way to explain it with out writing it out. Writing usually helps me understand things I think or feel. But like this person, I am still amazed by them.

Courage Project

Yesterday was a weird day, considering it was the day after Christmas. Most years, this is the laziest day for my family. But this year was just odd. My dad had to go out of town because it was Monday, and Monday's are travel-out-of-town days for my dad, even on day-after-Christmas this year. This being said, this years day after Christmas was the opposite of years past.

Kyle, my younger brother, has been patient, but his cabin fever reached a breaking point. He asked me to drive him into town so he could see friends. I had wanted to spend day with my family since my Mah was going back to work the next day, so we all rode together to hang with his friends. My Mah and I made some errands up to waste time until he was done, and afterwards, we all wanted to see a movie. We decided on We Bought a Zoo, which I was surprised everyone would want to see it. I know I had for a while.

The movie was every bit of what I had expected and hoped for. As I had told my dear friend when describing it, "it was my type of movie." Basically, the movie hit me in all the right ways. It was very uplifting and inspiring, which is a reoccurring trait of mine. What I took away from the movie besides the great scenes that touched the romantic in me, was courage. I feel like I have been writing about courage a lot lately, or things that could use courage. Courage to seek out someone I like. Courage in situations that I fear. Courage to not falter in convictions about myself, to not forget my own self value.

Matt Damon's character talks towards the end of the movie about how it sometimes takes "20 seconds of insane courage" for something great to happen. He said that, I my mind instantly raced to my own life. I thought, "How many times have I been in a situation in which I needed courage, and I was inches from something great, something truly great, but failed to act? How many times did I choose to stay comfortable instead of testing the waters? How many times have I let my fears of outcomes dictate my decision to go for something truly wonderful? It may seem like no big deal in that moment of decision, but how different would things be for me if I had taken risks and been courageous a handful of times in the past.

This thought, and this movie came at the best time for me. Its amazing how things work like they do, but the past few weeks, I have been trying to take small, yet steady steps to being more courageous. Its funny to say it like that because courage has connotations of big, extravagant acts, like saving someone from a burning building. But for me, its on such a small scale, yet so important to me. These past weeks, I have been trying to face situations that call for courage head on, and sit in my discomfort, and in a way wait it out. Sometimes the situations aren't always comfortable, but I am finding, in little ways, that if take a small step of courage, I can get something good out of it.

I am going to continue taking these steps, and gradually do it on greater scales. I am sort of calling it my Courage Project. It is a personal thing, but I hope I can see results from it in aspects of my life like with people I want to be around, fears I have, and decisions I make. I feel positive about things to come from this project, and I think by giving it a name, though its not official, it will hold me accountable to it. More on this later for sure.

Masterplan

Its interesting, life. In any given situation, you assume that things will play out exactly the way you expect it to. Yet, how often does life really happen like that? According to plan? Psh'aw! I can count on my hand the number of times life went according to plan in the past couple of years.

No, no, no. It does not work like that. Rather, life presents you with things that at first glance you shrug off, take for granted, or perhaps don't even notice. The things that get you going on the right path in life are usually subtle. Yet, its these little subtleties, that no matter how spontaneous, can really change things for you. They may be the littlest of things, but they can impact you in big ways.

Yesterday was rough for me, and I had something really bugging me, really eating at me and I wasn't in any mood to talk to anyone about it. I let the bugging persist, and I went to sleep without settling what was bugging me. This is always a bad idea for me, especially added to the fact that I did not get a good night's sleep last night. I woke up crabby as ever, in a worse mood than I was in the day before. But what woke me would alter the rest of my day, even though I didn't know it at the time.

I had no alarm set, and even though I am not the type to sleep in all morning, I definitely was not ready for what woke me. My dad had climbed the stairs to my room to wake me up, I am guessing because I hadn't seen him all week, thanks to work related travel (week of Christmas, I know!). I tend to curl up onto one side of the bed, leaving a good amount of the bed left unused, and he climbed right on top of my bed. He is such a goof ball and talked conversationally to me even though I acted still asleep. When I couldn't act asleep any longer, I made it clear I wasn't happy, naturally, because I wear my emotions on my sleeve (it sucks!). He could tell something was wrong, and asked me about what was up. I fought his kindness because I didn't want to be vulnerable and throw my problems on him, especially during Christmas. He persisted, and I finally gave in and told him exactly what was up, and why I was upset. I ended up having a really deep and emotional conversation with my dad, all while staying curled up in my sleeping position. It lasted a good 20 minutes, and after we were done, he made me breakfast. What a guy.

That was quite a story, but what I mean from it all is that it was something that presented me in a time that I wasn't expecting, in a context that I didn't expect, from something that presented itself as something less than significant, and to be honest, initially annoying. First glance, it was just any other moment. But what it turned out to do was push my day towards a better direction. It didn't fix everything, and I wasn't completely resolved on what as bugging me, but that was the turning point. From that point on, things were starting to change for the better, and I cannot help but thank my father for this little, probably meaningless act that he did. The little things people do are a big deal, and it all goes both ways. The little things I do, I may not realize, probably have an impact on others do, so I try to always do what I might otherwise take for granted.

This doesn't just apply to my situation this morning though. I reflected though on situations and people I met, that at first glance or first meeting, I think nothing more of than a kind person. But its this person I am thinking of, that has made a huge impact on my life. I meet this person, and for all I know, I assume this person and I may never speak again. We do, and each time, I assume this person becomes just an acquaintance. And yet, this person becomes a bigger influence on my life, an important person to me. Call it fate, call it what you will, but I cannot help but think that this person was put into my life for a reason, and though I can say this, I still don't know the reason yet.

It amazes me, the complexity of it, but I really believe in God's masterplan. I meet this person, and don't think twice about it, and they slowly make me realize their importance and significance to me. Its the same with moment's like today. Little things like my father waking me up and talking to me in a time of need can really alter the happenings of an entire day. Our days are numbered, so to me that is a huge deal.

Just my New Year's Eve Eve thoughts. Merry Christmas to us all!

Fear

Today I was talking to a friend. I was telling him about situations in which I seem to either make stupid decisions, or I impede myself from making good decisions. Either way, either situation, I told him it is the fear I feel during the moment that causes me act this way. Looking back on moments like this, I realize how absurd or ridiculous the situation really is, but that is just it; I don't see this in the heat of the moment. In the heat of the moment, my fear or lack of confidence creeps in, and I allow it to take over. Where as I know I am strong and willed person, this feeling is strong within me and it really impairs me, making me feel weak in my actions.

As we talked, he mentioned that he knows how I feel. He said everyone has moments of seeming panic, in which they face things they wish they did not have to. He said in those moments, he personally tries to step out of himself, to notice the fear, and that by recognizing it, he feels greater than that fear, and able to overcome it. He said its tough, but for him it works.

This instantly made me think of Lost. Of course, Lost. He had never seen Lost, so I told him about this scene, in which the main character, Jack, tells of his interactions with fear. Jack is a spinal surgeon, and tells Kate, another passenger that landed on the island, about one of his first surgeries. Jack was very scared in the moment, and felt the pressure of this patient's life weigh him down. Just as the fear was rising in Jack, he said that he stopped, closed his eyes, and let the fear in, for only 5 seconds, and when he was done breathing and counting down, he would come back to reality, and do what he needed to do.

This scene from Lost, and my friends personal experiences with fear and confidence was exactly what I needed. Its amazing how scary a situation can be in the moment it hits you, but its important to remember that fear is going to happen. Its how I handle the situations that fear arises that is important. I can choose to wither in its midst, or I can choose to recognize it, and not allow it to take me over. It is all up to me. Allowing myself to "sit in my fear" or "let the fear in", metaphorically, will be hard, but with the right practice can benefit me in the long run.

St. Joseph, father of the Lord, be with me, give me the courage to face my fears, just as you did.

Moments

Where to begin...

Today I had lunch with the girl I am interested in. We had been talking about how we had some things we both wanted to talk about, and seeing as how we hadn't seen each other at all over break, we met up for some lunch. As usual we talked with ease. After a while, she reminded me that I had promised to go first, and seeing as how my memory is still working, I went first.

The first thing I talked about is something I have been meaning to discuss with her for a while. The topic is nothing new to this blog, as I frequently write about it on here. Every other blog seems to be alluding in some way to this topic, and to those who do not know what I am discussing, it is just a vague "struggle" that I keep writing about. This girl and I have grown close this year, and I was sick of leaving her in the dark about it. Having said that, I was very nervous about talking about it, to say the least. I can count on one hand the number of people (excluding family) that I have told about this. It wasn't that I don't trust her to not judge me or anything, but I naturally worry about how people react to me, in any situation. This thing, I was about to tell her, is such a big deal, something I am not proud of, and something that at its core, is uneasy to talk about.

Though nervous, I told her. I got it off my chest. And the whole time I told her she seemed very calm. She listened intently, hearing everything I had to say, and made me feel like she understood deep down how I felt. That is one thing I like about her. She put me at ease, and when I was finished rambling off what I had to tell her, I felt relieved.

The moments after, I thought of how she would respond, what would she say? She told me something that stuck with me beyond lunch, that I didn't quite expect. She basically told me that even though this problem was the world to me, that even though it was a huge mountain to climb, I am not alone. She told me that even though its hard, I have to remember that everyone is going through something. The past is hard and does not change by simply knowing others are struggling, too. However, the shared struggle should comfort me in that I am not alone in this world. There are others to reach out to, that may not have been there exactly, but understand how I feel.

I felt so glad to have finally told her something I had meaning to for a long time. I have never really felt tense around this person, because she is so natural and easy to talk to, but after telling her this I felt like a tension or barrier was broken. I guess that it felt so good because it was a barrier I had never even noticed or felt before? Either way, I felt instantly closer to this person. Sometimes when you open yourself up and allow your vulnerabilities to show to others, you really get a stronger connection with them through it.

Needless to say, things were going well and the conversation continued. Eventually, the other thing we came to talk about came up. This was a little more "beat-around-the-bush-y", if that makes sense. Both of us were sort of waiting on the other to start, and I felt like we both were thinking the same thing...

To premise this, I wrote a blog post the day before Christmas break titled "The Nerve pt. 2". It mentioned a certain girl I like, and I used no names, as usual. This girl, of course, happens to follow my blog and read it. As we discussed days later about meeting up, she mentioned about how I had to tell her about some things in my blog that she was curious about. My girl translator was working that day, and I accurately read into that as, "You can tell the details of this girl anytime you want."

Anyways, back to the conversation at lunch. It was obvious I was the one that needed to come clean about all this. I told her the person I was mentioning in the blog was in fact her. This was no surprise to her, but something she had to hear from me to be certain. She responded by saying she liked me around the same time I liked her earlier this semester, even though, due to confusion, she and everyone else assumed that my best friend and I (you know who you are!) were an item of sorts. Its interesting because the same night that she mentioned talking to someone about me and my best friend as a "thing", I was talking to my best friend about how much I liked, was interested, and wanted to have the courage to talk to more!

She also told me that because of instances of nerves and "freak outs" as we call them, she really doesn't know where she is at right now with it all. Whether its how she sees other relationships from other people, or whether its nerves about the uncertainty of the future, she just doesn't know where she is at right now. She apologized for coming off as wishy-washy (which I continued to deny immediately).

Now, in any other time, at any other age, in any other context, I would have been crushed. But going into lunch, I didn't really know what to expect. I thought she had no thoughts of me other than a nice person, a good friend, a good guy. But to hear interest from her like I have in her was good, it was reassuring. It kind of allowed me to know where I stand, where as I otherwise didn't. I still don't know exactly where we are, but that is okay.

After she mentioned the future, and freak outs about it that she (don't we all?) has, I told her basically that the future will take care of itself. Plans after college do not define us, and graduation is not a finish line or the end of time for our friendship. It is a itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny stepping stone on the pathway of life. I didn't tell her this, but wish I had, but the things I like about her, is not because of what could be. Its because she is a good friend and natural to be around in any given moment. I am exactly the kind of person to over think things, and to worry about what has happened or what is to come. But I noticed today that I am focused on the now, the present, when around this person, and that is all that matters. Right now, in the present, we are both very content with where we are at in friendship, and though I like her a lot right now, I am completely happy with letting things happen and seeing where life takes us. This is something that is completely new to me, because I have always been invested in where I am headed, but this person, I am enjoying the moments and not taking more steps than I need to be at any given time.

Oh, before I wrap this amazingly long, 45 minute blog post up, I do remember her saying something along the lines of "You puzzle me. I can't quite figure you out." I cannot help but laugh at this. Am I really that puzzling?

For My Friend

Just today, my friend told me was experiencing drama with his girlfriend. She wasn't as happy with her grades this semester, and seeing as how my friend started dating her this semester, she, being upset, thinks its because of my friends influence. My friend told me he was upset because he doesn't think he has that much influence on her academically, and he also feels like he has been doing a lot better in school this past year. He has always felt pressure, like she would get sick of dating someone "under her level".

Today, they talked on the phone, and he said he could tell things were bad. I talked to him after he got off the phone, and things were not well. He was really sad. He told me that he thinks she will probably dump him tonight. The tone of his voice was one that was abnormally shaken, and lacking in its normal confidence.

Luckily, I am spending the day with him. But I feel like I could be doing more to help him. I came up with ideas of things to do, places to go, but he said he just wants to chill and stay in. Today is his day, and naturally, I am going to do whatever he feels like. I just want to more, I desire to do anything I can for him.

I guess where I am going with this is that sometimes there is nothing I can do, nothing any of us can do. This is life and its in God's hands. What I can do though is be here for him, pray, and think of my friend. God has to take care of all the rest.

God,

As you know, there is strength in numbers. Equip me with the Holy Spirit, all your angels and saints, so that I may be suitable to comfort to my friend. May he know that he has worth, that he is better than the little problems he faces these days. May he take comfort in knowing that there is so much more life than fleeting happiness. There is joy, and joy, not happiness comes through you alone. May he realize this, and turn to you in this time of need.

Amen.

Hope

Hope is something I hold onto daily. Its my favorite virtue, and I think it always has been. The Holman Bible Dictionary says that hope is "the confidence that what God has done for us in the past guarantees our participation in what God will do in the future."This is so very true. I couldn't think of a better way to describe it.

I do all my best thinking in the car, and something I thought about in the 45 minute car ride home was hope. More specifically, things that give me hope. I thought of it because on my way into town this morning, I witnessed something that gave me hope, in things to come, in other people. A woman had pulled over on the side of the road, her car in smoke. She was probably 10 or so cars in front of me, and I didn't notice this until I saw something that made me believe in other people, in hope for us all. As the multitude of seemingly angry, rushed drivers on their way to work flew past her, a sedan pulled behind her. A man got out, and helped the woman out. He was in a suit, so my guess is he was on to work as well, and had "better" things to do. But he still stopped and I could tell he was offering any help he could. I continued on, but witnessing that act got me thinking of hope, today.

Specifically, I thought of what gives me hope. I knew that I would eventually blog about this, and I decided, since I am in a listing mood, I will list the things fresh in my mind that give me hope every day.

1. People offering random acts of kindness to other strangers, especially when they truly go out of their way to do so.

2. The never failing act of forgiveness.

3. Unconditional love of a parent, of a brother, a sister, a friend, no matter the situation.

4. The little conversations with a girl that I am interested in, that seem to make my day.

5. Seeing a loved one excel at something they truly love.

6. Witnessing relationships around me that are built upon what is important, instead of what is common in relationships these days.

7. Humility in the midst of arrogance.

8. People who have no reason to believe, who have overstretched every muscle of faith they have, and yet continue to have unflinching faith.

These are just a few things that give me hope every day. Hope for good things to come. Hope for a brighter tomorrow.

I end this with a quote about hope from one of my favorite movies, A Knight's Tale. It is simple, but its really beautiful in the context of the movie.

"Hope guides me, it is what gets me through the day and especially the night."

I pray that we all can let hope guide us through our days and nights.

Driving

Being home is tough.

The change in environments is making it easy for me to fall back to old habits, to regress from progress I feel I have made. I don't want to go back to how things used to be, but since I have been home (a whopping four days, so far), I feel a lot of the concerns I used to have and am constantly struggling with the things I have been struggling with the past couple of years.

Maybe its due to the free, idle time I have. I am not bombarded with miscellaneous school related tasks that I was mere days ago. If you ask anyone, I am one to have a hard time relaxing and really enjoying time off. I am the type to get antsy if I am not doing something productive. I am also not constantly around the friends I love so dearly, the ones that I am so used to walking 5 minutes to see. I am grateful for my family that I miss, don't get me wrong. But we are all doing our own thing, its the holidays you know, and its all a little hectic at my home.

Having said all this, I am left to resort to old struggles. I feel I am doing okay managing these struggles, but I am still confronted with them daily, and its nothing that I am overly happy about. These daily encounters, with enough excess, tend to pile up and over time can get me down. I gotta stay positive, because that's what I know how to do, but I get mixed results.

I was thinking in the car today, on the drive home from an errand, that maybe, I should be focusing on actively, and I mean actively times 100, reminding myself of a few things daily. While driving, I made this list, on the notepad of my mind:

1. Acknowledge what you value in others, in loved ones, in friends, in others. 

Think about it daily, focusing one person at a time.

When done, remind myself to hold myself to those values.

Just as I hold all my people, friends or strangers, to the same standard, 

so should I hold myself to that standard.

It is in this way that I value, love, and see myself the way my peers and my family do.

2. Remind myself that there is more inside of me than skin and bones.

Like a transformer, there is more to me than meets the eye.

Remind myself that though my physicality is what is seen,

there is a whole world of person and whole lot more to me, to Nikko, that lies beneath it all.

3. Remind myself to get out of myself daily. 

This one is tough for me. 

Being a naturally reflective person, I am constantly thinking 

and connected with my feelings.

But by "getting out of myself," and putting my energy towards

something else, or even better someone else,

that is energy better spent. 

It is a more rewarding way to spend my time, too.

 I think if I can really work hard to remind myself of these things daily, I can work to not let myself fall back to old habits, to old ways of thinking, especially habits and ways that I cannot afford to fall back to. Its really tough to do, but if it was easy it wouldn't be a struggle, and its all about the journey, not the destination.

Caspar David Friedrich

This is all I have been doing all day. Looking at these three fantastic paintings by Friedrich. They have so much to say.

When I Was A Youngster

Yet another song and musician that my brother Kyle has introduced me to. I absolutely love it. Great music, but the song itself has a resounding message I can relate to. The song is called "When I Was A Youngster" by Rizzle Kicks.

The song talks about being young and having big dreams, but growing up to have those dreams and ambitions dwindle, naturally. I don't always feel this way, but I am guilty of this feeling at times. I have told my closest friends before that I sometimes wish I could be a stay a husband. I sometimes want to make a career out of social justice and service. My dreams of being an athlete, a rock star, something big, have been dilute naturally as I have grown. I don't feel sad about it, because I think it is natural, but its just something to think about.

Granted, a lot of these feelings come out typically during the hardest stretch of the semester, and now the semester is over, I do not feel it, but it is all the same.

Oh by the way, I also love this song because Kyle says he could see me doing the dances that these guys do in the video. That made me happy. Me and my dance moves...

The Nerve pt. 2

I generally feel like a brave person. I am not scared by much, with the exception of spiders of any kind and the thought of being buried alive.

But with some things, very specifically, I feel like I could use some liquid courage. I feel like the cowardly lion. Specifically, I get nervous around the person I like. I sometimes wonder if anyone else gets this way around the special person in their life. The person they think of in the cracks of idle time throughout the day. The person I strive to be better for. I am not a bad person, but I constantly try and be the best I can be around this person, in hopes that she will notice. In hopes that I can as amazing a person as she is.

These nerves I feel around her, and giddyness I feel around her inhibits me in a way. I somehow hold myself back in this process, and I don't know why. Sometimes I have the urge to say some things are "go-for" little spontaneous things to reach out to her and show her how I feel. But my pre-conceived notions that I have in my mind hold me back. I so badly want to grab her hand, or say something sweeter than a friend would say, or just tell her how I feel. But I keep myself from these situations that I want to be in, from doing the things I want to do, from getting to closer to this person. Its almost like I see myself doing the things that a better, more courageous me, would do. Not a better me (I know I am okay), but you know what I mean.

I think about this and I wonder how I can think of this person so highly and think of them a lot and somehow not have the nerve to "go for" it sometimes. Maybe its best I don't at times, because maybe my inhibitions are right, but I cannot help but question sometimes. Its just my nature. I need to work on being spontaneous, and allowing things to happen. But more importantly, I think, that I need to believe in myself and believe that some other human can find me attractive and find me as interesting as I find them. I need to believe that another person can see the value and see the good things in me that I so often overlook in myself. That is what I need.

If I only had the nerve...

I'm Still Here

Before I start this blog post, I wanna start by saying that this blog is not just me rambling about my favorite Disney movies. I love Disney, and this post, as well as my last post references Disney movies. Pure coincidence.

Anyways, I was walking to my Statistics class today, and was listening to my iPod like I usually do. My playlist was on shuffle, and a song came up that I absolutely love. Its a Disney song, called "I'm Still Here" by John Rzeznik (of the Goo Goo Dolls). The song is from Treasure Planet, one of Disney's less popular movies of the past years, but still a great one, nonetheless. "I'm Still Here" has always been one of those sentimental songs that gets to me, from the first time I heard it in sixth or seventh grade. It was an angsty, yet uplifting song. If you know me well, you will know sentimental and uplifting are two of my calling cards.

My best ideas and realizations tend to happen as if certain moments in my life flash before me like a stack of photographs. All of these moments move quickly as they flash through my mind, but often times they culminate into this amazing, unifying thought. The best part of "I'm Still Here" is when the writer exclaims "I want a moment to be real, wanna touch things I don't feel." Its about this part of the song that I had this flash of emotions and my mind whirred with moments, that left me with unified feeling. I felt amazing in that moment, though I couldn't quite explain it yet. I felt the biggest need to blog, but sadly had class, and studying to do before I could.

The flash of photographs in my mind, triggered by this amazing song, gave me this feeling like I felt something real. I have had great times in my life, and met amazing people. I have been to multiple countries, and been apart of things bigger than myself. Yet somehow, this feeling was unlike any of those previously mentioned.

This past year has been a constant up-hill battle, filled with trials I though I would never have to face; the kind of trials that just a few years ago, I would laugh at, because it could never happen to me. But at the same time, this year has presented me with so many moments to be real. Its hard to explain, but as I was walking, I had images of things happening to me this past year, good and bad, and they all started to fit together like a puzzle. People I have known before this year, grown closer to, developed true relationships; Roommates, who know me better than anyone. People I have met, that I am still getting to know, that I look forward to bright futures with; That girl that I like, that I wish I did a better job of getting to know. People I don't know, that I will never know, but that still influenced me this past year, in some way, in some form. They are presenting me daily with moments to be real. I have never felt this real, this alive, like I have touched things I don't feel.

This feeling of real and genuine gives me hope for things to come. It gives me confidence moving forward with the people I know and love, and hope for more like them in the years to come. It gives the realization that I am still here after the trials I have faced, and it gives me faith that I will continue to get through whatever it is I am dealing with.  Like the Rzeznik sings, "I'm the one now, cause I'm still here." I'm still here.

 

Monkey's Uncle

As my week home for the Thanksgiving holidays comes to an end, I look back on things I have been thinking about this week. Like most people, I have been thinking of all the things I am thankful for, and thinking of what truly matters in life. But being me, and having my own thoughts, another seed has been planted; another thought has been going around my noggin.

As I mentioned before, in previous posts, I struggled a lot last year and into this year with something personal. Through the struggle, I slowly had changes come across me. Things I did not appreciate before, things I in fact disliked at times, were lost thanks to my struggle. It is only now that I seem to see things for how they were and and how they are now, and at first thought, I would give anything to have some of things in me that I feel I lost, back in me. At first thought, I resent all everything the struggle presented me, every challenge I faced, every dark place I had to go because of it. It was not a good place for me, the past year, and at first thought, I wish I never had to face any of it.

But, by the fact that I have these thoughts over the Thanksgiving holiday, I had second, and different approach to my struggle. Despite the resentment for the changes and places I have been to, despite my wish to give anything to change things, I know I could never change anything that happened. I was given the cards I was given, and I did the best I could do with it, and I am okay. Things are hard, but they are getting better and I am okay.

Maybe I am feeling this way because the day before I went home for break, a few friends of mine watched the Lion King with me. The Lion King is easily my favorite movie (as I mentioned to my friends multiple times, without fail) because of the deep philosophical messages that it preaches, among other things. In the Lion King, there is a resounding message (at least, resounding to me) from some of the characters about the past and how you let it affect your decisions in the present. Timon starts this message by saying "You gotta put your past behind you." What really hits the message home to me every time I watch the movie is Rafiki's conversation with Simba. Rafiki hits Simba with his stick, and tells him that the pain doesn't matter, because "it is in the past." When Simba says that it still hurts, Rafiki replies, "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it."

I am definitely learning from my past. I am learning not to blame myself for what happened, but to also forgive myself as well. I am learning to come to peace with it, and working to love myself no matter what. I am also learning the importance of allowing others into my life with this learning process. The learning I am doing can be hard, and sometimes as hard as the struggle itself. The people I care about are here for me, and are exactly what I need going forward. They are what I am thankful for this holiday season.

Shoes, part 2

I feel like I have more to say in continuation from my last post. Continuing on the idea of each of us, strangers to each other, coming from our own background, our own walk of life, there is something that I have been thinking about. While the idea that we are all different and unique and have our own story may seem very isolating and polarizing from each other, I feel it is the exact opposite.

My personal story involves me being raised a Catholic, my whole life. The word catholic itself means "universal", and this characteristic is something that frequently arises in Catholic discussions and is one of the most resounding characteristics of my faith. I think this trait holds true with what I was discussing earlier in the week. We may all be different, and we may have no earthly idea anything about people we pass daily. We may interact with these people, or these people may just pass us by. We all have busy lives, and there is a great number of people we pass daily that we do not even notice or take into account. But the fact of the matter is that what makes us different brings us together as a human race.

I may not have experienced exactly what the person that I pass on the street at 3:28pm on my way to Nutrition today, but what we do share is that we have struggled and we have laughed. We have hurt a friend before, and we have asked forgiveness. We have celebrated birthdays, and most likely have experienced the exhilaration of riding a bike for the first time. The point is, we have walked our own paths, and we are different in thousands of ways, but the similarities we share is what makes us all one family in the universe. I guarantee you, though we walk opposite ways on the sidewalk, and though we speak no words to each other, we both strive to live a good life, to know God or some sort of higher power, and we are both just trying to find our way in life.

Thinking about this gives me a greater empathy and understanding in other people. A friend of mine asked me this week, "Do you ever get angry at anyone, Nikko?" I stopped to think. I get frustrated at people and things that annoy me, but do I ever really, truly get angry at people. The answer is no. I cannot remember the last time I was honestly angry at someone. I attribute this to the fact that I have been actively trying to look at people in a newer light, or with a different lens, perhaps. The lens I use is one not of judgement or criticism, but of acceptance and empathy for my fellow man. Its not easy at first, but I find this way of looking at things to allow me to accept others, and I ultimately feel like I am a better person for it.

Shoes

I meant to blog about this the other day when this was more fresh in my mind, but sadly life got in the way. I am going to try and write this as well as possible and try to remember it correctly, so here it goes.

The other day, a friend and I were casually talking. He and I were discussing things that really "grinded our gears." I mentioned things like slow walkers, ridiculous habits of professors of mine, and the divide between the rich and poor in this world. We continued to talk, when he started telling me about this person that he really did not care for. He described the numerous reasons why that person annoyed him, including the general lack of kindness in this person. The picture he painted of this person was needless to say, awful.

The more he talked about this person, the more I started to feel his annoyance. But right when I started to share my friends feelings on this person I had never even met, I caught myself. What am I doing? How can I feel this way, think this way about someone I had never met? I am not a judgmental person at all, but when I had this sentiment, I pulled back. I suddenly had a new train of thought, one that sadly, led me away, far away from my conversation with my friend. He continued to talk, but I was in my own head, thinking...

Who is this person, really? Where have they been? My friend had a very clear and defined judgement and decision made on who this person was and exactly why that person was the way he saw them. But is that really true. I started to think of all the things that go into and define a person and who they really are. Using myself as an example, I know that even the closest of all my friends still don't know every little thing, about me. Sure, they know a lot, don't get me wrong, but there are so many things that define who I am.

So I put myself in that person's metaphorical shoes, if only for just a minute. Where have I (that person) been in life, what things have I (that person) seen, that I (that person) have only seen in my (their) own unique way. Where had I (that person) been in the past hour, the past day, the past week, the past year? What have I (that person) overcome, and what am I (that person) still struggling with right now.

This thought really struck a chord with me. I did not bring it up to my friend as he talked, because that would be rude, for one, and because it was a new thought to me that I had not grasped completely. But for the rest of the day, well beyond that casual, 5-minute conversation with my buddy, this thought consumed my thoughts, if not sat at the back of my mind.

Life will present us with all kinds of people that we will naturally make decisions on. Its how we work. But we can never truly know what they are dealing with and what they have dealt with. So, regardless of how they present themselves to us, we must remember that we are all unique and all from different backgrounds. I think its best to be empathetic in our judgements, taking this into account, when we do make judgements on people. We all have our own shoes, equally worn and tired, dirty from walking our own individual paths.

Red Herring

Tonight I went to a speaker series held at the University Center. The speaker was for extra credit in my nutrition class, and I knew it would be more beneficial for me to go then to not go. The speaker was very vague, speaking almost 75-25 percent in metaphor to normal, conversational talk. She was a little hard to follow at times, but I feel like I got a lot of her talk in retrospect.

She started off with some metaphor that confused most, about a husband and wife's rules about checking a jar. I know right? Anyways, she started after that with something I actually appreciated. She started talking about the kind of people she counsels. She mentioned that the people she counsels are typically what she calls "thin-skinned." She described these people as very detail-oriented, big picture focused, and most importantly, extremely sensitive and emotionally connected people. Her description of these people struck a chord with me. It reminded me of me. I related completely with the traits she mentioned, and so my interest was instantly sparked.

She said a lot of the problems they deal with stem from their natural, personalities interacting with a world that is not adjusted to their nature, to a society that is predominantly thick skinned. This interaction, she said, causes the sensitive, thin-skinned people to feel rejection, to feel disapproval. They feel negative energies from others who do not know how to interact with them and often times question what is wrong with theses interactions, what are the causes. The speaker said that naturally, the emotional thin-skins blame themselves first, and fall into the mindset of "it must be something wrong me." She added that though this type of personality is often times given negative connotations, it could not be farther from the truth. As she said "the world would be a better place if the world had more people like this."

I instantly went from thinking this lady was a kook, to thinking, "Has this lady been following me around my whole life?" Walking back from the speaker, I couldn't help but think differently about myself. Previously, I had always hated and back lashed against my natural personality. I knew that was me, but I hated that I had these frequent negative interactions with thick-skinned people. And like she said, I always blamed myself. I was always the weird one, the one that should change.

But this lady presented me with a newer way to see it. I am different, we all are. I offer so much as a person, that for me to change would be tragic to my character, to who I am. God made me how I am for a reason, and just because the things I can offer this world are different and harder to find or see is not a bad thing. I have so much to bring to this world, and I just have to come to terms with who I am. I am thin-skinned, and that can be hard to deal with, but it allows to me be a better friend to the people I love. And, to be honest, that is the most important thing to me right now.

I am going to work on looking for what I bring to the table, and maybe try and find something each day that I, as a unique individual, bring to my relationships. I think I will notice things I never did before, and ultimately find greater value in myself.

Adieu

This blog post is probably the most unintuitive I will ever write, and seemingly the most random as well. However, its really important to me. My brother introduced me to this song a few months back, and I probably listen to it at least 3 or 4 times a week now. It is from this very vague British Band, Enter Shikari, called "Adieu." The song is slow, and starts of sad. The lyrics are kind of melancholy as well, but the song is so unique in that it has two clear parts too it. The song, as I said, starts slow and melancholy, but by the end it speeds up a bit, and is so very uplifting.

Besides the music, there is a line at the end of the song that really gets to the core of me. Home could be anywhere, when I am holding you. This is so resounding, is it not? The context of the song is of a significant other that the writer loves, but it works on so many levels. Every time I listen to it, I think of someone important to me. Someone that makes me feel at home in this world, no matter where I am. It works for anyone I am close to. Roommates, friends, brothers, parents. Friends close to me, friends far away. Friends in the next room, 8 floors above; friends I haven't heard from in a few years. It also gives me hope that one day I will have that person, that special person that is special to me and I am special to her.

This blog isn't really going anywhere with my words, but I think you should all give it a listen, and try and put yourself in the mindset I am in when I listen to it. I think you will find it as beautiful as I do.

Strong as a Lion.

I am writing this during my Nutrition discussion, for a number of reasons. Mostly because when I have something on my mind and want to write it down, it usually cannot wait. Secondly, I abhor this class. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that this class irks me to the core.

Among the many things that is on my mind is something I have been noticing over the past couple weeks. These past few weeks has been marked by new-found relationships with people that I am meeting and getting to know better, as well as rekindling relationships with older friends of mine. I attribute a great deal of this to the Awakening retreat that I mentioned in my "Alive Again" post, because it introduced me to these new friends that I have made and inspired to me to reconnect to the older friendships.

Simply the schedule of the retreat requires us to be around each other at all times, and that mindset is holding true beyond the retreat. I for one, have spent more time in 1528 than I have my own apartment (besides sleeping, of course) the past two weeks. The time spent with my friends up there or with them across campus has brought new people in my life, and I am finding that these people I meet are exactly the people I want to be around right now. I get so much energy out of people, and these people are no exception to the rule.

Having said this, I noticed something interesting about myself with the interactions I have had with these people. I am starting to feel naturally drawn to some people, where as I normally would just have a happy-go-lucky feeling with a large group. One or two of these people I find that I am wanting to know more and more about, to have tons of small conversations with, to share some of myself with, as I am starting to do more in my life (read "Alive Again'!)

Where as this is a natural feeling, I cannot help but feel the effects of my low self-esteem and confidence when I get these feelings. I let myself get worried about judgements on me as a person. What will this person think if I do pursue a great friendship with them? Am I awkward for trying to incorporate myself into their life? Am I welcome to this person like they are to me? These feelings come from my natural fear of rejection, and I wish I did not have to deal with this. I hate knowing people that I want to know better and be closer to and even open myself up, but being my own biggest hurdle. I hate feeling like a small bit of ice that I could break with a fork seems like a polar ice cap that takes a heavy ax to make a dent in.

I am working on this, of course, but it is easier said that done. It takes little steps to overcome fears of judgements. I am optimistic that things will change, because things are changing for the better. Maybe I am just a little impatient right now, with all these positive changes in my life. I am going to pray to God for patience, courage, and strength in this.

God, allow me to be as strong as a lion.

Alive Again

I spent this past weekend at Awakening, a Catholic retreat for college-aged students looking to revitalize their faith. I had been once already as a retreater, and this time around I was asked to be staffer for the retreat. I expected so much going into this retreat the first time, because I had heard so much from older friends who had already experienced it. This time last year, I felt I had gotten a lot out of it, and I had. I came out of the weekend with a sense of focus, I felt on my faith. I became more interested again in God, and my relationship in him. I felt excited to have a relationship with him, and I sought out ways to extend this relationship. I started going to daily mass, reconciliation, and the Wednesday night Catholic student get-togethers. I thought I had reached the penultimate level of faith life and that I was doing everything I could. I would continue to feel this way for what turned out to be a year, and did not realize differently until this weekend.

The past year, I thought I had as much as I could have from my faith and relationship with God. I spent this time struggling with something very specific, however, and thought that my level of happiness with my situation would never improve. I grew to be happy, as much as I could, with where I was at. "At least I have my faith, my God," I would say. I continued to struggle with myself and continued to praise God for the gifts he had given me, despite my suffering. Eventually, I realized I needed to help myself, to get through this time of struggle. I began working on it, and after a while I saw some progress. I attributed a lot of my improvements to the grace of God, and his everlasting love on me. My struggle was a working progress, with ups and downs, but I always in thanksgiving of the Lord for anything I could get. Recently, my improvements have been very hard to come by and very tough. I started questioning if things would ever be consistent, if things would ever be better longer than just a week at a time. I continued to trust God, nonetheless.

This mindset continued until I realized something, this very past weekend. Going into the Awakening retreat this time around was quite different than my original retreat. The week going into the retreat was a blur, and I don't think I even prepared myself mentally for the retreat or had any clue how much I would get out of it until the very first night. The sensation hit me instantaneously that night, like a freight train rolling. The weekend was excellent, so much so I cannot even go too far into the details or specifics. Suffice it to say, what I got out of the weekend was something that I did not even realize was missing from my life over the past year. This missing piece, like the one puzzle piece you could just not locate, would turn out to be the piece to piece everything else together.

This piece is something I heard about last time, at my original retreat. Awakening emphasizes the importance of community, among other things. I heard the importance of this the first time. I took it with me out of the retreat, and I thought I was getting a lot out of community. I realize now, after all this time, that I had community. I was apart of the Catholic parish. I came to Wednesday nights and Sunday masses. I had friends (in fact, my best and most of my friends) in the Catholic Student Association. But what was missing? What was that missing piece? I wasn't participating enough. I wasn't contributing like I should have been. I realize I did the bare minimum, and no more.

Even more importantly, I wasn't allowing others into my life. Father Charlie, the Paulist priest at my parish, gave a homily at the closing mass of the retreat. He mentioned something along the lines of allowing oneself to be vulnerable. That is when this all hit me. I wasn't allowing others to see the true me, and therefore they weren't getting the best Nikko out of me and I wasn't getting the best experience I could either. I trusted few and did not allow myself to open myself to others. How can I get much out of anything in life if I do not give of myself fully to it?

This weekend was different, though. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and I feel like for once, in what feels like a lifetime (but is really just this past year or so), I know what it takes to get the most out of my faith, the most out of my relationships, the most out of my life. This is not to say that things have taken a complete 180 degrees turn. Things are still hard. Every day, I face challenges with my struggles. Daily, I face things that seemingly pick at my old wounds, and it is not fun. But I feel like I now have the foundation to deal with these problems and struggles. I am really relieved by this. I am taking a renewed, others-focused look on life, because I realize that investing in others is what gives me the most joy in life.

That's all I got for now.
 
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. Romans 8: 28-29

Decisions, decisions...

Haven't written in a while. But that doesn;t mean things have been boring. Something has been on my mind lately and I just need to write it out.

I have been feeling the stresses and pressures of my upcoming major coursework next year. As junior year draws closer, the certainty of my future does too. I am a nursing major, and have wanted to be a nurse for a while now. Since junior year in high school, taking an Anatomy and Physiology class that would spark my interest in health fields, I have been working really hard towards becoming a nurse. I have worked my butt off so far in college, delving mostly into sciences that, I do not necessarily enjoy day to day, but that I appreciate and that I have an aptitude for, apparently.

But recently, I have noticed that my interests have changed a lot since starting this journey towards my job and career. I have picked up blogging, and writing outside of the school-setting. Blogging and writing is something I enjoy, a true pleasure-based form of thinking for me. Not only my blogging, but other peoples blogging in fields like health, fitness, sports, and food/culture bring great excitement and joy to me.

Additionally, I have realized how much sports truly bring out an energy from me unlike anything else. I obviously am not athletic or able to play sports like many people aspire to, but I get great pleasure from all things sports. This love of sports has come across over the past two years with an interest in the world of sports communications. I listen to ESPN Radio as much as I can, absorbing things that people like Doug Gottlieb, Scott Van Pelt, and Colin Cowherd discuss. I love the whole business of sports, love the drama it brings across, and love how much analysis we can make on it. Every one has opinions, and discussing it with people as well as listening to people discuss it is really intriguing to me.

Nursing is something still interests me too, but I cannot help but question now. The pros of nursing is that it allows me to help people, in a very concrete way. The profession seems to be a good mixture of scientific and personal aspects that I can match well with. Nursing has great job security, seeing as we always seem to have a need for nurses in today's world. The money is pretty darn good, too. Nursing would allow me to pursue interests such as missionary work, which is important to me. However, what scares me about nursing is the risk I take with people's lives. I mean, lab work is all well and good with cadavers, but its real people I am working with here, real people's lives! Besides that, there isn't much that sets me off from nursing as a career.

With writing, I could something like journalism, of some sorts. I could really see myself working for some talk radio station, or working some newspaper as well. I know so little about this though, compared to nursing, which is essentially wired in my brain by now. What I do know, however, is that the job security of journalism sucks compared to nursing, especially in this economy. Any job I find is going to pay significantly less, also. That is, if I find a job. With the lack of jobs, whose to say I am not going to go after a job with thousands of people more qualified than me chasing after it as well. Additionally, I feel like I lack critical skills required for any non-healthcare business setting. I am taking a class now to work on that, but I still do not feel confident in that. I am not the natural go-getter, people person, that every employer today craves. On the bright side, with journalism, I could do missionary work and help people. Until this world is a utopia, there will always be people not spoken for in far off lands. There will always be words that others are to scared to say, and that is what excites me. I know I can find those words, and bring them to the surface.

So having said all this, I feel nervous at what feels like a critical point in my life. I feel like I would be, could be happy with the nursing career I am currently pursuing. But what if? What if this is my last chance to chase a dream? To chase a dream to be a sports broadcaster, to be a journalist speaking for others who cannot, to write something I can be proud of daily, that matters?

Nursing is the kind of degree here at university that is so competitive to gain entry into that it would be a close to impossible task to re-enter, were I to realize that nursing was in fact the right way to go for me. This is the source of all my stress, this is what I am forced to push to the back of my head, until Sunday nights when I decide to blog about. Decision, decisions...

One of Those Talks (St. Joseph)

We all have one of those talks every now and then, with a special friend. One of those talks you really need, where time escapes you and you get lost in each others' words.

My friend was having a bad Monday, and I had been struggling with a few things of mine, and we both agreed a good talk was much needed.

We talked and talked about anything and everything that concerned or overjoyed us, from big plans upcoming retreats to little roommate issues. One thing that came up in the discussion was something I am having to face, something in I am having to deal with, that is causing me fear and feelings of trepidation and timidity. She is one of the few people I trust enough to confide in her my feelings of fear with this struggle, and she gave me the best advice.

She told me to pray to St. Joseph. St. Joseph, the earthly father of our lord, Jesus Christ. The man who goes unappreciated but who faced fear unlike any man. He was given the task of, as she reminded me, of raising the divine son of God into a good, humanly man. Not only that, but he, overnight had to come to terms with this, come to terms with the virgin nature of his birth, and come to terms with the seriousness of threats towards this baby and his mother's life. This man conquered his fear and was unshaken by it. He rode with his fear, and did what he needed.

As she told me all this, I listened intently. As I listened, I fiddled with my hemp rosary bracelet that another friend, currently away on missionary work in Honduras had made me. I glanced down at it as I did so, and noticed the rosary's medallion had a saint on it. To my surprise, the saint that I had never noticed, or I guess you could say never appreciated before, was St. Joseph. St. Joseph, Pray for us, the medallion read. I almost screamed when I saw it!

I instantly knew this was serendipity. This talk between my good friend and I was meant to be and was important and something I needed, and I am sure she did too. Every now and then God shows you things you would not otherwise see. He works through people, whether it was my friend talking to me, showing me her great Mary-like love, and reminding me of one of the strongest saints, one I could learn from. Or whether God acted through my friend in Honduras, who somehow knew (I just know she knew!) that I would need the guidance of St. Joseph soon. I cherish this night and this talk and see its importance in my life.

Despite the thunder and the lighting, God clears the clouds.

Love

Lately, I have been a little unhappy with my certain love life (or lack there of). The girl I am interested in doesn't know, and I wouldn't know how to say it even if I tried. She is amazing, and such a great person, and would not want to risk anything anyways.

But having said all this, it is not my purpose of writing. My purpose is that a dear friend of mine, is experiencing the opposite love life of mine, and I am so happy for him. He and his interest are not official, but being one of the few people that know about them and seeing their interactions just makes me really really happy for them. Every little time I hear of their hangouts or see them talking online I get all warm inside. They are so happy together and it makes me either forget about my problems or feel confident that their is hope for me.

This is easily one of my simpler blogs, but it just hit me today. I am a sappy romantic, and I love seeing my friend so energetic towards this girl he likes. May they have a good time together and enjoy themselves. I love you buddy!

9/11/11

In reflecting on the 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks on 9/11, I could not get my mind off of a thought.

The influx of status updates and tweets that are patriotic and pro-USA were not at all surprising. "God Bless America" seemed to be the most popular of the ones I have seen.

Instead of feeling patriotic, and warmed inside like I usually do when seeing an American flag or reading about great American historical events, these statuses and sayings did nothing but provoke another idea from within me.

This day is a pivotal day in our American history. It is unlike any thing we have ever experienced. Even Pearl Harbor, a similar attack on American soil is different in that we were already fighting a war in Europe at the time. The attacks on 9/11 caused so much confusion as to what was happening, why it was happening, who was attacking us, and even how?

Innocent people were killed by the hands of militant extremists from another land, people who disagree with us and our way of life. Even more people risked their lives to save the lives on the fringe, of the lives of those still holding on for dear life. The FDNY worked diligently through the wreckage, looking for any and every survivor possible. 9/11 was a day of infamy without a doubt.

Today, it is a day of patriotism, to remember the lives lost in the attacks and in the decade of war that would follow. It is also a day of celebration of the American way, the diligence to overcome adversary and to come out of a catastrophe stronger than before.

Despite this, when I see all the "God Bless America" posts or sayings on our many social networking sites, something inside me corrects the statement. Instead of "God Bless America", shouldn't it be "God Bless Everyone"?

Is it not the polarizing mindset of extremism and to some extent, patriotism, the cause of these attacks in the first place? Couldn't a worldly, respect-for-your-fellow-man (or woman) mindset cure the world of violence and terror like this?

I do not mean to take anything away from those who lost a loved one in the attacks, but rather, I offer another way of thinking. As a society of people, the world should learn from these attacks. Polarizing mindsets and extremism in any fashion is destructive to a common goal for humanity.

Is a peaceful world not what we all want?

God Bless Everyone.

A Brother's Text

Sometimes in life the littlest things can bring us down. The things that you think no one else will understand really eat at you. Things that shouldn't matter, that don't matter nit pick at us. You sit there feeling sorry for yourself. You wish things were different, in any way.

But then, a light pops up on your nightstand. Your phone. What's this? Whose contacting me at 2:43 in the morning? A text from a brother you miss dearly. Your best friend in the world. The text, going well over the 140 character limit, hits the spot just right. The metaphorical freight train that was your negativity has suddenly hit its brakes. Your train's pistons start reversing their direction. Amazingly, the train is going backwards now. The conductor is confused, but what can he do? The metaphorical negative train is going in reverse. In the direction it was meant to travel, and the negativity is falling away like Forrest Gump's leg braces (okay, maybe one too many metaphors?).

Things start too look up, and you remember how things should be.

Sometimes in life, all you need is something to snap you back.

Sometimes in life, a brother's text is all you need.

Reflections on the Week

I really need to start practicing what I preach. That is what I can pull out of my reflection of this week.

It's Sunday morning, and as of late, Sundays end up being my weekly look back. I am usually awake before everyone else around me, and the quietness of the apartment gives me time to thinkable reflect about the past week.

This past week has been one of the tougher one's for me. I have always been somewhat hard on myself, and this week could prove it. Thursday night started it. I let myself listen to negative thoughts directed toward myself, an that negative energy grew. Friday was a little better, because the extra long Labor Day weekend showed promise. Saturday started off fine enough, but negative thoughts crept back in I let I get the best of me. Though I would rather not mention what these negatives are, it will suffice to say that looking back on them proves how stupid and unimportant they are. How could I have let them eat at me like that, and ruin some perfectly good evenings for me?

That is a hypothetical question, of course, but one that my Sunday morning reflection gave me an answer to. I am a) too rough on myself, and b) I hold myself to such ridiculously high standards.

It is amazing how much I care for people who are important to me. This is not me doting on myself, but stating the true. When you are my friend and I trust you, I put 110% into our friendship. I am loyal, genuine, empathetic, completely invested in our friendship. I would be there for you if you called, and nothing could change that. I love all things good and bad about my friends because no one is perfect, and I love you for who you are!

But if, out of everything I just said, replaced "your friendship" for "myself", that would not hold true. I am an awful friend to myself. I beat myself up or stupid little things that no one else probably cares about or notices, and that mean nothing in the ultimate journey of life.

As for higher standards, it's simple. Some things friends of mine will do, I will see and smile or maybe laugh, even, and there is no judgement involved. I am not a judgmental person at all. But had it me doing the same thing, I would have a whole Sanhedrin of judges directed on myself. Why? Why do I do that? I know that I strive to be as healthy and responsible as possible, and sometimes lean for perfection in certain areas of life. But to this extent? Why?

I do not mean the for this entry to be sad and self-wallowing, because that is not my mindset at all while writing this. Rather, it's reflective in nature. I hope that by freewriting this, I can pull some answers and conclusions from these questions. Answers and conclusions that may take me some time to process. But I decided to post this because offers food reflection value for others out there.

Here is my reflection for you:
How many times have I ignored what God has given me?
How many times have I focused too inwardly?
How can I recognize God's gifts better and love myself better?
How can I use these gifts for the people around me?

God created us in his image, so why do we, why do I invest so much energy on the imperfections?

8-28-11

Something has been on my mind lately.Whether it is listening to friends talk about their "negative" characteristics, hearing someone complain about their lack of self worth, or maybe just knowing some of my own insecurities, I have noticed that people are generally not often self-loving.

How many times have you heard a person who is going through a hard time in their life, continue to mention every miniscule thing that is wrong with them? How many times yourself have you pinpointed characteristics about yourself, often times physical (but personality traits, too) to use as reasoning for why things are not going a certain way in your life? Too many times, it is "If only I was taller" or "If only I wasn't so awkward" or "If only I was more attractive."

I do not bring this up because I am annoyed with friends, strangers, or even myself for thinking this way. It is by no means an annoyance or inconvenience for me to hear this, and I do not see these people as complainers. I am very empathetic with them and how they are feeling. It breaks my heart to hear a friend tell me they wish they were any other way than they are now because so-and-so rejected them, or some inconsiderate stranger was rude. I bring this up because the mindset that we position ourselves into when things aren't how we wish is what is faulty. The complex of "blame-me first," and "it must be something that I am doing" is complete and utter garbage.

This isn't to say that nothing is wrong with each of us. We all have our own faults and none of us our perfect, far from it. But to put so much unnecessary pressure and blame on ourselves for things that are, often times, out of our control, is counterproductive. Life is too short for those meaningless worries.

I am a prime example of one that has wasted too much of my time trying to fit myself in box that doesn't fit. I have spent so much time focused on what society proclaims is proper and normal, on what was beautiful and attractive, on what was cool and expected.  I worked to be close to the expectations, and in the process found my true self, but I still felt pressure to go the extra distance. I worked myself to the bone, so much so that I lost a little bit of me, a little bit of Nikko, in the process. I snapped back in reaction to this, and have been working to re-find myself, to regain what I have lost. I am happy to say I am me, in a very comfortable form.

I did not mean to rant about myself, by any means, but just to provide an example of exactly what I mean. The chatter I hear from friends and strangers about how they could be different to fit better for another, or how "I'm not good enough" for someone or something just makes me want to scream out! I want to scream, not in anger, but in exclamation, "You ARE good enough, you ARE worthy, you ARE you, and do not change that!" Who is to say that whatever person or mindset that you don't fit for is the one that is wrong? When we make ourselves the bad-guys before anyone else, when "blame-me first", we cannot truly love ourselves. Loving ourselves is vitally important. We only have one body, one life, one personality, on you. Take what you have and run with it.

C.S. Lewis once said that "You don't have a soul, you are a soul. You have a body." This really applies here and really sticks with me. We are so much more than our bodies. We are so much more than our "big ears", or our "skinny arms", or our waistline. We are so much more than our insecurities, than our worries. We are so much more than our "if only's."

Have to Start Somewhere

I am starting this blog because I have never had one before. I had always been accustomed to writing anything I felt down in a notebook, but hey, it is 2011, is it not? Seems about time I get on the technology bandwagon. I am always doing something on my computer nowadays, whether it is work for school, social networking with friends, or just miscellaneous time killing on the internet (I try to limit to the latter as much as possible).

This blog is probably a good year over-due, seeing as I have had a lot on my mind and a lot happen in my life over the past year or so.  I think it is important for me in writing here to occasionally look back on past experiences that arise in my head, because how can I move on from experiences without taking what I can from them and make them positive, life lessons. Having said that, I am a forward thinker at this time in my life, and will try to focus this blog on the present as much as possible.

As to the audience of this blog, and who it is written for, it is first and foremost for me. It is for me to clear to my head, to unscramble thoughts. Great ideas and thoughts are priceless. What is the point in having one great thought if it can't be remembered for all jumbled thoughts your mind possesses? Besides do you ever get that feeling you have a great idea, but do to the aeons of other things going on in your life, you just cannot pinpoint it? Life is too short to let these gems go to waste from lack of a present mind, and I intend to change that in my life.

As far as an audience, I would love certain close friends to follow. I am writing this for myself, as I said, but friends and family that know and love me could definitely relate to somethings I have to say and would definitely understand where it is I am coming from.

I hope from this blog I bring some clarity in my life through a present mind, something I am really emphasizing in my day-to-day life lately. Being present allows us to truly experience life, and all of its moments good and bad, and I will touch on this more later. It is vitally important to me, and I hope this blog will allow me to be actively present.

I also hope this blog will allow me to stay connected and reflect on thoughts of my faith. My faith is vitally important, and getting my thoughts down about it will really help me take more from it and hopefully, create a richer faith experience.

I feel like I am rambling, as this was just supposed to be an introductory blog, but I guess there aren't really rules to this sort of thing!

Happy Saturday, all!