Connecticut

Just thought of all the parents of the Connecticut children who have presents under their trees and will never be opened. I just want to cry.

Fuck these gun laws. Fuck people who think their right to bear arms is more important than children’s right to feel safe walking in their fucking school. I just wanna throw up at the thought.

To think that we cannot progress from a law that was established in a very different time, under warring conditions, is absolutely ridiculous.

Change needs to happen. I can’t stand hearing about these mass killings, acts of terrorism, and shootings. It’s one thing when another group acts against our country. That’s out of our immediate control. It’s another thing when we attack one another, our neighbors.

This is not love, this is not respect for our fellow man. I can’t take it. Poor innocent children.

Thanksgiving

The thing that sucks about recovering from an eating disorder is how sensitive my stomach is too large amounts of food. I love Thanskgiving, and this year I was in NYC with my family at some makeshift meal with the rest of my brother's high school band. I feel like I had hardly nothing compared to what I normally do when Thanksgivings at home, and yet afterwards, I felt like I might have been sick. Of course I didn't, but it struck me as odd how sensitive my stomach is. I wish it wasn't! I enjoy Thanksgiving if not for the family then for the food, and my stomach doesn't always agree with me during "eating" holidays.

Anyways, I am thankful for a lot on Thanksgiving. I don't even need to list what I am thankful for. It goes unsaid. I love you all.

Without a Doubt

I'm going to fail Nursing 311. I will be here an extra year, and I pretty much can't do much about it here in NYC. Oh well

Love Like Rockets

Been thinking lately about how I am going to be more open to God's call of vocation for me. I have always considered it and not turned down the idea of the priesthood, but I am recently thinking that may be God is trying to tell me, "Nikko, always keep your options open."

I am currently failing at least one of my nursing classes, and I am facing the addition of another year of school. I have been put in stressful situations where I thought my nursing world would end. I have been to the hospital this year and feel like "How can I ever do anything else after trying this? This is what I want." But I am starting to think that this scare, though its not set in stone that I will fail, is God's way of telling me that as great as the plans we humans can come up with, there are no plans greater than the His.

On top of nursing school being a roller coaster and sparking these thoughts, I am starting to think I am made to be married to the church. This is not because I am frustrated with my interest in girls and attempts (or lack there of) at it, even though I am frustrated. It is simply because I feel like the best of me comes out not when I am trying to woo or impress or even talk to a girl I like. The best of me comes out when I am Peter. When I put my trust in God. When I kneel before him and disciple myself, dedicating my physical body and my spiritual soul to him and him alone. There is nothing like that kind of happiness and I feel like I am doing the best in life when doing work like that. Even if the next day, I bomb a Nursing 311 exam, and get the wag of the finger from professors or instructors, I know God cannot help but smile at me, and despite my distress about my grades, I rest at night knowing that I am his and he is mine.

This isn't to say that I don't hope and pray for him to deliver me that wonderful girl that transcends all others for me someday. The one that not only shares love of each other, but more importantly, shares my love of the Lord, the Son, the Holy Spirit. The woman understands my faith life on so many levels; one that I can trust, and one that makes me a holier man.

I pray that woman is out there for me, but I also at the same time pray that if the Lord does not have that in his plan for me, that he give me a sign soon, and guide me in the right direction. Make it easy for me Lord, I am only human. But by your grace alone, I am an instrument of your everlasting love, and I am somehow more than just human.

Thoughts

1. I am getting closer to new people. Yesterday I hung out with people I really had never hung out with before. I had a blast. I seriously love them, and would love to see them again.

2. Becoming more and more aware of God's plan for me right now. I have no clue big picture, but right now, he wants me to be a person that utilizes his good qualities, to be a loyal friend to everyone, because I find a lot of people could use consistency and loyalty tonight. That is me.

3. Going along with this, I realize that I have a gift for seeing the best in people. This thought came up when a friend of mine made a comment about how a joke about guy problems was "her life." And yet when she said that, all I could think of was, I don't like you, but I think you have SO MUCH to offer. your an awesome girl, and how could anyone not like you?

4. That thought leads to this which is, I sometimes wish I could show people better how much I care. I think about this a lot. So many people never hear it, or could use it, but I also feel like a lot of people don't necessarily take it seriously when people like me tell them how much they mean. They mean so much to me, and I wish just telling them could give it justice as to how much I care.

Rocket

I cannot live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me. I cannot walk alone in this world with out you, in some form by my side. Your spirit flows within me, above me, around me, in the people I see daily, the ones I love, and the people I am in strife with. Encapsulate me your love, Oh lord.

Here I am, Lord, Ayyyy Oh, here I am. I offer myself completely to you, I throw my arms up, I lay prostrate for you. Do with me what you will. Your will alone, not mine. I am coming to realize that no matter how badly I want certain things in my life, maybe you are calling for me, saying "I hear you son, but you are meant for greater things. This is your purpose now. Be the best friend you can be to the people surrounding you, spread my love."

For once, I am so in love with that idea and content, I cannot fight it.

The Adventure, what a song.

I close my eyes, listen to the words, the music, and all I can think of is Jesus, the Father, the Holy Spirit. They all, as one Body, lift me up into the heavens, space, I shoot like a rocket, beyond the speed of sound, like a vessel for their love, in a metaphorical way, and my body and soul cease to exist as barriers to each other, but I am one being, not physical, but not completely spirit either. I offer my love to him, like he has for me a million times over, and there is no sadness or despair left in the world. I am his vessel. He blesses me with giving me a role in his Masterplan. What more can I want?

Volla 6

Volla 6 taught me:

1. That I am called where ever I am that just because I am a human does not mean I am not important to God. I feel like I have been in the shoes of St. Peter, like I am called. New favorite saint.

2. How much I missed 3 specific friends of mine. I saw them at mass at Volla, and instantly felt a huge lump in my throat for them. I missed them greatly. I felt really guilty about letting those friendships get so distant for no reason. I am going to change that

3. I have a new found appreciation for 2 other friends that I never did before.

4. Despite the previous 2, there are really some people in my life that make me just not wanna talk ever. Every time I do, its always me being shut down by them. Its easier to just not my voice my opinion or much of anything around them because honestly, I don't feel like anything I say will really matter.

5. A friend at Volla 6 taught me of the positive side of my introversion. I utilized it I think. Makes me feel adequate and not afflicted with introversion.

First

I am going to prove that nice guys don't finish last, they win in the end.
I am going to prove it, starting with you. I just need to work up the courage to go and put myself out there with you.
I am ready, yet need that push out the door and it can come from only me.
But I am going to do it. I know it. I can't not do it.
Be ready.

Love Never Fails

I found out today that a friend of mine is dating someone that they really really like.
I know that is like the most fourth grade sentence you could hear from me, but I don't care. I am so happy for him. To hear him talk about it, it makes me so happy. He is so giddy and giggly (yes there is a difference), and all he wants to do is talk about it. And all I want to do is listen, because I love to hear him this happy.

He seems so comfortable talking about it and I love every thing this is bringing him.

I just want to give him a big hug and congratulate him, but hey we are men (low pitch voice).

Haha.

But seriously, its got me thinking about me.
I am currently interested in two people right now, and don't really see if either of them are going anywhere, but boy, I would be open to it, Lord. I will not second guess your will (intentionally, that is), but I can pray that maybe, just maybe, your will lines up with my desires. In an ideal world, you know?

It gives me energy to talk to both of them and get to know them a little better even if it turns out to be nothing. And it gives me great energy to listen to my friend tell me all about his new found love.

I believe in love.
Love never fails.

Therese

“Be not afraid to tell Jesus that you love Him; even though it be without feeling, this is the way to oblige Him to help you, and carry you like a little child too feeble to walk.”

—	St. Therese of Lisieux

It's Been A While

Since I felt this. Lots to think about.

Monk with No Name

I read this a few days ago and its been on my mind ever since then. Its a meditation I found while surfing the internet. The meditation is from a Catholic Monk with no name. Its message is incredibly strong.

"When love motivates us to reduce ourselves to nothing, we'll desire that God be all. God protects those who've made love their business, who've stopped worrying about themselves. They are amazingly unflappable and unassailable; after all, these unpretentious peacemakers live out the courage and strength of their love. If you haven't tried this yet, you should risk everything to learn how to love."

Love. Reducing ourselves to nothing. In what can I do that Lord. Make me your vessel; I can be an open door for your love. Just show me the way, for I am only a man. Lose myself in love. That is what I want.

Things I Think

Things I think today:

1. Being around a group who talks about when a lot of them turn 21, how they will go out and get drinks together, I can't help but wonder "Will anyone care when I turn 21? If I didn't mention my birthday, would anyone know?" It kind of makes me think of something I have always said: I think I will know I am in a great place when people (my friends) besides my mah, make me a cake on my birthday without me even mentioning or asking.

2. At the same time, its important to celebrate others, and I do love them all. I want them to be happy and would trade my happiness for them any day.

3. I am so anti polarizing people right now. Believe what you want, but dont force it on anyone. This world would be so much better off if people just let people alone.

Meditation

Found this online. I absolutely love this. I feel so at peace reading this. 

Stay in your body by refraining from leaving it. Desire and agitation lead you away. Settle and slow down. Your environment is agitating you—take it as a trial by fire.
Keep stillness and silence within you, even in the midst of what you may perceive as turmoil.
To you this town may seem like torture. To another person it may seem like heaven. The truth is in neither of those perspectives. You don’t need to transform your opinion about the town, you just need to let go of it.
You are here, in your body (or perhaps one could say the body is in You). Any departure from that is a kind of imagination. Here is Everywhere but not Everywhere is Here. When you are in silence there is nowhere to go where Being is not.
Daily meditation will help you to understand this through experience, and then remind you of it constantly. When you are not meditating, keep inwardly silent by remaining present as the uninvolved observer; silence is mindfulness.
And make peace with where you are, because there you are. Leave if you wish but do so from a place of acceptance.

Hope you enjoy.

Psychiatric

Psychiatric nursing. That's what I am thinking about doing. Helping people's mental health. That sounds grand. I am all about reminding people about their mental aspect of health. Have a slice of pizza... It's good for your psyche for your soul. I like the idea of it. I don't know we shall see.

I pray that God uses me as his guide to help my friends and the people I meet, to be just one person who makes a difference in their life. Go out of my way to show my affection and care. Because I really do care, and if everyone else is like me, they really really appreciate the little things like that. I will be there for them lord, and I will be an extension of your will.

That was random but how I'm feeling.

Plans

It has come to my attention that I am terrible about making plans. A friend let me know that. She didn't say it like that and its no big deal, I'm not really upset. Its just a bummer to realize I never make plans with certain friends. I hate that. I thought about it and I really don't know why, but I feel so unable to make plans. Like its something so easy to do but I cant do it. I feel like I am boring. I am scared of being rejected. I assume that if other people haven't sought me out, they don't really wanna hang, so I stick with my boy Greg and my good friend Rachel, both of whom I am attached at the hip with. So those are my top three reasons I never make plans but I really cant pinpoint why I don't. I don't know. It makes me sad talking about this because I feel terrible at being social and maintaining good friendships. I am going to try to be better though.

Change

No more complaining. I'm going to find satisfaction in the littlest things. "Have a better attitude." I will, I will. Positive thinking, any time I can muster it up. Smile and you just might trick yourself into meaning it. I am who I am and I am quiet and observatory, a good listener and empathetic. I'm not gonna be upset because I can't satisfy the cool friend characteristics of that life of the party friend. I am who I am and can't be anything else. So I will be quiet, and I will be the bestfriend do can ever be, and take satisfaction in doing good for the people I love. That's all.

Weekend Update

1. I checked my weight at home to see where I was at. I maintained! Haven't lost any weight. I havent gained any, but maintaining at 141, thats a good thing for me.

2. Talked to my bad about some things going on with me. He told me something I never knew. He told me that being a good friend and going under-appreciated by some (not all!) people runs in your genes. He told me what makes me a good person is that I would be a good person no matter what, whether it goes noticed or not.

3. He also said that with certain specific friends, I may be seen as loyal and a stable friend, and maybe thats why certain friends don't bother or don't seek me out or don't even try. I don't know how I feel about that. My most loyal and stable friends are the ones I cherish the most.

4. Still actively trying to suck it up and play my part, accept my role with my friends. Its hard but I am trying to accept it. My role: loyal, die-hard friend, that will do anything for any of my friends, who wants to hear what you have to say and feel how you feel too. I wanna be there for you, my friends. Just because I am not included or apart of "the cool group" doesn't mean I am doing anything wrong. My quality of friendship does not rely on my inclusion with things.

5. On top of being a good friend like I talk about before, I am trying to remind myself every morning "Act like Jesus would today..."

6. Bible verse of the week: “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”- Psalms 37:4

That's all. Happy Domingo all!

Things I Think

Things I think:

1. I'm not defined by:

• What people think about me. Whether your a friend or not, whether you think something positive or something negative about me, your opinion does not have any weight in the definition of Nikko Lane. This holds especially true for friends that really treat me like shit. I am officially in the world of none shits given about people's opinion.
• My thoughts. Thoughts are simply thoughts. They are not actions or words. Thoughts cannot necessarily be controlled, but you can channel them. There are a whole mess of disorders, including eating disorders that are fueled by negative thoughts. Those thoughts are not me, and when one can separate themselves, like I am, from them, you can distance yourself from some thoughts. Notice them for what they are, and move one without them on your back.
• What I eat. Simple. Food is as simple as this: "Man, I am tired and my stomach needs some fuel! I better eat... hmm that sounds good omnom." Food is not this: "Oh man I am hungry, but I can't be, I can't eat that or that or that, because its apparently bad for me. There is a lot of (fat, carbs, sugars, calories here)."

2. I'm defined by:

• My actions and words (or lack of words).
• My good-natured personality
• My selfless mindset
• My loyalty to my friends
• My faith

3. I think that maybe I should be satisfied with who I am. Maybe I am not the friend that every single one of my friends always want to be around, or be goody-goody friends with everyone. Maybe I'm not the person people call to make plans, or maybe I am not the person friend A has something to say to. Maybe I am the best friend I can be, and I am still not anyone's go to. Maybe I am just the good friend that is here to listen when you need me. Maybe I am quiet and slightly introverted, and maybe that isn't always praised in society, but maybe that's okay. Maybe I need to trust that I am valued and not hold myself to standards of how other people are treated. Maybe I broke a record on how many times I say maybe in this paragraph?

4. I think that pastelling is fun. I totally suck, but I don't really care. Its not about being good. I just want to pain things that I see when I shut my eyes. That's what I do.

5. I think of my future wife every day. Someday, maybe I will meet her, God will reveal her to my life. Or maybe there isn't one. I tend to think there is, but whether there is or not, maybe I am just supposed to be alone for now. I mean I am used to it, you know?

6. I think that I wanna do some research on Baha'i. That faith base sounds amazing and interesting. It intrigues me, and I want to always be learning.

All I've Ever Wanted

Seriously, I am studying right now, listening to spotify Lion King. The song "This Land" just came up. Its so fucking beautiful, it gives me chills, goosebumps, and even that lump in your throat when you love someone so much. Now, all I can think of is lying in bed, snuggling with the thought of my future soul mate, the one I haven't been blessed with yet, and watch that masterpiece of a movie. God, I am so sappy and sentimental, but you made me that way. Also, its raining, so that doesn't hurt the mood. Love it. I love you, wherever you are, whenever I meet you, I love you!

The Big Five

All my girl friends are discussing something in Bible study this week. The focus is on the five things that, if we die tomorrow, we would be ready to let go because we were satisfied in these big five things in our life. This is right up my alley, so I made my own Big Five. Here it goes: 

1.  I want to directly save a life. Not like do something that helped someone helped someone help someone help someone, but actually directly save a life. I am talking like hands deep in blood. Extra points to someone that is really important to me.

2. I want to feel the love I feel for God for another person, and receive it back. The kind of love that is like, I love you so much that I selflessly offer what I want to better that person, to make her happy. The kind of love that makes me a better man, and makes me want to be the best me.

3. I want to do some work for change for people with eating disorders. I would like to maybe give talks or something of advocacy. Too many people suffer from eating disorders, and not only is it life threatening, it threatens quality of life. This is too important to me not do something about.

4. I, want to make a big influence on all my friends lives. Not like, “Oh, he is such a good guy.” I mean the very specific, remember me influence on my friends.

5. I want to be a dad and teach my kids all the important things in life. Besides the obvious reasons of fatherly love for my kids, I want to spread my goodness to my kids, teach them what I have learned, and watch them start their own, good lives.

A Prayer

O Holy Spirit, beloved of my soul, I adore You. Enlighten me, guide me, strengthen me, console me. Tell me what I should do; give me Your orders. I promise to submit myself to all that You desire of me and to accept all that You permit to happen to me. Let me only know Your Will.
Amen.

Numbers

Going home this Friday all I can think of, besides my family, my puppies, my home, I think of checking my weight. For the first time I think I can remember, I want to go home, jump on the scale, and see the scale show I gained some weight, if not maintained it to say the least. I feel like I am eating more and eating more substantial foods. I feel less exhausted like last year, and I feel like I am in a good place. The number on the scale doesn't make or break how I am doing right now, but God, it would really be some objective proof of my recovery and improvement. I wanna see it. I am excited at the thought that I could. I pray that it does. Pray for me too!

9/15

Update on my life GO:

1. Nursing school is good. I am a little nervous after this past clinical. My friend got yelled at today and my instructor said he was not prepared. It made me nervous that I wasn't prepared either. I am starting to get scared the closer I get to going to clinicals and working with real patients. I so badly want to be a good provider of healthcare for these people. There is nothing I more than that. God, bless in my actions, and pave the way for me to care for others like I am meant to do.

2. I have the biggest urge right now to buy canvas and paint and start painting. I am obsessed with abstract expressionist art, among other art forms. I have been looking at Klimt, Matisse, de Koonig, and Hoffman a lot lately. I wanna try and paint. Express myself. I have never done it before, and am not very talented.  But who cares? I like the style and I wanna try. I am addicted to color, and I want to make some fine creation.

3. I want passion in my life. I want to love this girl and to be loved. I want the intimacy that I get from a meaningful relationship. But I fail at that, so I naturally feel inclined to let myself be used in a fling. I know I won't do that. But its still frustrating. Granted, I do feel like I have these four friends, one guy, and three girls, all special in their own way, that are my best friends. And maybe my best friends can be the love of my life. Maybe I can dedicate myself completely to them. I love being there for them. I picked one friend up from the football game today because she was dehydrated and blacking out and needed me to help her home. I was so happy she called me and more than happy to  come and get her. I love being there for her, and maybe thats what I am supposed to be. Best boyfriend or best bestfriend? Who knows?

4. I miss my dog. Kilo. God. I look at him every time I open the phone. I love that dog. I also miss my family and can't wait to see them next week.

I thought I had more to say, but I guess not. That's all folks. I'm doing well, hope you are too. God bless.

Matthew Six

^{Matthew 6: 25-34}


 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Do Whatchya Wanna Do

Something I realized.

In the past I was always worried about doing what I want to do and how people felt about it. I would go to things that I didn't feel like and end up wishing I hadn't.

This year, though, I am pretty damn happy. I am not doing that any more. I know now that I can go where I wanna go, say what I want to say, and do what I want to do. Thank you Grouplove ala "Chloe."

Now granted, some of these things I should go to. Like mass for instance. But I have a good relationship with God. So its not a problem of faith or anything, its other things.

Or hey, maybe I don't want to go to all the football games here at school. I love football, and love watching the games. But maybe I don't wanna spend 10 dollars on the ticket, and maybe they are a hassle sometimes? Can I help how I feel? No, I can't.

Whereas last year, I would have probably disregarded what I wanted to do for others, I am not so concerned. I am my own individual, and if people can't be okay with me for how I feel about something so trivial, its not worth it.

Just a thought!

Everything

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear."- Jack Canfield

Roles

One of my biggest beliefs is that friends, especially groups of friends, are a team. Like a family is a team, a group of friends is a team. Everybody has their specific role to play on the team. There is the life of the party, there is the comedian, etc etc. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have found or realized my role with my team of friends.

As frustrating as the single life is, it is the chicken (or is it the egg) to my role, being the egg. Being single may be a result of this, or it may be a cause, but my role right now with my friends is to be the absolute best friend I can be. To make myself available to my friends any time of the day or night. To listen with open ears and an open heart. I listen with out judgement, and offer an empathy and understanding that every single person needs. I may have a large numbers of friends that are girls, and I have no girl interest in my life right now. That is frustrating for me that I don't have any success with girls, but it also makes me feel really glad that I can be their for my friends, girls and guys alike.

This doesn't mean I have any plan of action with my frustrations in love, but until it fixes itself, I get to transmit all the love I have to give to my friends, who need me and my good qualities. That is what I can offer them, and I am in love with being the best friend I can be to them. Absolutely in love.

I Believe in Love

This week has brought a windstorm of change into my life.

First and foremost, nursing school. Unbelievable excitement, but I can hardly keep up with everything that is happening in just my 4 classes.

I have this feeling like I am going to have to push myself to the limit like never before to be a good nurse and get things done. They been emphasizing learning to be the best nurse you can be, not just pass and become a shitty one. I want to be best the nurse, and I think it will take a lot out of me, physically, mentally, in so many ways. I can already tell from my schedule, there will be 5 hour sleep nights. I will run on whatever energy I have, and I will make this work. I am not excited about the difficulty of this year, but maybe this is what I want? I have always wanted to God's work in some way, to the fullest of my potential, and if it takes me pushing and pushing this year just for that one patient, maybe thats worth it. Or maybe I am crazy, who knows?

Also, Spring Break. Costa Rica trip for the Nursing college..... but.... $3000 dollars. Damn. Have I not been talking about doing this FOREVER? I need that money bad, but I don't know how I will make it, especially in the negative financially, that I always feel I am.

Surprisingly, that is just about all I have to say about nursing. The other change this week is in love. My best friend and his girlfriend, also my friend broke up. They seem to be doing okay, and still care for each other, which is relieving. But boy, it came as a shock to me. It hit me all of a sudden, and brought fears and inhibitions of the relationship I so desire. What if that happened to me? Would I want to risk losing a friendship over a relationship? Am I plagued by my desire to be a good friend that I will never be able to break past that level of a relationship? These questions popped in my mind, consuming my thoughts.

But, on top of it all. I still believe in love. To me, love is the central force behind everything. Ask a physics professor and he will say gravity, a biology professor, oxygen, yadda yadda, but its love, I have no doubt. Love for a brother, a mother. Love for a girl you meet out of nowhere, or a boy who charms his way into heart. Love will not fail. Just because romantic love causes pain at times, doesn't mean it can't cause joy, emotion, passion. I desire that passion, but at the same time, I know love is not synonymous with relationships. Love for my friends drive me throughout my day. God, I love them, and they could never understand how I feel for them, how much I cherish a walk to Nursing class with them, or to see their happy asses living life crazy, drunken at some party. I love hearing about their days, the mishaps and the miracles, the things they learned each day, so on and so on. It brings me another kind of love and connection that I just love so much.

I may not act like it, but my friends mean so much to me, and if I had the voice to scream it, I would scream out everyday how much they change me, for the better.

Vessel

Oh man.

We are all given what we are given by the Lord Almighty. Most of us: two eyes, two arms, to legs, 10 fingers and 10 toes. The building parts of the vessel given to carry our soul by God, most commonly known as the body.  I have never been more thankful for this vessel.

Think about it....

My eyes... they help me see all of God's creations, all of his children. They provide me a way to see, read, and therefore understand. They allow me to witness the beauty of the world, art, nature, people. They own their own hue, unique to me (and maybe my Grandfather), and distinguish my creation by God from someone else's. Ocean blue, God knew I would be a beach rat....

My ears... hang close to my brain, allowing the words of God and his children to enter my consciousness quickly. God blessed me with two of these to listen. When properly done, listening leads to wisdom. With these ears, I can experience the pleasure of hearing a familiar voice of a friend, and even the beauty of music (oh how I love music).

My arms and hands... my arms, oh they are getting stronger with time. I was weak, but I chose to stop letting them go to waste. My hands, God gave me hands to feel, to comfort a loved one, to hug, shake hands, cover my eyes in a scary movie. My arms and hands allow me to do the work I feel called to do, to nurse others to better health. God's blessings of arms and legs allow me to type these words now, to lift myself out of bed to a new day, to throw my arms in the air in exultation of Him.

My legs and feet.... oh how they take me places. Without them, we would go nowhere. We would sit idly, and in no way is that the way God wants us to live and help others. My legs and feet are strong, they allow me to walk, run, dance, skip, jump, and most importantly, kneel before Him.

My stomach... one of the toughest to see the beauty of, it is such a blessing by God. Beyond the anatomical and digestive purposes, the stomach is the feel good center given to us by Him. He gave us stomachs to laugh, to sing deeply, to feel warm inside when we are feeling good. In babies, their stomach is their connection to their mothers. Big or small, round or flat, stomachs are beautiful, as is mine, and I am thankful by God.

God gave me my height, my weight, my shape, my skin tone, my eye color, hair color, limb structure, for a reason. For the first time in my life, I am one with my body, with my vessel, and am completely, 100% satisfied with it. I am who I am, and this body is what God gave me. What mortal gift in the flesh is better than our own personal container for our soul and our spirit, that allows us to experience life in its fullest? I, by no means, walk around in a cocky manner, but I do love the way I look now and see my body as more than just an appearance. Its not cocky, its confident. Its the confidence in the sense of if someone has something negative to say about it, I do not care, because nothing can change what I see, the good I see, given to me directly by my God.

Thank God for our bodies and our health and the opportunities we have that go along with them.

Sunshine

Have you ever wished you could be someone's guardian angel? I have. I realize lately that I am constantly thinking about my friends, how they are doing, praying their days are filled with the love of God, and praying for their well-being. I want to be there for them to make sure they know God's love as well as my love for them. They mean the world to me.

I am glad God made me into a human, but Lord, I would make a great guardian angel. I pray when I die, God willing some 60+ years from now, I will go to Heaven, and be a guardian angel to someone important to me.

I couldn't go to bed without writing this down, afraid I would forget what I had to say, and its not much, but I think its important. It makes me think of this great song by Matisyahu called "Sunshine." So pretty, and if you listen to it, you will understand how I cherish the people around me. Remember:

I care for you. I am thinking of you. I love you.

 

All In

Lots of improvements made this summer. I am an overwhelming sense of relief and accomplishment. I have gotten so much better. I feel so good right now. Better than I have in a while. I am doing a decent job being happy with how I am and I have a lot of confidence that I never knew before.

So what next? I am feeling a list tonight, that is how my thoughts are laid out.

1. I move back in barely over a week, and I could not be more excited.

2. I think back to the past two years, how I felt, and I don't want that. Last year was good, but the combination of my struggle and my lack of confidence has kept me hidden away from others. I have been isolated, and it is no one's fault but my own. I used to feel bad that people didn't seek me out, but I realized they don't because of how I present myself to them. I didn't make myself available, and my rigidness isolated me from the people I love. That is not gonna happen again. First, I have gotten my struggle under control (minus a few occasional negative thoughts). Second, I have started getting confident with who I am and how I appear. Those two feed each other, both in positive and negative ways, and I am feeling great about making myself available.

3. I do have fears about this year, but part of the progress I have made this summer is being able to recognize my fears as what they are, but also realize that I have the power to control my fate, my outcome, up to a certain point. I am not going to drown in my fear like I have before. Not now, no longer.  As I told a friend earlier this week, "This semester, I am game. This semester,  I'm all in."

4. Part of why I am so happy about getting better through all this is that I feel I can finally be the best me to help others. My friends, and family, and new people I encounter daily is what bring me the most joy in life, and I really want to be able to serve them in any way the Lord sees fit for me. I am not talking about nursing, but more a general day to day thing. I have always held this in, but my number one goal day to day, my motto is "Be the best friend I can be everyday." Sounds like Notre Dame, I know, but I seriously walk around thinking this. I strive to be the best friend I can as possible. I can't explain it, nor why I started following this motto a few years ago, but its important to me. Now that I am my full, strong self, I can truly be the best I can for others, every day!

5. I am interested in someone. We shall see how it goes! Cheers to it, and cheers to if it's not meant to be, I am open to whatever God's plan for me.

6. I start nursing school this year. Holy yes. You know that song that goes, "I've been waitttttin, for a girl like you..."? Some old 80's song. Well this is what plays in my head for this year. Minus the girl part, add the moment. I am so ready to learn what it takes to save lives.



That's all I wanted to say. I hope everyone's doing well. God Bless.

Eliot

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
- T.S. Eliot

Ever Present

I love being home, don't get me wrong, but I cannot wait to be back at school.
I miss being so close to the people I love. I cannot say enough how hard it is to live this far away. I feel like I live on another planet. I miss my friends so much.

But random acts of kindness from people make things better. When people go out of their way to show me they miss me and that they are thinking of me, just like I think of them, it means the world to me.

I so badly want to see certain people. I want to see my friends. There is only so much I can do when I live so far.

I have made a lot of progress this summer. I am so happy for that. I am confident about being able to reciprocate when I am back at school. I feel like I have spent the last two years being only a portion of the full me, and for my friends to love me after only that, there is no wonder how much I can offer them, and how much fun we can have with the full Nikko present. Ever present, ever present, ever present. That is the key.

I want to get closer to certain people as well. I feel like I can truly do that now that I have taken this summer "off" for me, to get better, and prepare myself for this year and beyond.

I pray that people not fear my challenge, for it is not me. I am Nikko. The challenge, we can call it Ed. Two separate people. My challenge is to be Nikko, because Nikko is who my friends and family love. Do not fear me, because I, Nikko, want to be apart of your lives! I love you all.

7/12 Thoughts

I had an interesting thought tonight.

Everything I have been through. Where I have been. From when I was a little fat kid, to a teenager, and up until now, I have had a hard time about not being anxious. I realized tonight, thinking about this, that a lot of my problems, my struggle, has stemmed from fear of the unknown, fear of what could happen to me. Fear gripped me, at the possibilities of the bad that could happen in return for my choices, for my actions. I have run from this fear for a while, avoiding decisions, avoiding times calling for my responsibility, action, and choice. I was caught up in doing things the right way, even if that meant avoiding the problem. It was really a crisis avoiding choice more so than a choice to do the right things. The fear just took the wheel.

But as I drove my dad home, who has a sprained knee, poor guy, I thought. And thought. And thought. It is what I do best. Its what I do a lot. I realized, for the first time in my life, I am able to find peace in not knowing the unknown. I find peace in seeing the future for what it is, the future. It was a liberating feeling, thinking about this.

The past is behind me, it is the past. It has made me who I am today, for better or worse. I cannot change anything about it. The future is the future. It lies ahead me, offering prosperous times and bad times, for sure. It offers me equal opportunities as it does tribulations, and I must accept that. The future cannot happen without the present. If I am not fully present in the present, I cannot hope for the future I want, or more importantly, the future God knows and has seen for me. The past and future, I can do nothing about. I can only choose to change my present. The past is what it is, and allows me to learn for the benefit of the choices I make now in the present. The future is out of my hands unless I am fully here, fully present for the time God gives me today.

When I wake in the morning, I look up at the old glow in the dark stars on my white wash ceiling, and I think differently than I used too. Some mornings, a few years ago, I would wake up groaning, wishing to live in my dreams. Not today. Today, and I say that as a general time period, not this twenty four hours, I woke up thinking, "God, thank you so much for allowing me another day to wake, to breath, to laugh, to love, to cry. Thank you so so much. There is no better gift. Amen." I am not going to live my life living in before or after. They are two of the great prepositions in the English language, but I refuse to live any other way than now.

Futures

I am going to have a big year this year.
I am going to start nursing.
The thing I have been waiting and working for so long is finally starting.
I am going to be diligent in my work, while enjoying myself!
I am going to slowly become a great nurse.
I am going to be the best nurse this world has ever seen.
I have no doubts in my mind.
Here's to the future, and to all I have to bring to it.

Step Back

Sometimes in life, its good to step back, and clarify yourself. To step back and remind yourself why your doing something. I have recently been presented with some feedback that has made want to do so.

First and foremost, as I believe I said when I started this blog, I am not writing to an audience. I am writing this blog for me. It is not "Dear Journal" or "Dear So-and-So Whats-her-name." It is just me writing for me. This slowly turned into me writing as almost therapy in my "struggle" and as an aid in my journey. I have never once meant for this to be an intellectual blog, nor did I ever plan on having any followers. Granted I do now, and this website is public so just about anyone could read it, I still do not approach any single blog post as directed towards anybody other than myself. So that has become my self-proclaimed inspiration for this blog.

As for recent posts, particularly, my "I May Not" blog, I take nothing back and I mean every word. Maybe I wasn't clear with my writing (hey, I am a nurse hopeful, not a writer), but I in no way intended on writing that blog particularly as a stand against society's construct on girls (or guys) to be thin. I was not commenting on the millions of magazines that objectify women, nor was I commenting on modeling magazines that tell people what normal and beautiful is. If you truly knew me, and where I have been, you would know that, along with the rest of these blog posts, it has been specifically about my own struggle. My own body-image issues. That post was about me becoming comfortable with myself. For as long as I can remember, a little less than my whole 20 year life, I have never had good self-confidence in my body and my image. That's what "I May Not" was about.

I had made sincere progress while in Florida with my struggle. Among these, I finally found a confidence in my own body and in my self, for the first time in my WHOLE life. Imagine how exciting that is for me. I was thrilled. I am still thrilled. Clearly some people did not understand my post, because they have not been in my shoes, and do not know me enough to know exactly what I am talking about. This blog is contextual to my life. It's like going to a 3-D movie without the 3-D glasses. Your probably not going to understand it very well.

I am amazed at people every day, and yesterday is no different. My spirit was really crushed yesterday at the feedback I got. But I refuse to let anything get to me simply because none of it is true. I cannot say anything about you because, unless I know you, I do not know where you have been, how hard or easy the places you have been has been, or why you are doing the things you do. I do not know what you think, and until I get to know someone, I will not know this context of you. Therefore I would never say anything to you like that.

This applies to me as well. Ask my best friend, she will tell you that I am in no way aa hypocrite and in no way do I objectify anyone, especially not women. To think that about me is incorrect. I say this, and what I am getting at, is that there are very few people in this world that I can say know me well enough to tell me such a thing and be correct about it. My parents, my brother, my sister, my best friend, and a few other friends, I would say, know me better than anyone on the planet, and know what I have been through, to know where I am coming from when I write in this blog.

I'd like to wrap this up by saying that I am not going to lose any of the confidence I gained this past week, because its too important to me, and I honestly do not value any body' opinion that treats me a certain way when they do not know me, nor have any interest in knowing me. I listened to their opinion and recognize it as one, but honestly, I know who I am. I am not that. I am not going to change who I am, or be who I am supposed to be either. The only expectations I am listening to any more are the expectations I hold for myself.

Like I said, this blog is first and foremost for me. But I know some people follow it, and for those few people that I have talked to about this blog before, I thank you again. You are all wonderful people that I feel cherished and blessed to know and call my friends and family.

Afirmacion

My daily affirmation. Yet its more than an affirmation. Its something I believe, something I have confidence in, for once. Here it goes:

I am beautiful the way I am. I am comfortable in my body. I am no longer going to walk around this world hiding. I am comfortable in my own skin and I am going to rock it. No matter how much I change, how old I get, I am going to rock it. I am beautiful the way I am.

Happy Fourth!

I May Not

Consider this my own personal Taken cell phone scene...

I may not be the best looking guy around. I may not have not chiseled abs or strong arms. I may not be the kind of guy people seek out. But what I am is beautiful. God made me Nikko Hulshof Lane, probably the only one on the planet, unique and in his image. I am beautiful for my qualities, my characteristics that cannot be seen with two eyes alone. I used to believe that because I wasn't considered specifically beautiful by society's standards, that I was the problem. But really, society is lazy. You could find my beauty, my unique personality, if you, society, didn't hold such a lazy standard for beauty. Go ahead, seek the beautiful people, the people are easily seen as beautiful. But I am a diamond in the rough, and you have to work to find me. For those people, my friends, family, who take the time to find it, they know me for who I am. Its not my fault if someone doesn't want to take the time to get to know me. Its out of my hands.

This is what I took from vacation in Florida. So many beautiful people around. I could have become jealous for their beauty, but I realized it helped me realize my own form of beauty. Vacation has helped me realize that I am who I am, and the best people in my life will accept me or have already accepted me for exactly how I am and nothing about my body changing will change that. They love me for my personality, not for my physique. The people who want to judge me on my physique are not worth my time or thoughts. I am what I am and I am not gonna let anything affect me anymore,and not let it affect some of my most primal and necessary needs.

So thank you, those of you who love me for me. Your the most important people in my life. I truly love you, and pray for your well-being, daily. Your love keeps me going!

Honestly

Sometimes I worry that I will not be included in things "with the boys" because I am not cool to my roommate. I have this bad feeling that next year I will be out of (as Robert de Niro says in Meet the Parents) the "Circle of Trust." Except its not about trust. Its that I feel like I probably don't come off as fun enough to him.

I just want to be included. To feel like I belong.

Renaissance

I was originally going to write some more about updates on my life, number by number, list form. And I will. But I noticed somewhat of a theme in the things I was thinking of bringing up. One word came to mind: renaissance.

The word renaissance is a French term, but it originated from the Italian word Renascimento, which means "to be reborn." Yes I did my homework for this blog. Anyways, just keep in mind the word renaissance when reading the first few of these.

1. Recently, I made some excellent improvements in my life. 10 in 4. 10 in 4. 10 in 4. That's a big deal for me. For the first time in all this I can easily say I have been working really, really hard at this, and I am finally seeing results. I know it seems silly, but as I was driving home today from an errand, I had this thought. For the first time in my life, I truly felt like I could do anything. Its the kind of thing you are told all your life, if not shoved down your throat as a kid. The cliche "You can do anything you set your heart to" comes to mind. But after accomplishing that feat, I feel a great confidence in many aspects of my life. I am nervous about nursing school, but I know I can do it. Its what I was meant to do. I still question why I don't have luck with the girl department, but I know things will work out for me someday, hopefully soon. Its definitely not a cocky feeling, but I feel less concerned, less self-conscious. Its almost like a Nike attitude with certain things. Instead of focusing on the things that could happen, I just think "do it, just do it," or more applicable "it'll happen, it'll happen."

2. Also, I have stopped lying to myself about something that I have for the past few years. I tried so hard to not feel a certain way about something, avoiding how I really felt. It was easier to avoid feeling that way, but now I have just come to terms with myself and how I feel about it. I may not do anything about that, but its good to be cool with me.

3. Different note! I am getting excited for vacation with my family! We are going to Fort Lauderdale on Sunday for a week at the beach. The beach is one of my favorite places to be. Plus, it will be really nice to be with my family. Any other week, we are all going our separate ways, work, girlfriends, travel, etc. But a week at the beach is perfect for us to stay together as a family.

4. This time a few years ago, LeBron James made his infamous "Decision" to play with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh to form a new "Big 3" or "Dream Team" in Miami. While I really do not like the way he went about doing that, and absolutely hate the Heat, I realized this week that I am glad he did what he did. Had he not made his "Decision," I would not have been a rejuvenated NBA fan like I am now. I have been glued to the television every other night for the past month, watching NBA playoffs. I am such a huge fan again, unlike I have ever been, even since I was the world's youngest sports nerd in my toddler years. So as much as I dislike the lack of class he displayed, I would like to thank LeBron James. Now lose tonight so Oklahoma City can make it an interesting series.

5. My brother has had on and off chest pains the past year or so, and they are starting to show up again. It's scary, because we are all worried its not heart problems. But I really think it is respiratory, instead of cardiovascular. I am no doctor, but chest pains when breathing in, no arm or jaw pain, and no irregular heartbeats, among other symptoms tells me its not cardiovascular. Who knows? What I do know, is that I really need help from anyone who is reading this. Pray. Please pray for him. He is the only little brother I have, and I am worried sick about him. I hope this is nothing, but it very well could be. Positive prayers, vibes, and thoughts... send them his way!

Dreams

For the first time in my life I feel like I know exactly what I want in my life. I have these dreams lately of my future self. Now, as in most my dreams, all the people's faces are blurry, yet I know subconsciously who that person is, who they represent. These dreams are like little tastes of my future, as I imagine it. They are really interesting and exciting. Sometimes so much so that its disappointing to wake up from.

I am not going to get into nitty gritty details of the dreams because I have had quite a few, but in these dreams I see myself working in the hospital setting. Where as I normally am scared of the future of my nursing career, these dreams show me that I am a good nurse, very competent and confident.

My dreams also show me buying my own dog, something I have always wanted to do. Some kind of terrier, its not really clear, but its a terrier, I am sure of it.

In another dream I am in my own house, cooking with a woman that I assume is my future wife. I don't know her name because in my dream the name isn't important. Though I cannot see her face, I know she is beautiful. I imagine she would represent everything I would want in a wife. I imagine she is one with with her faith, and our relationship is faith-centered.

I know dreams are only dreams, subconscious visions we have while we sleep, but I cannot let go of these. I cannot dismiss them as something so simple, something explainable by psychology or science alike. No, I believe these dreams are God's way of telling me that I do have a future, I do have something to look forward to, I have a life ahead, where I can do good work for others while garnishing great relationships with people I love. And all of this through him. I am sure some neuroscientist would examine my brain waves and tell me these dreams are some sort of neurochemical reaction while I am sleeping, but I cannot settle for that answer. It is God, and God alone.

Litany Against Fear

Best quote I have heard in a while. I will keep this close to my heart.

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing… Only I will remain.”

    -Frank Hebert’s Litany Against Fear

News & Thoughts

1. I found out today that my family is going to vacation to the Grand Canyon. At first I was like "Really?", but now I am excited to go. I haven't gone on a real outdoors trip in a long time, and I have never been out southwest besides California. It will be nice to connect with nature and get away from civilization.

2. I start my online Microbiology class in a week or so. I am not excited at all. I like not having a plan or anything on my agenda during the summer. Now I have to learn about something I am not in the least bit interested in, and its my last class before Nursing. So over school, to be honest. But what else would I do? Lord knows how its gonna be when I actually have a job and live in the real world.

3. I ordered my first pair of Chacos today. Judge me all you want. I feel like I will either love them or hate them. They are definitely odd sandals.

4. Being home makes me realize or remember how much I love dogs. I love being home with my dogs Kilo and Dmitry. Two of the best Yorkies ever. I have already decided one of my first purchases I will make as a postgrad (besides the basics of living) is a dog. I am looking at different breeds and trying to be acquainted with multiple breeds. I like Yorkies of course, but I also like Boston Terriers, French bulldogs, Shiba Inus, and Shepperkes. I am sure that means nothing to you, but Google them! You won't be disappointed!

5. I am still trying to do everything I have to do to get better this summer and improve, but things are uncomfortable so often. I hate it. This is tough, and I really think no one understands it. I am still gonna keep pushing to improve, but I can't act like I am enjoying this either. It kinda sucks.

6. I am in such a weird place right now. I don't even know how to describe it! Its not necessarily bad, I just feel that if I had to describe my life in one word right now I probably couldn't.

7. I am usually heartset on doing missionary work abroad with my nursing skills I will gain from college. But lately, I just feel so unsure about it. I feel like if its God's will for me to go, I would need to go. But I can't discern whether that's what he wants of me. Who knows, may be I meant to help a community here in America, anywhere from my home Nashville, to some place like Boston, or small town in the middle of nowhere Montana? I don't know. I want to help abroad, but its a HUGE decision, and something I cannot just do on a whim. I will ponder this more over the next couple of years. I do want to help the best I can no matter what, no matter where I am, that is for sure.

8. I finished a book quicker than I ever had this week. It wasn't a small book either. It is called "Music for Torching" by A.M. Homes. Long story short, it tells the story of a married couple who does not get a long at all, and end up burning their house down. They frame it as an accident later when they realize how crazy they were, and their lives unfold in a terrible way in the midst of the friends they live with in their neighborhood. The story itself is terrible, leaving you feeling awful in a way, for their marriage, for the disintegration of their family, like their house early in the book. But it was so well written, so vivid in its descriptions and connection to characters, that I really couldn't get enough. Its amazing how a great writer can make a terrible story irresistible to me. The book left me with these thoughts: I am so much better than Paul and Elaine. I will find the person for me and I would never let things get bad with that person, ever. I would know if I love them and I wouldn't let anything change that. Positive out of a negative, yep.

Staring Out My Window

For the first time this summer, I was awake for the start of a storm. It was great. I am always captivated by those perfect summer storms. The summer heat is there so it is not unpleasant, and the dampness of the rain against the foliage creates this smell unlike any other. When it began, I watched the rain fall, soundtracked by the thunder in the background. It was beautiful. As I looked out my window, I got caught up, lost in my thoughts. My thoughts wandered from the scene outside, the street, other houses, to where I am at as a person. I started to think, more specifically about how I am trying to learn to love myself.

With enough time, I can come across some great realizations. I realized that for so long, I sought love from my friends, peers, girls. I spent a lot of time as a kid rejected for various reasons (including being different, being overweight). When I finally found myself in a comfortable point with friends and I was old enough to start dating, I wanted to feel accepted, to feel loved. My biggest fear, besides dying or spiders, has always been rejection, and when rejection presented itself, I assumed it was all because I did something wrong, or something was naturally wrong with me. Like if a person I wanted to be friends with disliked me, it must be because of a personality trait of mine. The same with girls I was interested in. If they didn't share the interest, it must have been me. This complex made it hard for me to love myself, and made me equate my own self love based on others' judgments. How messed up is that?

I had always feared that some future girl I liked wouldn't love me unless I was a certain way, even if that way of living was detrimental to myself. This made me really hard on myself, making myself my own biggest critic, and my self-love declined further. I made so many stupid decisions and acted so stupidly because of this. Most of my troubles right now are directly stemming from this way of thinking. But this way of thinking was missing a bit of logic: do I really desire someone that doesn't love me for me? Besides, close family and friends love me for me, regardless of my appearance. So why can't I? So in all reality, the issues is not with how others view me, but how I view myself, and also how much value I put on what others see me as. When I realized all this (especially the "do I really want someone who doesn't love me for me" part), I couldn't help but think "DUH. What was I thinking?" I shouldn't worry about my appearance just to please others, and I really should value myself and hold myself to the standards I hold others: for their personality, for who they are as a unique individual, and the intangible things I love about them. That's how they value me, and that's how I should value myself. I will eventually find a girl that likes me for me, and she will like me for the things I bring to her as a person, as opposed to superficial reasons. I hope she comes soon, but who knows. Life is long. I may know her, I may not. Life is all about not knowing, and trusting.

It is at this that I snapped back to reality (ope there goes gravity... haha sorry). I was looking out the window still, checked my phone, and it was 15 minutes since I last checked. The rain had stopped, but the thunder persisted. I love summer storms.

Quote For A Friend

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”- Helen Keller

Summer Playlist

So I have a lot of time on my hands this summer, and I really enjoy it. So I figured I would make a playlist of the Summer of '12. Hope you all enjoy, I encourage anyone reading to take a listen.
Here we go

1. Rizzlekicks- "Down with the Trumpets"
This song is fantastic. Its got Latin vibes, which reminds me of the hot summer nights, when you wish you could find a way to get cooler, beating the heat. I love these guys, they rap so fresh.

2. Third Eye Blind- "Semi-Charmed Kinda Life"
Do not even act like you don't know and love this song. This song brings me back to summers of my early youth. Oh the 90's, you never cease to amaze me. This isn't the only 90's song on this playlist, but its probably the one I remember listening to most.

3. Grouplove- "Naked Kids"
 Don't let the title scare you off, it has nothing to do with young children (lol awkward). This is one of my favorite songs from one of my recent favorite bands. I listen to this song and listen to the lyrics, and I imagine doing these things with my group of friends. The feeling I get is that of my skin with used sunscreen on it, in wet swimtrunks, a damp tank top, sunglasses on, at the beach with a drink, with my favorite people in the world. That eternal feeling you get with good friends is what I feel.

4. Biggie Smalls- "Mo Money Mo Problems"
Besides the catchy chorus in the background, this is a summer song for Biggie's pure rap talent. Enough said. Enjoy.

5. Noah and the Whale- "Five Years Time"
This song has one of my single favorite instrumental parts of any song, and that's the ukulele playing in the background the whole time. But the lyrics are catchy and sweet and that's why I love this song. It makes me think of laying in a grassy field looking at the summer sky, so blue!

The more I make of this playlist, the more I think I will add to it, maybe in 5 song parts. But for now, this is excellent. Love it!

Trump Card

I thought I was improving and doing better, but when I met up with my professional earlier this week, I had regressed slightly. I was so sad and disappointed to see myself take steps in the opposite direction, though I did not do it intentionally. It sucks. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, the hardest time of my life by far. It is amazing because this all started to keep myself from a place I thought was the worst of the worst feelings in the world. Now look where I am at!

I have been working so hard and trying to improve that when I see myself move backwards, it hurts. It hurts me, it hurts my family, it hurts loved ones. It affects many people, whether they know it or not. But it does affect me the hardest. It really scares me.

So I have been thinking and decided I am going to make a change. The environment I have been in this semester that has been so hard is one that I have some time off from. I am so scared of how this is going to affect me and my remaining years at school, but I am going to focus my concerns elsewhere. I have roughly three months to get myself in good shape, to prepare myself for the future, and make significant steps forward. It should be easier considering the circumstances, but the fear is still there. Whats different this time around is that I am doing everything I can to face the fears head on.

My biggest fear, one that I don't want to mention on this blog, but I am more than willing to talk about if asked, has been holding me back from doing this originally. But these recent steps backward have scared me enough to change, almost surpressing my fears. The fear of not changing, of not being able to do things like nursing school, going and helping the third world like I want to, and to who knows, maybe be a good husband someday (I can dream, shut up!), is currently trumping my "biggest fear." I figure, if my biggest fear does happen in any situation, than I have done the best I can do.

I have been to hell and back multiple times, and I am just beyond caring right now. This sounds dangerous and negative, but its really not, at least I don't think so. I see it more as St. Joseph's patronage hanging around my shoulders, relaxing me, giving me peace of mind to do what must be done, for me.

Madness

 I wasted so much time last year, caught up in my own world of problems. I isolated myself thanks to my problems, and I missed out on a lot of opportunities that year. I was so disappointed in retrospect that I promised I would not let the same thing happen this year.

Now that this year is over, I am looking back on it, and I feel the same disappointment in myself. I isolated myself again this year, partly because I was busy, getting caught up in my studies. Part of it was that I was lonely, more than I have ever felt, this year. And yet a final part of it is directly related to my issues, my struggle. I don't know what led to the other, but all of these perfectly set me up for the times I isolated myself, unintenionally (I swear), and was distant from some of the people that matter most.

Because I was lonely, it was significantly easier for me to go off some place and get hours of work done for my studies. Or is it that because I was doing so much work, I was lonely? I don't know, and I never will. It is probably a little bit of both. But what I do know, is that a lot of it was due to complicated things that I have trouble explaining. I guess what I am trying to say is that my fears with my struggle, fears of scaring others off, fears of regressing back to old habits, fears of having to face things I really do not want to face, made it really easy, almost setting the stage, for this loneliness-busy construct I have been under this year. I know this is some deep shit, and most people my age would just say chill out, enjoy yourself. But I am just speaking my mind, looking back on the semester.

I hate knowing that the last two weeks of the semester, while some of my closest friends where "playing," something I love to do with them, I was off either studying, or relaxing with my roommates. Those friends where spending good quality time with each other, and not only that but they were saying goodbyes to some of the seniors who were graduating, some of my role models for the past two years. Yet I was nowhere to be found, and though no one particularly told me, I am sure they would have rather enjoyed my presence than not.

So all I can think to ask myself in this situation is "What am I doing?" Why must my struggle make it so hard for me to connect with the people I love. It traps me in fear and of regression, fear of not being able to do what I need to be doing, but most of all fear of making others uncomfortable and making myself uncomfortable in the process. I don't blame myself, because the person that makes me do these things, the reason I am not around or distant at times IS NOT ME. That's why it hurts when I hear my friends sound their regret about me going home immediately when I am done with exams, as opposed to staying and "playing." Or when I tell them I can't go to something, I need to study or have something to do. It is not me. It kills me though, because though it is not Nikko upsetting them or letting them down, it is Nikko who has to hear the disappointment in their voice, see the regret in their faces. I hate that.

I don't know who said it, but someone once said "The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result." I feel like though I did improve this year with putting myself out there and being sociable, I still made the same mistakes, and hoped to make improvements. I gotta be better about this. I gotta be a better friend, not just for me, but for the people I love. I hate that. I hate hate hate it. I am better than this. This is not me.

The Hand I've Been Dealt

I never know how to start these things. I usually just go right into what I have to say. Here it goes.

I think I have a realized a true crux of some of my issues right now.
I was thinking about everything last week, maybe the week before, and came to a great realization, that I just now decided to write about.

My feelings of loneliness the past couple months have been related to not feeling a similar amount of love from my external. When I am home, I am surrounded by my family, and we are very close. We are all equally invested in each other and each others' interests. We are four individuals, but we are really one body, one unit. I am constantly showered with love (not in a bad way), and never have to look hard for assurance from my family.

When I am here, at school, I have a great set of friends. They mean the world to me. But we are all more of our own individuals (sometimes, too much so, like me for instance). We all love each other and all care about each other deeply. But we are individuals nonetheless, and I don't feel the same type of love.

I went home a lot this semester, looking for a weekend to get away, back to my family, for that exact reason. They offered me a weekend get away to a place I knew I would feel the love and connection that only my family can bring. But what I realized a few weeks ago is that its not the issue of external love that is the issue.

I was feeling so down about lack of external love, but I was focused on the wrong kind of love. I was receiving enough love, clearly, but the external love I was getting was plenty. My friends are the best and the world, and it wasn't them. It was me. I was searching for external love to fill a huge hole I had within me, where internal love would normally be. I was so down about not getting enough external love, that I did not realize I had enough, and that I was overcompensating for the lack of internal love I offer myself on a day to day basis. I struggle so much with self love and seeing my own self worth, that I was asking way too much from my external sources of love, my friends and family, to fix problems that were within me.

Furthermore, I was extending this err to associating external love to mean external, one-on-one relationship love. I always seem to do this, looking back on it. I again, overcompensate for a feeling I don't have by going big, going all or nothing. By seeking a relationship, I was seeking security and a constant source of love for me and a constant place I could focus my intense amount of love on. But that is not what a relationship is about. A relationship is something that just happens, involving an individual you can't really live normally without loving in that special way. I am clearly not feeling that way for anyone, so I digress back to the root of the problem: my own self-love.

I always say I am going to work on that, and I will. But I cannot sit here, and act like its going to be a quick fix. It is something so hard for me, yet so trivial for others. But to get it to the second-nature, its going to take a lot of work. I hate that I have such trouble with this, but these are the cards I have been dealt, and I am going to see how I can wrestle out a win with this hand I have been dealt.

Letter to a Friend

Do you know how much you matter to me?
Do you know how much I care for you?
I think of all the things we have seen together, all the conversations we have had.
The arguments we have had, and the jokes we have shared.
It are these times, good and bad I think to when I think of you.
I see you, and I think of these times. They flash very quickly before my eyes when you enter the room.
I think to them, I see you, and I just want to hold you, embrace you, show you the love I have for you, my friend.
Your such a vital aspect of my life, in so many different ways.
I pray we never grow apart, and that I am never overbearing to you in any way.
May we have years together, I pray. I hope we grow old being as good of friends as we are now. I can't imagine anything different!

I love you so much.

Nikko

Chowder

Last week I decided to go home this weekend. I really needed to move stuff from my apartment back home. I almost didn't though. I almost stayed in town, but I am glad I didn't.
This weekend at home, was just me and my dad. My brother and mom were out of town. So it was a nice time to get to spend with just him.
The reason I am so glad I came home this weekend is not because it was particularly eventful or exciting. I am glad because of a thought I had on the way home. The thought I had was that many people whose fathers pass away often feel regretful for not saying something to their father, or not having more meaningful experiences with them. This was exactly the kind of weekend that I would wish to have later in life, when I can longer have a weekend alone with my dad.
My dad is a great man, Chowder, as I often call him. I look up to him a lot, and I am thankful daily that he is there for me. I miss him a lot, but I know he is closer than it feels.
I know he is always with me.

What A Guy

I just checked the mail.
I check the mail daily, and don't really expect anything, other than my roommate's daily paper, or my weekly Sports Illustrated. But today I got a letter addressed to me in a plain white envelope! I had no clue who it was from but I assumed it was from home, it looked like my mom's handwriting.
What I assumed was some information about summer school registration, ended up being something significantly better.
It was a letter from my best friend in the world, my younger brother, Kyle.
I instantly lit up with excitement.
He had just been at his school's junior retreat and was asked to write to someone who has either "helped you get through something hard or is going through something hard right now." He said I fit both descriptions, and instantly came to mind. What a guy.
The letter was a simple page long, but it was one of those letters you know you will keep forever.
Kyle and I used to write letters frequently last year, but it stopped this year because we both got busier and I also had no stamps.
But to get this letter and to hear the things he had to say to me really got me emotional. Like I am not emotional enough as it is.
If there was ever anyone to doubt we were truly related, I would show them his writing and tell them that writing must run in our veins, just like the genes that gave us our father's "Lane teeth" or our mother's compassion for others.
I love that little guy like no other, and I really miss him.
He has no clue how much this little thing helped me.
What a guy.

Whirlwind

The past couple weeks have been a whirlwind. I mean that in the sense of like its crazy looking back on it now. Even reading some of my posts from that time period, to thinking about some things that happened in those weeks, I can't believe I let things get so negative. I am naturally a positive thinker, and I normally try and see the bright side of things. But these past few weeks have been weird to say the least.

I blame myself. I was feeling really lonely again, and was aching for some closeness to the people I loved, and didn't feel it. But it was me, me alone that was keeping me from doing this. They were never "not there." They were, and always are, there. I just let myself get into this state that I can't even describe, where I turned my back from them. Though all this was unintentional, it happened, and I feel like I haven't been doing my part when it comes to getting the best out of relationships.

Friendships are not battery sources that you sap the life out of. They are two-way, giving relationships between two people who care about each other a lot. One cannot take away anything from a friendship unless they give themselves, and give themselves fully, to there respective friends. I haven't been doing this.

What I thought was loneliness, was really just me allowing myself to be isolated from the people that I really want to see the most. Do not ask me why I do this or let this happened. I do not know, I can't explain it. All I know is that I want it to stop. I am ready to be a better friend. I am always, always, thinking of my friends, but I could be better about being around and really showing them I care. Making an effort. These people are the most important people in my life, and I am happiest when I am around them. End of story, book closed, on the shelf, next story, please.

That's all I can think to say.
I am not writing this to say that I have all of a sudden changed, because I haven't, but I really am going to work on this. Its important to me. Its at the top of my mind right now, and I won't let this go that easily.

Happy Friday, everyone!

Just A Wish

If I had one wish, I would wish for self-esteem. I would wish for a positive body image. I would wish for self-love, something I possess so little of. I wish I could be easier on myself. I wish I wasn't just another one of projects that I am trying to perfect.

I so badly want to love myself like others do. Not only that, but I wish I had an easier time believing the positives about myself.

I wish.

I'm Still Here pt. 2

This is a kind of continuation of a post from last year, that I titled "I'm Still Here". I was listening to this song on the drive back from home to college today.

I had a new-found perspective on this song that I had never realized before. Originally, I was more relating to the lyrics directly, feeling like I am not seen and I am not important to many, but that I have a lot of promise and am always still here.

But the drive home made me realize that I also see it in relation to my so-called "struggle." Except this time, I want to describe my "struggle" not as a struggle, but as something different. It is something that takes over me, makes me something I am not, someone who I am not. My thoughts and logic change when this takes over, and in retrospect, I can clearly delineate between my true, "Nikko thoughts" and my these "Struggle thoughts." This is all well and good, but in the heat of the moment, the thoughts blend, and I become one with this other personality. This is where my struggle comes from. It makes things so hard for me. I sometimes feel like I am smothered by the struggle thoughts, silenced by them, hiding the true me, and it makes me unhappy. It is harder and harder to shout out when these thoughts suffocate me. It makes me feel like I am becoming these thoughts.

But as I listened to this song, my new perspective was that I am not my thoughts. As the song suggests, I want a moment to be real, I'm still here. As loud as my struggle thoughts are, I, Nikko am still here. I can do this, as impossible as it seems. I will eventually get over this. It is so unbelievably hard.  But in the heart of the Easter season, we are all welcome to new beginnings, just like Jesus was. All thanks to our Lord, I can start anew. Sooner rather than later, if it is your will, God.

Looking Ahead

I hate writing posts like this, because it is so unfulfilling for readers.
But I really need to write soon. I have a lot on my mind, about a few things among others. I just need some time to really think about what I want to say.
Lot on the mind, almost too much, not sure what I think.
Decompress is what I need to do. Good thing I have an Easter break to do so.
I have a feeling I will have many posts one after another, coming fairly soon.
More to come later!

Spirit and Body

What an amazing quote I read today for a class. Proof of the truly amazing religious experiences I want to encounter in my life, from others' perspectives. I am not Hindu, but it still is applicable to just about any believer of God or a higher power.

"Here, I stand, and if I shut my eyes and try and conceive my existence, “I,” “I,” I,” what is the idea before me? The idea of a body. Am I, then, nothing but a combination of matter and material substances? No, I am a spirit, living in a body. I am not the body. The body will die, but I will not die. Here am I in this body, and when it will fail, still I will go on living."

- Swami Vivekananda 

This helps me through a lot right now. Helps me to remember the importance of my soul and spirit and things that cannot be seen or touched, as opposed to my body, my image and things that are not nearly as important. What a nice, Sunday meditation for us all. I hope we all are able to find love for ourselves outside of our worldly bodies today.


With love,

Nikko

I Wish

That I didn't have to walk around with extra baggage, every single day.
I wish that I could live normally, like everyone else. I wish I did not have to think about this the way I do.
I know for certain that others do not even think twice about this, and if they do, they don't let it affect them for more than a moment.
I wish I was free, free from the guilt I feel daily, multiple times a day. The littlest things strike this feeling in me. Feelings of regret come up in me that in others would never. Why must I go through this, why must I be tied down.
I imagine a day in which I never think of this the same way anymore. The day that I can think straight, and be normal, and it is so unimaginable. It's like a heaven on earth for me. I used to live this way, before this all started, before my struggles, but now I can't even remember how it is to live like that. I so greatly want to go back to that, to live like my friends and family do, and feel good about it and myself.
Instead, I feel stuck in this way of living, and even worse, it doesn't really make me feel better about myself.
Its like this endless cycle that I cannot break free from. My self-esteem and lack of self-love causes me to see my self in a negative way, and that in turn causes me to feed this way of thinking, which ultimately works against me in that I feel worse and worse about my image, and my self-love takes a dip because of this.
I wish I didn't have to go through this.
But I am, and right now, all I can do is sit in it. Sit in it, and be patient. Patience and prayer. And hope. Hope is what I am living for.